Sue me, sue me, what can you do me? (Ann Heisenfeldt / Associated Press)
Sue me, sue me, what can you do me? (Ann Heisenfeldt / Associated Press)

When I first heard that Speaker Boehner was trying to force an unwanted suit on President Obama, I must confess I felt a certain sympathy for President Obama. Once a co-worker attempted to force some unwanted dresses on me, and let me tell you, it was tense around the office for a while after I realized that I either had to pay her for them or admit that I did not want them. They hung in my cubicle for weeks, looming ominously, like the dresses of Damocles.

But then someone explained it to me. And it seems about right! It is a wonder, in fact, that we haven’t sued him before.

Now, some other people — specifically, the president’s press secretary, Josh Earnest, are complaining about this suit, calling it “a taxpayer-funded lawsuit against the president of the United States for doing his job,” and “the kind of step that most Americans wouldn’t support.”

There, I think, he is wrong. We’d support it.

If there is one thing that I, as an American, feel certain of, it is that you can make good money by suing people. Especially when those people are just doing their jobs. We just need to play our cards right. Maybe we’ll actually get some remuneration out of this whole arrangement, which we can pool and put into our collapsing roads and bridges. Frivolous lawsuits and apple pie! That’s what this country was built on.

And we have our complaints! “Where,” Speaker Boehner asks, “are the jobs?” Well, where are they? Simple: The president is hiding them.

It is well known that once you are elected president, they lead you to a big room just inside the Oval Office where there is a big lever labeled “JOBS.” All you have to do is press this lever, and it will produce all the jobs you could ever want. And some you don’t want, like the job of the guy who has to alter the numbers on the population signs outside small towns whenever Old Father Cartwright dies.

And yet President Obama contumaciously persists in refusing to push it. Never mind the jobs numbers and reports. That’s the executive branch, and they are known for their trickery. I don’t know what he’s waiting for! A third term? That is just what a “king or monarch” (Boehner again) like him would want!

The president, if you want my opinion (and I guess you must, because you have not clicked your way out of this window yet) has been acting far too much like a “king or monarch” and for far too long.  He is acting so much like a monarch that he showed up at a state dinner clad entirely in ermine robes and the dashed hopes of peasants, carrying a large scepter, and causing several portraits of George Washington that were hanging on the wall at the time to get up and walk pointedly out of their frames in disgust. At least this is what I heard on talk radio. (I believe everything I hear on talk radio because everyone seems so upset. Why would you get so upset about something that was not actually happening? Unless it were the Star Wars prequels, or any time someone dies on Game of Thrones, or a Kardashian relationship, or — or –  well, I still think it’s a good rule.) Also, I hear he walks around these days entirely surrounded by corgis.

Suing him would at least generate jobs for a few lawyers and all the hard-working industrial employees at the plant where they manufacture controversy. But they don’t need jobs. This Congress has been very good to them.

“Over the last five years, starting — not coincidentally — when his political party lost the majority in the House of Representatives, the President has consistently overstepped his authority under the Constitution, and in so doing eroded the power of the legislative branch,” Boehner explained. With the help of BLAG (the Bipartisan Legal Advisory Group), we will have words for him. (“BLAG,” is, coincidentally, also the sound that you make when you hear that your case is coming up before BLAG.)

It is clear we are at an impasse. Whenever the president tries to make something happen using the power of the Executive Branch, Congress gets upset. What Congress wanted to do was nothing. This, they felt, was what we elected them for. If we wanted bills and things to pass to maybe create those jobs we have heard so much about, we would not have voted so that the House and Senate would be composed of the people they are composed of, with the majorities and filibusters and occasional flutters of committee-ing that this entails. The American people said they wanted change, but really what they wanted was just a little bit off the top because anything else would frighten their spouses. Congress gets that.

The president thought that when we said we wanted jobs and changes, we wanted jobs and changes. He will learn. Even then, he used fewer executive orders than his predecessors, but — hey, it’s not the scale, but how you use them, that counts.

Some people are already describing this as “a flagrant partisan stunt.” That is nonsense. A flagrant partisan stunt would be much more fun: Say, a man in a bright red suit shouting, “OBAMA’s not MY president!” before jumping a motorcycle over a long row of flaming trucks — which actually happens in some parts of the country, come to think of it.

But as Speaker Boehner points out, trying to take some kind of unprecedented legal action against the president is an old tradition in the House. As old as Marbury vs. Madison, he says, which I assume is some fancy name Speaker Boehner has come up with for the Lewinsky scandal. No, I’m sorry, he says: “When there are conflicts like this — between the legislative branch and the executive branch — it is my view that it is our responsibility to stand up for this institution in which we serve, and for the Constitution.”

Also the President spilled coffee on him one time and did not warn Speaker Boehner that it was going to be hot, and he thinks we can probably get a lot out of him for that. Or was that McDonald’s? No, I think that might have been McDonald’s. I’m sorry. Go on with the regular suit. If anything, I’m worried that it isn’t frivolous enough.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.