Check out the Washington Capitals’ new Winter Classic toques

Confession: One of my true life goals is to be able to wear a toque in everyday situations. You know, without everyone thinking I’m weird. Obviously.

I mean, just watch this “Hockey Night in Canada” intro:

Doesn’t that make you think, “Dang those bros in toques look so cool and focused“? Admit it. You even thought that about Phil Kessel.

Anyway. That’s why — when I saw the face Mike Green was making in this photo of him, wearing Washington’s Winter Classic toque — I was like, “Same.” Because I’m no expert, but these toques do not exactly seem suitable to everyday situations.

First of all, man, that is an aggressive pom on top there. Here it is again, floating over Andre Burakovsky, like the red ghost in Pac-Man.

Woof. I don’t know what Andre Burakovsky is saying in this interview, but I bet it’s something like “I’ll never be able to wear this aggressive pom toque with a suit!” And wearing toques with suits is a time-honored hockey tradition!

You know those patriotic shirts your mom buys at the Fourth of July, or the weird American flag sweater your teacher had in elementary school? It’s like someone turned those things into a hat. Stop ruining toques for me, Winter Classic!

If you’d prefer to focus on the positives, at least the Caps’ toques are better than the Blackhawks’ toques. Poor Andrew Shaw.

Sarah Larimer is a general assignment reporter for the Washington Post.

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Scott Allen · November 7, 2014