Letterman, Leno and O’Brien get in on royal baby jokes late-night

July 23, 2013

Naturally, the late night hosts had a field day in their monologues with the news that the royal baby had finally arrived, so get ready for lots of jokes about the double meanings of “labor” and “pounds.” The real question: Were any of them actually funny?

Craig Ferguson, on “Late Late Show”:

“The royal family, of course, are delighted about this news. Prince Harry popped open some champagne and danced naked around the palace. Then he heard about the baby!”
“Prince Charles said what any proud new Grandfather would say,  ‘Back of the line, junior.  Drink your juice, Mother.’”

“Now, there were just very few people actually in the room for the birth. Just Prince William, of course, the father…Kate Middleton’s mother…and Neil Patrick Harris, I believe was there. Yeah well, he does the Tonys, the Emmys, the Royal Birth. He’s there! And you know what?  He makes it better!”

David Letterman on “Late Show”:

“Welcome to the program, ladies and gentlemen, I’m Dave Letterman. Or, as the staff likes to call me ‘the royal baby.’”

“Congratulations to Kate Middleton and Prince William. They’re the proud parents of a brand new baby boy. This really is big, big news. I mean, if the year was 1250, then it would be big news.”

“They named the boy Festus! No, I don’t know. No idea. The baby will be third in line to the pretend crown.”

Jay Leno, on “The Tonight Show”:

“Can you believe the media coverage?  You’d think it was Kim Kardashian and Kanye West having the kid.  It was unbelievable.”

“They kept saying on the news, ‘The royal couple welcomes a baby boy.’ Well, I hope so!  Do people sometimes give the kid the cold shoulder? ‘Take it away! Take it away! I can’t be bothered with such things.’”

“I’ve been reading a lot about this royal baby; experts say there is a good chance that this kid could be toilet trained before Justin Bieber.”

Conan O’Brien on “Conan”:
“The royal baby was born today. But don’t worry, America — we still have Honey Boo Boo.”
“Bookies say the odds are 11:2 that the royal baby will be named “George” after his great-great grandfather, King George VI. And the odds are 100:1 that he will be named “George” after the George Foreman grill.”
“Kate Middleton had her baby. The royal baby is 8 pounds, but you can’t really put a price on a child.”
John Oliver, on “The Daily Show”:
[Shows CNN clip of anchor saying, "This is how brilliant a royal Kate is. There are women throughout British royal family history that have panicked over not being able to deliver a boy. And here we are, Kate did it first time."] John: “What? What? ….What would your response have been if it had been a girl? Damnation upon your cursed womb, Catherine! Burn the princess! For she hath produced a baby of the weaker sex, burn them both, burn them!”
Stephen Colbert, on “The Colbert Report”:
“There is a royal baby!  And the world is in the grips of postpartum jubilation.”
“Folks, with all the depressing stories out there that I have to report night after night, it is refreshing once in a while to be able to tell you the uplifting story that the idle rich can procreate.”
“Still, no word on the baby’s name. I’m sure they’ll have some sort of web contest to name the baby. I want Stephen Colb-ince the Prince.”

Jimmy Fallon, on “Late Night”:

“Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Did you guys hear? It finally happened! Kate Middleton gave birth to a baby boy today! Yep, the baby weighed about eight pounds, then Americans were like, ‘How much is that in dollars?’”

“That’s right, Kate Middleton went into labor this morning in London. When the rest of the Royal Family heard, they were like, ‘Oh my God — what’s ‘labor’?’”

More royal baby news:
The royal baby: A bouncing bundle of international obsession

Duchess of Cambridge gives birth to a boy

Royal baby FAQs answered as Duchess of Cambridge labor is announced

Royal baby name generator

Graphic: Royal family tree

Emily Yahr covers pop culture and entertainment for the Post. Follow her on Twitter @EmilyYahr.
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Emily Yahr · July 23, 2013