Time for the annual family gathering, where you are the resident expert on All Things Beltway — or so your mom told her aunts. So what if you’re just a deputy to an assistant to an undersecretary (i.e. intern?) You tweet, don’t you? Our eighth annual Thanksgiving Talking Points are just jargony enough to wow the hometown dinner table. Okay, maybe they’re not technically true — but that never stops anyone in Washington, does it?
– “Harry Reid ended filibusters because he was fed up by the judicial obstructionists who hijacked the executive branch’s prerogative to select appellate court nominees — and it’s only way to shut up Rand Paul.”
–“John Boehner outmaneuvered the tea party by leveraging Wall Street investors and the U.S. Chamber of Commerce — exactly what I told you last year.I give Jim DeMint a year, tops, at Heritage.”
– “You know why Ted Cruz really forced the government shutdown? One word: Oktoberfest. The man likes his Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier.”
– “So I said, ‘Let’s do a trial run before the site launches. Couldn’t hurt, could it?’ And Henry Chao tells me, ‘I got this, bro.’ ”
– “If my approval ratings looked like Obama’s, I’d be talking up the Iranian nuclear deal too.”
– “My new health plan: Two aspirin and reruns of ‘Dr. Oz.’ ”
– Trying to photobomb Chris Brown at 4 a.m.
– Picking “Carlos Danger” as the name of your sexting avatar.
– Tweeting catty remarks about your White House coworkers under an anonymous Twitter handle.
– Short-selling Hillary 2016 stock.
Crack-Smoking Mayors, etc.
– Rob Ford calls it smoking crack during a drunken stupor. In Washington, we call that multitasking.”
– “Crack? Oh, please — that’s so 1990.”
– “Which is weirdest: a) Freshman congressman Trey Radel buying cocaine in Dupont Circle? b) Radel voting to require food stamp recipients to get drug tested? Or c) Calling himself the ‘hip-hop conservative’?”
D.C., the Hollywood Version
– “Eric Holder’s guy told me than when the boss visited the set in Morocco, Damian Lewis promised him this season will eventually make sense.” –
– “So, the writers of ‘House of Cards’ called again and I had to tell them, ‘Dudes, let it go. You know I can’t talk about my assignment.”
– “Do all fixers in Washington wear fabulous coats and look like Kerry Washington ? Yeah, Grandma, ‘Scandal’ got that exactly right.”
New Washington Stars
– “The China-U.S. trade imbalance is one of the most pressing economic issues of Obama’s second term, but no one outside of Commerce really cares . . . because the new baby panda is the cutest thing ever!”
– “I call Cory Booker ‘Senator Hottie’ just to see him blush.”
– “Why did Jeff Bezos buy The Washington Post? Because he gets free delivery if he spends $250 million.”
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