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Post Partisan
Posted at 10:22 AM ET, 04/18/2012

The Colombian prostitutes’ real mission

Sen. Susan Collins of Maine is the senior Republican on the Senate Homeland Security Committee and as such she has been briefed by the appropriate officials on the prostitution scandal that has both rocked the proud Secret Service and buoyed the economy of Cartagena, Colombia. She is determined to find out who the women were and whether they had ties to groups hostile to the United States. There is, as I have found out, good reason to worry.

Four of the 22 women involved contribute on regular basis to Grover Norquist’s Americans for Tax Reform. Some of the women do this voluntarily while others have their dues deducted from their night’s take, but they all say they support the organization, for if it’s successful it will bring down the government of the United States by starving it of tax revenue. “No dinero, no nada,” one of them is reported to have said. (As is required, I am shielding her identity because she fears retribution — not from her pimp but from “Señor Norquist,” she said, in obvious terror.)

Certain others of the sex workers belong to the National Rifle Association. They have been instructed to join the NRA by the violent and cruel Colombia cartel, which knows better than most that the more Americans who have guns, the more they kill one another. This weakens the country and, coupled with the country’s lack of tax revenue, means that soon the Norte Americanos will be too weak to maintain law and order. Once again, the identities of these women cannot be revealed.

Amazingly enough, all the prostitutes were politically aware and active. Some of them considered themselves to be small-business owners and therefor the backbone of the Colombia economy, responsible for two out of every six jobs — except in the out years, according to projections. Some considered moving to America to be covered by Obamacare, but the prospect of the Supreme Court striking it down left them undecided. They insisted that small businesses needed predictability.

Seven of the women, according to sources very close — but not that close — to the prostitutes had pooled their money to become a Super PAC and had donated to the Newt Gingrich campaign — “Las Hookeras Para Newt,” it was called. Under intense interrogation — but no waterboarding was used — the women confessed that they believed the election of Gingrich would create havoc in the United States — too many crazy ideas, one of them noted. Others insisted that Señor Rick Perry would create havoc. When shown a video of Mitt Romney, all but one of them fell asleep.

So Sen. Collins is right to worry. In general, prostitutes don’t care about politicians, since it takes one to know one, but this case sure seems to be different. I will post, tweet, friend and semaphore updates.


By  |  10:22 AM ET, 04/18/2012

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