NCAA tournament: Report retracted about Stanford band smuggling alcohol in tubas

UPDATE: Okay, so maybe not. The original post, which now holds no merit in practice but is still rather brilliant in theory, is below.

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As halftime wound down in the second-round game between Stanford and Kansas, some truly amazing news broke out of St. Louis. Members of the Stanford band — formally called the Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band — have been allegedly busted for turning their tuba bells into liquor cabinets.

In high school band class, we used tubas as basketball hoops, so it only seems natural that college kids created a more adult-oriented function for the instruments. The bells are huge — it’s the biggest brass instrument — and deep, so unless something gets lodged in the winding maze of pipes, retrieval takes little more than flipping the instrument over and watching everything fall out. Besides, the Stanford tuba section — called Tööbz, because why not throw umlauts into the conversation — bills itself thusly:

In an act of self-definition, the Tööbz are: -Without a doubt, the funkiest sexion, home to such famous shattering bass lines as “I Wish” and “Tear the Roof Off” -The proudest and most prolific consumers of bacon -The only sexion where said paint job can enrage USC fans to the point of throwing food at you -The sexion that roucks out the hardest and most dramatically -The sexion that is most likely to lead the Band in adopting dubstep as a model for how to sound -Still, always, the best

So…it’s not surprising.

 


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Alex Prewitt covers the Washington Capitals. Follow him on Twitter @alex_prewitt or email him at alex.prewitt@washpost.com.
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