St. Louis baseball writer makes hilarious jokes about the Nats

Maybe you retired to bed soon after the Nats lost to the Phillies in walk-off fashion Monday night. Probably you dug back into your dog-eared copy of Babbitt and read a page or two, or possibly you listened to an audio recording of Team of Rivals, or perhaps you finally looked up recipes for white bean and kale soup. Yes, despite this weather.

And while you were thus occupied, you probably missed St Louis Post-Dispatch columnist Joe Strauss’s hilarious bons mots about the Nats. So I will bring them to your attention now, because I love you, and I don’t want top-notch witticisms to fly past your over-taxed eyeballs, depriving you of a precious chance to find laughter and goodness and mirth:

This is funny, because it’s the Nats’ marketing slogan, and the Nats lost on Monday night. Meaning, the team has a marketing slogan, and lost a game. I’ll pause here for you to collect yourself.

Now, this is funny, because apparently a few Nats fans got angry at Strauss or something. And by writing “#NotMyMarketingCampaign,” Strauss here signifies that he did not, in fact, come up with Natitude. Meaning he’s zeroing in on the real target: the sports-marketing employees in the Washington front office who came up with Natitude, employees whose hands could never be washed clean of this villainy merely through the deft use of a hashtag.

Via @kathrynhockey.
Via @kathrynhockey.

Sports marketing slogans, it goes without saying, are among the planet’s greatest scourges, leaving modern civilization dependent upon brave Fourth-Estaters who will bravely, and yet hilariously, chop their creators down to size, preferably through the use of a Twitter hashtag. Like, remember when the Nats used “Expect It” a few years back? Seriously, what the hell were we supposed to expect? And yet the local press allowed the marketers to roam free, laying waste to this community, stripping it down to its innards through the employ of a slogan that actually #WasTheirMarketingCampaign. You can see, therefore, why a hero must emerge from some quaint midwestern burg that still values values, a person who knows what sorts of things really matter — sports marketing slogans — and what needs to be done.

Now, THIS is funny because the Nats play in Washington, so the IT Colo to Cloud government contractors from Ashburn who cheer for the team are probably actually Congressional staffers from, like, Tennessee, who I guess adopted the local nine and, in traditional Congressional fashion, then decided to defend that team’s honor with bad words on the Internet. Hell, maybe those staffers masquerading as IT contractors are actually Congresspersons themselves. Wait, maybe you are. Maybe you’re wasting my tax money right now by reading this, and also cursing out the side of your mouth. And…oh man….you’re probably making the American Taxpayer foot the bill for the WaPo paywall, too, aren’t you???? You sick animal. You make me want to vomit. Without cursing. A cleansing, wholesome vomit.

Now, I’m going to let you figure out for yourself why this is funny, while I go over and lunge into a cement wall 10 or 20 times, because heaven knows I don’t care what some random person from St. Louis writes about the Nats on Twitter, and you sure don’t care, and he doesn’t care, because no one living in St. Louis could possibly care about the marketing slogan of a Washington baseball team in the middle of June, unless that person were actually drowning in several tons of the gloppy tapioca pudding of despair, so starved for angry human reaction that he must taunt a Twitter account purporting to represent the beard of a D.C. ballplayer late at night, but if that’s the case, then what does it all say about the sportswriter/blogger person from half a continent away who takes the time and energy to recognize and sort of winkingly respond to these comments that no one cared about in the first place, and Oh Mercy it might never end if someone else responds with similar weariness, although that would require an energy level that this debate could not possibly inspire, because it isn’t even a debate. It’s just nothing. A vast expanse of nothingness.

That’s what you’ve been staring at, while I’ve been lunging into that wall. What does it look like? Can you see it? I think you can, but you don’t want to. #NotMyNothingness.

This refers to Edward Mujica, because his nickname is The Chief. I’m not sure it was really supposed to be funny, but you can still laugh, if you want.

 

PHOTO OF THE NIGHT
“Ian Krol is a ‘Belieber,’ ” MASN’s Julie Alexandria wrote underneath this photo of the Nats rookie reliever. Is he really? Is this some hilarious prank orchestrated by his teammates? Is this a staged photo? We’ll never know, because the Nats refuse to win games and allow things to be fun and non-mopey again.

 

COOLEY’S TRIBUTE TO ROOSEVELT
Chris Cooley made pots for the new Teddy Roosevelt-themed restaurant, Teddy and the Bully Bar. Via Fritz Hahn: “The former Redskins tight end and noted potter is friends with artist Maggie O’Neil, who designed the interiors of Teddy and sister restaurant Lincoln. He created all the pottery for Teddy, as well as a sculpture of a bull that will be hung before Teddy opens its doors to the public on June 24.”

 

H-ROD REMAINS H-ROD 


(Via @ryanjkelly)

The Nats lost thanks in part to a late-inning bullpen failure, but fans still were glad to see the Henry Rodriguez Show afflict some other ballclub. On Monday, it was the Cubs, for whom SMH-Rod debuted, plunking an umpire and a batter with his first two pitches.

 

WHAT TO WATCH TODAY
The Nats are in Philly at 7 on MASN. The Spurs have a chance to close out the Heat at 9 on ABC. All TV and radio listings are here.

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Dan Steinberg writes about all things D.C. sports at the D.C. Sports Bog.
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