Yes, this is immature, but dang did it make me laugh.
Anyhow, some more morning links, with help from Max Wasserman.
* In a glut of translated interviews, Alex Ovechkin again says he will quit the NHL if the league prevents players from participating in the 2014 Olympics, Ovie makes the cover of Russia's Men's Health, and Alex Semin says he "fell in love with Washington. Nice, quiet town." (Alex Ovetjkin, Alex Ovetjkin, Alex Ovetjkin)
* Jim Zorn on Jason Campbell's offseason: "We're living in reality here, we're not living in some kind of a dreamworld, and things happen....Some of that is media driven, not so much living it out daily. You know, every time he came in, he didn't see a picture of Mark Sanchez on the door as he walked in, saying DEAL WITH THIS!" (Comcast SportsNet)
* Jim Zorn to Rick Maese, in the quote of the season: "In my whole life, I've never been on a pornography site. Ever." (Redskins Insider)
* Four Redskins O-linemen have lost a combined 156 pounds by swinging sledgehammers and pushing SUVs, among other things. (Rick Maese rulez)
* Malcolm Kelly promises he'll freestyle rap for Lindsay Czarniak after his first score: "I've got a lot on my mind, I've got a lot to say, and it's all gonna come out after that first touchdown." (NBC Washington)
* Brendan Haywood is a good center, dangit! (Truth About It)
* Evaluating the ACC's TV outlet options. No matter what they get, the SEC will still be kicking their behinds. (Testudo Times)
* In last night's CONCACAF Champions League match against El Salvador's Luis Angel Firpo, D.C. United defender Greg Janicki makes one of the worst mistakes ever seen in professional soccer...and maybe even Stoddert soccer. (YouTube)
* Here's your countdown to the Stephen Strasburg signing deadline. (Countdown 2 Zero)
* The Pirates are taking $10 off the cheap seats for their upcoming series with the Nats. It'll have all the passion of Caps-Penguins, with none of those pesky spectators. (Deadspin)
* Stewart Cink Tweets about the Nats: "Kudos to Florence, AL's own Josh Willingham of the Nats: 2 Grand Slams in yesterday's win! And shares a hometown with yours truly. ;)"
* This is the worst image ever, but here is Shaq putting The Claw on my skull. (Twitpic via Washington Times)