About two months ago I mentioned that Bobby Boswell has done some Top Five Breakfast Cereal research. At the time, he wasn't ready to talk about his list. I asked again today, and he was still reserved.
"I just don't know if I'm ready to disclose that," he said.
But, as he and goalie Troy Perkins lifted weights after training today, the details leaked out. The Top Five might fluctuate here and there, and they're in no particular order, but here they are:
* Cinnamon Toast Crunch
* Honey Nut Cheerios
* Honey Smacks
That's a lot of honey, I observed. "I don't even like honey," he said, which, you have to admit, is odd for someone whose Top Five list includes 60 percent honey-based breakfast cereals. [This list doesn't count Rice Krispies, which he eats every day, and thus is not eligible for Top Five status.]
Unlike most of my nonsense, however, this is no mere trifle. See, when Boswell lived with his parents, he would go to the grocery store and buy literally 10 boxes of cereal at a time. (He really likes cereal.) Then he moved out, and discovered that cereal was expensive. Thus, he had to be a bit picky to avoid bankrupting himself on cereal, and he came up with his Top Five, and when he went to the grocery store he would limit himself to the names on that list.
He also discovered that cereal was one of those common-bond type things, a topic that can bridge demographic divides, like parenthood and taxes and disliking the Yankees. (My words, not his.)
"As a kid, you eat cereal," he said. "It's one of those things that everyone's done. Everyone can relate to it."
So now, he has this theory that a Top Five cereal list means something, that "you can tell a lot about people from their Top Five. Like my Top Five, you can tell I'm childish," he said.
Then Troy Perkins gave us his Top Five. This is in order.
1. Strawberry Delight Frosted Mini-Wheats
2. Special K with Red Berries
3. Maple & Brown Sugar Frosted Mini-Wheats
4. Fruity Pebbles
"He eats healthy, and he's an oddball," deduced Cereal Whisperer Boswell. "Because he gets these flavors that no one's ever heard of. He probably saves money, though. Because he gets those flavors that no one's ever heard of, he probably gets four boxes for five dollars, and then he learns to like them."
Perkins admitted that much of this was accurate. Here's my Top Five.
1. Special K
2. Corn Flakes
4. Honey Nut Cheerios
5. Raisin Bran
"Very plain, very simple, petty boring," deduced the Cereal Whisperer. "That's boring. But it's healthy, so it means you care about your health. They're cheap, too. Those are pretty bland. I would expect more out of you."
Sorry. Honestly, block shtick aside, this is probably a fairly accurate personality assessment: kinda cheap, kinda health-conscious, sorta boring. The cereal test works. List your Top Five cereals below. Maybe I'll get the Cereal Whisperer to tell me what your lists mean. Oh, by the way, if he remembers correctly, Alecko Eskandarian, who has reportedly been traded to Salt Lake, prefers Fruity Pebbles.