The best D.C. sports quotes of 2013

December 16, 2013

The Year of the Clown Question was a tough act to follow, but 2013 ended up being pretty quotable, thanks mostly to Alex Ovechkin and Davey Johnson. Here’s a collection of the best lines uttered by D.C. sports figures this year (with the caveat that Mike Shanahan’s press conference this week could bump everything off the list). Anything we missed? Let us know in the comments.


“My hair was too big. And my head is big, and my hair is big, so my helmet gets too small. So I have to make a haircut.”
Alex Ovechkin

 

“Well none of my guys could, ’cause we can’t score.”
Davey Johnson, upon learning that Boston’s Mike Napoli apparently was dating a porn star

 

“Whatever it takes. Have two midgets come in here and massage you. Whatever it takes, man, do it.”
Martell Webster, on staying ready to play

 

“We’ll never change the name. It’s that simple. NEVER — you can use caps.”
Daniel Snyder

 

“If we’re ahead a couple of games, I’d probably try putting him six feet under.”
Bryce Harper on Julio Teheran hitting him with a pitch

 


“We gotta show up tomorrow ready to eat somebody’s face.”
Jayson Werth

 

“Human nature’s a [bleep]. It happens. You get feeling good about yourself. Maybe you get loose, or something, I don’t know why you’re feeling good about yourself.”
Randy Wittman, on why his players sometimes stop moving the ball

 

“He’s not a human. He’s an alien. He’s from outer space. Pluto or somewhere. I don’t know.”
Fred Davis, on RGIII

 

“Embarrassing is almost the right term right now. Pathetic is probably a better one. You know, I feel bad for the fans. I’d like to finish a game with at least 50 percent of the fans still in the stands. Their reaction is completely warranted — booing us. We haven’t earned any respect.”
Troy Brouwer, on the Caps’ losses back in January

 


“It was tough to get a grip. I felt like I was making love to my hand. Just one of those things where I was constantly trying to find some grip, somehow, some way. The rosin bag, whatever, licking the fingers. But it felt good after that.”
Gio Gonzalez

 

“What a great competitor he is. I can’t wait until I’m 23.”
Bryce Harper, who wants to be like Yeonis Cespedes when he grows up

 

“There’s been a big change in the last 30 years. I didn’t know he had that good a body, and I didn’t know he had that much hair.”
Davey Johnson on Steve McCatty in Playgirl

 

“Ah, I don’t know. It went far. It went over the fence. I don’t care. Let’s go.”
Jayson Werth, not caring about his home run

 


“Our young guys must take their heads out their butts and play the right way, because I’m getting tired of this.”
Nene, getting angry

 

“I really, honestly don’t care about the Ovechkin-Crosby rivalry.”
Brooks Laich

 

“You know, you get that little crooked eye, and it goes down, and back up a little bit. That’s what I’m talking about as sleep. Dozing off, not SLEEP sleep, like, DEEP sleep.”
Fred Davis, on the difference between sleeping through team meetings and dozing off

 

“Lesson? Maybe learn how to play in the playoffs, I would say.”
Nicklas Backstrom, asked if there was a lesson to be learned after another Game 7 loss

 

“I saw an opportunity to fly, so I [got out] my wings and tried to fly. I hit the ground pretty hard. … People, we really can’t fly. Really. No matter how much we dream about it.”
RGIII, on getting a first down by taking to the sky

 


“Maybe we’ll just hit it off and I get that 12-, 15-year contract. Well, maybe three years. But anyway, whatever it is.”
Mike Shanahan

 

“I don’t know if we have to sacrifice a cow or something. I don’t know what we have to do.”
Jay Beagle, on the Caps’ bad luck

 

“In this day and time, you can’t hardly do anything without somebody tweeting you or Facebooking you or something. It’s just too complicated. Fact is, I’m going to change my e-mail this year because I’m getting too many unwanted e-mails. Spam. I’ve got my thing set on the highest spam filter and it still gets through. I’m not even going to tell you, but you can guess at my age what I might be getting.”
Davey Johnson

 

“I pitched well, minus one pitch.”
Stephen Strasburg, on giving up a grand slam in the ninth inning

 

“Yeah, like, we went to the bar. I got home at 7 in the morning. I get hammered. That’s kind of Russian celebration.”
Alex Ovechkin on the Caps clinching the Southeast

 


“I have to get sexy first.”
Marcin Gortat, not wanting to talk to reporters until he had a suit on

 

“I feel terrible about it. I feel like we just punched our sport in the face.”
Brooks Laich on the lockout

 

“I could get a T-shirt that says ‘All in for Week 4 of the Preseason.’ That’s not quite as catchy, and I don’t have an endorsement deal with an apparel company. Maybe someone will sign me now. I don’t make enough money to get fined. Maybe I’ll get a deal with some off-brand or something that sells at Walmart or something.”
Kirk Cousins

 

“We had a good time, but then he got recalled by Putin and had to leave.”
Adam Oates on his visit to Moscow to see Ovechkin

 


“I would say I’m 100 percent, but you can’t put a number on it, no one ever knows when they are 100 percent or what percentage they’re playing at. The biggest thing is I’m not below 100 percent.”
RGIII

 

“If you don’t get with the times, bro, you better step aside,”
Matt Williams, on analytics

 

“I’m laughing at him now, because his calf is the size of my wrists. Seriously, he’s got to put on some weight. He might get destroyed out there. He’s so small.”
Marcin Gortat on Otto Porter

 


“Right now I’m scoring goals and I’m the king of the world. And a couple weeks ago I was almost in the toilet. So maybe you just forget to flush me.”
Alex Ovechkin, on being named first star of the week

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Dan Steinberg | December 16, 2013