Happy Shiny Person. (Photo By Tom Williams/Roll Call via Getty Images)
Happy Shiny Person. (Photo By Tom Williams/Roll Call via Getty Images)

Whenever I think I understand today’s teens, they get crazy-excited about the presence of Michael Grimm at their Sweet Sixteens, and I have to go reevaluate everything in light of this new information.

Who are these teens? Haven’t they met any real celebrities? What was it that drew them to Rep. Grimm? The way he told that reporter that he “wasn’t man enough?” 

According to Business Insider, which managed to screencap all the posts before they were deleted, Rep. Grimm (R-N.Y.) made quite a splash at a Sweet Sixteen party.

You threaten to throw one reporter off a balcony and “break you in half, like a boy,” and then suddenly your life blurs before your eyes and you find yourself surrounded by admiring teens at a Sweet Sixteen party who are trying to get you to fall in love (“I’m gonna dance with him all night and make him fall in love with me”) and come to prom with them. This is some fairy-tale nonsense. Maybe they confused him with the other Grimm — not the one from the TV show, the other other Grimm.

But I’m genuinely curious: How does this happen?

His spokesman told Business Insider that“The Congressman knows the family personally, and was invited by the parents to attend and wish their daughter a happy birthday,” which doesn’t begin to answer any of the questions the scenario raises. This does not address, for instance, why the teens thought it was cool that he was there. That’s the part I don’t get!

Frankly, I could learn a thing or two from this man.

Whenever I wind up surrounded by high schoolers, they never address me as “bae” and invite me to prom. (Possibly this is because I spend all my time asking in a feverish, nervous manner whether Snapchat is still “in” and “who are the vine stars? Is that the term, ‘vine stars’?” and “tell me, what will be racist in the future?”) I wouldn’t go if they asked, of course. I just want to know how to get them to ask!

All told, this is my favorite thing that has happened all day, in large part because it has been such a slow news day that George W. Bush’s outpatient knee surgery made it to cable news. But still.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day.