This is what I wrote the day that Colin Cowherd first decided to make John Wall his personal pinata:
The thing about people like Colin Cowherd is this: they say dumb stuff so that gullible people will write down the dumb stuff they say, and then other people will react with possibly misspelled outrage, and then they'll get to see their name on web logs, chuckling with sinister satisfaction in their secret lairs. The only real antidote is to ignore them.
And while that’s all still true, I can’t help it! Cowherd, Wall and I have formed some bizarre parasitic symbiotic Dougietastic triangle, wherein the ESPN Radio host repeatedly rips Wall over 30 seconds of dancing that happened nearly two years ago, and I transcribe his ravings, and the soft glittery flakes of Dougie-flavored success shower down upon all of us, enriching the world and making life just a little bit better for each of its inhabitants.
Anyhow, here ya go, from Monday’s show. Cowherd said that his two-years-old Wall rant was “the highest tested eight-minute spot in the history of ESPN Radio,” and that Serena Williams doing the Crip Walk at Wimbledon was fine because “she’s earned the right to celebrate,” and that “John Wall was idiotic.”
And yes, John Wall will be 40 years retired from the NBA and using his cane as a prop in old-timer Dougie contests, and Cowherd and I will still be doing this.
COLIN COWHERD ON DANCING OR SOMETHING
“About two or three years ago, I did a commentary which probably got the most positive and negative feedback, certainly on the blogosphere, when I just undressed John Wall of the Washington Wizards, in his first home game, doing a 30-second — what was it called, the Dougie dance — when he came out. And I just ripped him. I thought it was the most idiotic thing I’d ever seen.
“We never made it a racial issue, but it became a big racial issue by my critics. We never mentioned or cared that John Wall happened to be African-American. It was idiotic. It was like your first day at Starbucks, doing a 30-minute dance. I mean, it was just absurd. It wasn’t about race. It wasn’t about anything other than you have to earn your stripes in life.
“Your first day on the job as a sportswriter, if you walked into the L.A. Times or Seattle Times building doing a dance, people would be like who’s the moron? Your first NFL start at quarterback, you can’t do what Ray Lewis does when you’re Ray Lewis before games. You can’t do that your first game as a rookie.
“So I ripped John Wall. The critics had a field day. By the way, it’s the highest tested eight-minute spot in the history of ESPN Radio. We tested it among a gender-diverse, racially-diverse crowd. It tested through the roof. Because people, unlike critics, have common sense.
“So this weekend, Serena Williams goes out, wins the gold at Wimbledon, and some of the critics — like most of the time — are on the wrong side. They’re all over Serena Williams for her Crip dance, whatever the hell that is. I didn’t have a problem with the dance whatsoever, because she’s a person of achievement. It was a five-second dance, not a 30-second dance.
“There’s a big difference between being at a dinner party, accidentally burping, and then doing it for 45 seconds for effect. It’s different. It was a four-to-five second dance after success. She’s earned the right to celebrate.
“You know, those Olympic golds don’t happen very often for tennis players. John Wall had never even played a home game. Went on a 30-second dance. He’s not a person of achievement in the NBA. It was first day on the job guy. It’s the big difference between the CEO of a company signing a huge deal, popping a cork and doing a three-second dance. I’ll give you that. I’m not giving first-day on the job barista guy walking into Starbucks, yo yo yo look at me.
“So it was never a racial issue. I couldn’t give a rip. It’s people who have achieved a level of success can celebrate how they want, especially if it’s brief. So who cares about Serena? She’s a world-class athlete. She’s unbelievable. Well, it’s classless. Hey listen, I’m not a guy that’s gonna dance either way, but it’s just not that hard of an issue.
“If you’ve earned something in life, celebrate it. Make it brief. Grind regularly, celebrate rarely is my motto for life. But you’ve earned the right to celebrate as a great Olympic champion. Go for it. John Wall was idiotic.”