Okay, I watched the World Cup. And as readers know, I am a fair-minded sort of guy.
Now that the United States is out of the competition, I think we can rightfully assume it’s all over. There’s nothing left to see; it’s time to move on.
But it is right to ask ourselves what lessons have been learned.
My conclusion, after giving soccer a fair shot on the global stage, is that it’s time for the entire world to yield to American football. Yes, there is a place for soccer and children should continue to play in their spare time. However, henceforth the worldwide name for “soccer” should be “soccer.” When “football” is spoken of, it should be in the reverent, respectful tone and vocabulary of American football. Otherwise it just creates unnecessary international confusion.
But I digress. The fact is that football is an infinitely better game than soccer. Period. Football requires a much wider range of physical talent and a broader variety of athletic skills and capabilities. Soccer is too monolithic. Also, football has much cooler uniforms and equipment. And we have cheerleaders who make a meaningful contribution to the football experience. Plus, football offers the satisfaction that comes from watching fun beer and car commercials and provides needed interludes to retrieve more liquor and food during the game.
Think about it: When every other country in the world starts playing real football, we could hold a really spectacular World Bowl in a few years, complete with a great halftime show and the best commercials ever. And the United States almost certainly would win.
So I think this settles it. President Obama should use the remainder of his term and his love of ruling by fiat to produce the international protocols, treaties or whatever else (short of drone strikes) would ensure the dominance of football around the world. The president undoubtedly would have huge congressional support, and the American people would be with him. And if handled correctly, who knows? President Obama could finally get what he has always wanted, and the rise of the oceans would begin to slow and the planet would begin to heal. Just as he promised.
If the installation of football is managed well and insurgent deadender soccer fans are adequately suppressed, as a famous Republican almost once said in an analogous situation, “our coaches and players will be greeted as liberators.”
Follow Ed on Twitter: @EdRogersDC