Time for the annual family dinner, where you are the behind-the-scenes powerbroker, the resident expert on All Things Beltway — or so your mom told her cousins. What if you’re just a deputy to an assistant to an undersecretary, i.e. intern? Our sixth annual Thanksgiving Talking Points are just smarty-pants enough to wow the hometown crowd. Okay, maybe they’re not technically true — but that never stops presidential candidates.
The Supercommittee Fail
(Jonathan Ernst/Reuters)
• “There were billions in mandatory and discretionary spending reforms as a potential alternative to the sequestration of defense funds — but Kyl just wouldn’t budge on tax cuts.”
• “The members were totally unincentivized to reach any agreement that would compromise their re-election fundraising strategies, especially with the new super-PAC money in the mix.”
• “Heh. Let’s just say Grover Norquist has some very interesting pictures in a locked safe.”
2012 Presidential Race
(Ricky Carioti/The Washington Post)
• “The fact that Romney
finally opened an Iowa headquarters tells you all you need to know about the caucus race.”
• “Sure he’s in trouble, but historically, the incumbent will win by 4 points if the unemployment rate stays under 10 percent, the GDP doesn’t drop more than 0.1 percentage point and consumer confidence — we call it the Walmart Index — stays above 50.”
• “I’m hearing Hillary replaces Biden next year with the lock for the 2016 ticket — or does ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ They gotta do something with her hair, though.”
White House
(Ron Edmonds/AP)
• “Well, you know, they had to give the day-to-day to Rouse — Bill Daley could never penetrate the inner circle.”
• “Trust me, the only numbers Obama worries about is his golf score. The man can’t putt to save his life.”
• “‘Let’s move’? To the pantry! Michelle contols the East Wing’s secret stash of Funyuns.”
“Occupy” protests
(Karen Bleier/AFP)
• “It’s not college kids — my friend at the RNC says unions are behind the whole thing.”
• “It’s not college kids — my buddy at the DNC says right-wing activists infiltrated to make liberals look bad.”
• “It’s not college kids — my guy at MTV says it’s shooting for ‘Real World: McPherson Square.’”
European Economic Crisis
(Milos Bicanski/GettyImages)
• “Actually, Angela Merkel and Mario Draghi will do more to decide whether the president gets re-elected than anyone else.”
• “What you are all overlooking is the critical role played by fluctuations of the Turkish lira!”
• “I really can’t talk about it — but Sarkozy has been impossible to deal with since the baby. No sleep, no sex!”
Bonus Sidebar!
When someone hits you with an embarrassing personal question, just answer like a candidate! . . .
(Mark Wilson/GettyImages)
Q: “How come you’re not married yet?”
A: (in the manner of Herman Cain ) “When the time is right, I plan to sit down with my advisers and examine the issues, then make a decision based on their recommendations. I’m a leader, not a lover.”
Q: “So, why exactly did you flunk out of college?”
A: (in the manner of Rick Perry ) “One, our education system in this country is failing because of Obama’s flawed policies; two, the funding that should have gone to state schools went to bloated social programs, and three. . . uh. . . oops. Too much beer pong!”
Q: “So, I hear you’re back in debt.”
A: (in the manner of Newt Gingrich ) “My wife has a lot of friends with birthdays.”
What we talked about at Thanksgivings past. . .
Thanksgiving Talking Points 2010, 11/24/10 (Michael Steele, media suspensions, royal wedding, Sarah Palin)
Thanksgiving Talking Points 2008, 11/27/08 (Financial crisis, new first family, Orszag’s hair)
Thanksgiving Talking Points 2007, 11/21/07 (Larry Craig, Bono, Jenna’s wedding)
Thanksgiving Talking Points 2006, 11/19/06 (Nancy Pelosi, Jim Webb, Dan Snyder and Tom Cruise)
Thanksgiving Talking Points 2005, 11/20/05 (Scooter Libby, Harriet Miers, Tai Shan)
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