Editor’s note: Stand-up comedian, dedicated D.C. United supporter and former Box Seats blogger Jeff Maurer will be joining the Soccer Insider as an occasional contributor. He’ll offer a fan’s perspective to accompany Steven Goff’s reporting on MLS and international soccer. Read Jeff’s full bio here.
First, some news: sadly, Washington Post’s Box Seats blog is no more. Those of you seeking Redskins coverage will have to scrape by on whatever crumbs you can find here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here here or here. However, my coverage of D.C. United will live on as a companion piece to Steven Goff’s Soccer Insider blog. Thanks to all the readers who offered positive feedback over the past year and a half, and a special thanks to Goff for allowing me to graft off of his success by using the forum he created to find an audience. I am Dr. Phil to your Oprah, Goff.
Now, no news: D.C. United’s super-secret foreign striker signing still has not happened. They keep hinting that something is in the works, and I — like Linus waiting for the Great Pumpkin — am keeping the faith. After all, they just drafted four guys and traded for one more , none of whom are strikers. Ben has been popping up across the globe like Carmen freaking San Diego on his mysterious scouting trips — those must be leading to something. United added Maicon Santos last week, but that can’t be the big reveal. I don’t think the question is if they’re going to sign someone, it’s when and who.
The way I see it, they’ll sign one of four types of guys: The Third-World All-Star, The Guy Who Used to be Somebody, The Young Player Who Apparently has a Terrible Agent, or The Supreme Disappointment. Those are the options on the table. Carlos Tevez is not an option. Didier Drogba is not an option. These are our options, and they’re not all bad. We need to accept the fact that it’s going to be one of these four types of players. A few of the details are still to be filled in, but prepare yourself to see one of the following stories appear on this blog within the next week or so.
United Sign Third-World All-Star to Contract. D.C. United filled a hole in their lineup today by signing Kazakh/Bhutanese/Bulungian striker (Name Unpronounceable). (Name Unpronounceable) has scored 94 goals in 110 appearances for his national side, including a recent hat trick against Solomon Islands/Vatican City/That Floating Libertarian Country Started by the PayPal Guy as his country attempts to qualify for the 2026 World Cup. United lured the star away from his hometown squad by offering an unprecedented cash/foodstuffs/livestock payment of 270 Damcyan/50 goats/anything that doesn’t inflate at a rate of 500 percent per day. “We’re excited to have (Name Unpronounceable) on the squad,” said D.C. United Coach Ben Olsen. “We need a veteran presence on this squad, and nobody’s more of a veteran than him...he’s been a soldier since he was nine.”
United Sign Guy Who Used to be Somebody to Contract. D.C. United wedged the ever-fattening frame of a presumed-retired former star into a hole in their lineup today by signing (Guy Whose Name Evokes Memories of Crystal Pepsi and C&C Music Factory). (Guy Whose Name Evokes...) enjoyed a stint at AC Milan/Bayern Munich/Boca Juniors in the early ‘90s/late ‘80s/Bronze Age and scored two goals for his country in the 1998/1994/1990 World Cup. Most recently, he is coming off a stint with Scunthorpe United/Al-Ahly Doha/Pyongyang FC, from which he was released after an incident in which he kicked a(n) bag of cones/suckling pig/intern at his coach/Robbie Fowler/another intern during practice/the King’s yacht party/the Military Foundation Day charity match. “We’re happy to have (Guy Whose Name Evokes...) on the squad,” said D.C. United Coach Ben Olsen. “I’ll never forget where I was when he scored that amazing goal in the Champions League: I was in my father’s loins.”
United Sign Young Player Who Apparently Has a Terrible Agent to Contract. D.C. United scored a major coup today, signing 18/19/20-year-old foreign prospect (Guy Who Shreds Defenses and Weighs Like 90 Pounds). (Guy Who Shreds...) scored 15 goals in 20 appearances for his country’s U-20 squad, and spurned offers to play with AS Roma/Schalke 04/Fiorentina’s youth team at the advice of his uncle/brother/priest, who is also his agent. Long presumed unavailable, a recent buyout/anti-drug operation/volcano urged his hometown team to sell. “We’re thrilled to have (Guy Who Shreds...) on the squad,” said D.C. United Coach Ben Olsen. “I guess the improving quality of MLS plus D.C. United’s storied tradition really appealed to him. Also I think his girlfriend lives here or something. Maybe he wants to go to college? I don’t know — who cares. He has a contract and he can’t get out of it.”
United Sign Supreme Disappointment to Contract. After months of speculation, D.C. United massively disappointed their fans by signing (Unappealing Retread Striker) to a contract. During his first stint in MLS, (Unappealing Retread Striker) scored three goals in 36/48/seemed like a jillion appearances for San Jose/Columbus/Tampa Bay. More recently, he revitalized his career by being named Most Valuable Player of the American Indoor Soccer/Beach Soccer/Crab Soccer League. “We have (Unappealing Retread Striker) on the squad,” said D.C. United Coach Ben Olsen. “If needed, he can come in and be an eleventh player. He owns his own shin guards. He has excellent penmanship.”