Every burn in Joel McHale’s brutal White House Correspondents’ Dinner speech

The jury is out as to whether Joel McHale’s White House Correspondents’ speech was “outstanding,” “awful” or something in between. But whether you thought the “Community” star was hilarious or hateful, one thing’s undeniable: He was definitely out for blood.

Who got burned the most — and worst — during McHale’s speech? It would appear New Jersey Governor Chris Christie narrowly edged out CNN, Healthcare.gov and Republicans for the win. (Er, make that loss.) A full catalog of McHale’s burns are below.

Comedian Joel McHale gave President Obama, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and many others a hard time at the White House Correspondents' Dinner on Saturday. Watch his full speech. (The Associated Press)


Arianna Huffington 

McHale described Huffington as having “19 nationalities in her accent”

Bill Clinton
“Chelsea Clinton is pregnant… so in nine months, we will officially have a sequel to ‘Bad Grandpa.’”
“It also raises the question… when the baby is born, do you give Bill Clinton a cigar?”

Bill O’Reilly
“He has a new book coming out, so he’s making his ghostwriters work around the clock.”

Bruce Jenner
Jenner is, per McHale, a “mad man who’s had plastic surgery”

Bush Family
“Jeb Bush might announce that he’s running. Wow, another Bush in the White House. Is it already time for our every-10-years surprise for Iraq?”

Chris Christie
“I promise tonight will be both amusing and over quickly, just like Christie’s presidential bid.”
“I’ve got a lot of these tonight, so buckle up Chris Christie… excuse me, extender buckle up.”
“You’re a glutton … for punishment.”
“Finally, a politician willing to stand up to America’s commuters.”
“I know you like a combo platter.”
There was also a long bit wherein McHale “apologized” for a bad joke and promised he’d investigate who wrote it. “If I find any wrong-doing on my part, I assure you I will be dealt with.”

Cliven Bundy
“The steaks tonight are very tasty … [they’re from] Cliven Bundy’s ranch. They taste amazing, once you peel off the tiny white hoods.”

[Read the entire transcript of McHale's speech]

CNN
“CNN is desperately searching for something they’ve been missing for months: their dignity.”
“At this point, CNN is like the RadioShack at a sad strip mall. You don’t know how it stayed in business this long, you don’t know anyone that shops there, and they just fired Piers Morgan.”
“Have you watched the news lately? Not CNN, the real news.”
“This is the 100th year of the White House Correspondents’ Association. Yes, 100 years ago, CNN was only searching for the Wright Brothers’ plane.”

CSPAN
“C-SPAN is like one of those ‘Paranormal Activity’ movies. It’s just grainy shots of empty rooms interrupted with images of people you’re pretty sure died a few years ago.”
“And thank you, C-SPAN viewer.”

Donald Trump
“Will Donald Trump run again? And the answer is, ‘Does that thing on his head crap in the woods?’”

Florida
“Between Rob Ford, Justin Bieber and Ted Cruz, you just want to tell Canada, hey, relax, we already have a Florida.”

Fox News
“Their key demographic? The corpses of old people who tuned into Fox News and haven’t yet been discovered.”
“[Fox anchors are the] Mount Rushmore of keeping old people angry.”

Google Glass
McHale described Google Glass as the sign you “know who to punch in the face.”

Healthcare.gov/Affordable Care Act
“I haven’t seen [Jay Carney] this nervous since the president said to him, ‘Look, just go out there and tell them the Web site is broken. They’ll understand.’”
The Web site has become, McHale joked, the standard by which we measure other bad things: “Ugh I shouldn’t have eaten that sushi, I was up all night healthcare.gov-ing.”
“Now, over 8 million people have signed up for Obamacare, which is impressive, until you realize that Ashley Tisdale has 12 million Twitter followers.”
“This year we did something that will change the health of millions” — bring back Twinkies.

Hilton Hotels
“I’m tingling with excitement. Or bed bugs.”

James Clapper
“It’s good to finally put a face to the voice clearing his throat on the other end of the phone.”

Jay Carney
“White House press secretary and boy detective Jay Carney is here.”

Jessica Simpson
“I think he’s one of the all-time best presidents … definitely in the top 50. Someone explain that [joke] to Jessica Simpson.”

Joe Biden
“Right now, Joe Biden is elbow-deep in jalapeno poppers and talking to a construction cone he thinks is John Boehner.”
Biden is “one heartbeat away from nobody taking him seriously as president.”
He is, per McHale, considering a presidential run “as if deciding to finish meatball hoagie.”

John Boehner
… still orange.

Julia Louis-Dreyfuss
McHale described Veep as a show about a Seinfeld star making another hit show — not offense to “The Old Adventures of New Christine,” he added.

Lindsey Graham
He “played Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire”

MSNBC
“I am a big fan of that lesbian on MSNBC, Chris Hayes.”
“Al Sharpton is their skinny guy.”

Nancy Pelosi
“I’m not going to spoil the surprise on ‘House of Cards,’ but just know that it was so shocking that Nancy Pelosi’s face changed its expression.”
“Did you like that one, Nancy? I can’t tell.”

NBC
“As my agent told me when I got a part on an NBC sitcom, things could be worse.”

Paul Ryan
“Mr. President—or, as Paul Ryan would call you, another inner city minority taking advantage of the federal government to feed and house your family.”

Peyton Manning
He wanted to come to the dinner, but “can only move four yards at a time.”

President Obama
“How about the president’s performance tonight, everyone? It’s amazing that you can still bring it with fresh, hilarious material. My favorite bit of yours was when you said you’d close the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay.”

Print Journalism
“Thanks to Obamacare, millions of Americans can visit a doctor’s office and see what a print magazine actually looks like.”

Republicans
“Republicans, E! is the channel your deeply closeted gay son watches.”
“E! is also home to the Kardashians, who, believe it or not, are Republicans. And I know that because they’re always trying to screw black people.”
A Republican asked McHale, “to be introduced to that hot chick from Dallas Buyer’s Club” — in reality, of course, a cross-dressing Jared Leto.
One of the GOP’s 2016 contenders, per McHale: “a bag of flour with Ronald Reagan’s face drawn on it”

Rob Ford
“He’s like a bull in a crackpipe shop.”

Robert DeNiro
McHale’s impression of DeNiro’s agent: *Phone rings* *Agent picks up* “He’ll do it!!!”

Russia
“Instead of being shipped off to a gulag, I’m going to the Vanity Fair after-party.”

Secret Service
They’re starting a “too drunk to make it to the brothel program”

Ted Cruz
Senators just want “time away from Ted Cruz”
“Between Rob Ford, Justin Bieber, and Ted Cruz, you just want to tell Canada, hey, relax, we already have a Florida.”

Tim Tebow
“Richard Sherman has intercepted all three Tim Tebow attempts to pass the dinner rolls.”

Washington, D.C.
“It’s a thrill to be here in Washington, D.C., the city that started the whole crack-smoking mayor craze.”
“There are a lot of celebrities here tonight. They’re the ones who don’t look like ghouls.”

White House Correspondents’ Dinner
There’s a plaque commemorating the first WHCD, also known as the world’s “first total sausagefest.”

More White House Correspondents’ Dinner coverage:

Caitlin Dewey runs The Intersect blog, writing about digital and Internet culture. Before joining the Post, she was an associate online editor at Kiplinger’s Personal Finance.
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