So I was the first guest to arrive at the Gray-Pawlak Gatorade Victory Lane wedding. It was scheduled for 2:30, and I was there at 2:30 sharp, but there was no wedding and no guests and no flowers and no champagne. There were, however, two 16-year-old girls taking photos of themselves in front of Gatorade Victory Lane, so I asked them if they were possibly going to wait for the wedding. They got excited.
"When I get married to Kevin Harvick it'll be here," Lyndsey Smith said.
"And when I get married to Kasey Kahne it'll be here, too," Jessica Dyson said.
"Tell DeLana [Harvick] I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be a homebreaker," Lyndsey said.
"A blog? I was going to wear my 'No one cares about your blog,' t-shirt," Jessica said.
"Do you have any flowers? I want to be a flower girl," Lyndsey said.
I asked if they'd really want to get married in Gatorade Victory Lane.
"Actually, I would," Lyndsey said.
"If it was Kasey Kahne I would," Jessica said.
"If it was a race car driver you'd have to," Lyndsey said.
I asked whether Kasey Kahne was really as good-looking as all that.
"Um, yeah," Jessica said, suddenly regarding me as if I had the intelligence of a butter churn.
"But not as good looking as Kevin Harvick," Lyndsey said.
As we scanned the horizon for the wedding party, I asked them to explain who their favorite driver was in 20 words or less (my new gimmick, apparently).
"Kevin Harvick, becasue he has an attitude and he knows how to race good. I like my boys with attitude," Lyndsey said.
"I love Kasey Kahne because he is very beautiful, and he's young and cute and a good driver, end of story," Jessica said.
"Oh, can I add something to mine?" Lyndsey said. "Plus, he drives a Chevy, and Chevys are ultimately the best cars ever."
(By the way, here's a tip about bringing washed rind cheeses that smell like dirty socks into crowded media centers on blazing hot days: don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever even think about it. Never.)