If you don’t pay a ton of attention to mascots, or sports, maybe you only know about G-Man from the time he helped John Wall win the dunk contest.
But G-Man offered perhaps the biggest highlight of last weekend’s Wizards-Pacers D.C. two-game set. It was some sort of tribute to the Ultimate Warrior, and also possibly Hulk Hogan.
It started with some on-court braggadocio from Boomer, the Pacers mascot, although obviously this was not the real Boomer. It looked more like a mascot version of sweet potato fries, frankly. With baggy pants.
Regardless, the scene then cut to G-Man, trapped in some unknown nether reaches of Verizon Center. But Ultimate Warrior’s music came on, which meant good times were a-comin’.
Indeed, the swole-like blue-hued Wizards mascot soon appeared on the scene, demonstrating that he meant business through the use of an inflatable chair. This was surely a sly nod to wrestling fans fond of TLC, or Tables Ladders and Chairs matches. That’s what someone in the office told me, anyhow. I wouldn’t know. I’m not 12.
Send your angry e-mails to someone else! Anyhow, then G-Man switched to a Hogan homage by ripping off his T-shirt. Or maybe he was paying tribute to a different wrestler. I’m not really pretending that I put a lot of time into this item. “I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion,” like Kerouac wrote. He possibly wasn’t referring to NBA mascot wrestling matches, but you never can tell.
Here’s where it really got good. Because some of G-Man’s friends aligned the fake Boomer on a folding table, and then G-Man flew through the air, and truth be told he probably flew a little bit too far, but Boomer played along by kind of tipping the table over so that he tragically fell at least one or two feet onto a padded mat, and then G-Man violently pushed him several more inches onto the ground, at which point someone counted to three and G-Man was declared the winner of the weirdest unannounced mascot pro wrestling bout that took place during a basketball rout I’ve ever seen.
Because sports, and all. Anyhow, there’s probably a good omen in there somewhere about the end of this series, or the end of civilization, anyhow.