ATTN: Prince William speaks for the first time since the birth of Prince George

August 19, 2013

Feels like only yesterday there was literally nothing to report on except the way Waity Katie was keeping us all waiting. Yet finally, Prince George Alexander Louis was held aloft before the masses by a trembling, ecstatic Rafiki, as “The Circle of Life” played in the background.

Since that fateful day, a shroud of silence has surrounded the royal couple of Jay Z and Beyonce Will and Kate. “What are they thinking???” we all wondered.

Early Monday morning we finally heard from the chosen ones: the TV critics/recappers who got screeners of “Breaking Bad” and therefore could post their recaps by the dawn’s early light–and also from Prince Will when he was interviewed by CNN.

Days ago, Will referred to his son as “pretty loud and, of course, extremely good-looking.” This morning, he reiterated as such to CNN: “As any new parent knows, you’re only too happy to show off your new child and, you know, proclaim that he is the best looking or the best everything.”

Ha! Ha. Don’t you love when the famouses try to get down in that diaper-changing dirt with the rest of us lowly mortals? Like when POTUS and FLOTUS talk about Sasha’s homework or getting Malia to eat her vegetables? Har de har har, you one-percenters! You got us! I like to think that there’s some “Normal Person Translator” who goes through the royals’s speeches and makes appropriate edits. Like Will busts out his quill and ink and scrawls on parchment a rough draft that says: “Obviously the Official Tear Licker of the British Isles is responsible for quieting my son when he cries; whenever Georgie weeps, the OTLOTBI (not to be confused with OITNB) carefully catches those falling drops of salt water on her tongue, cherishing each and every taste.” And then the designated Normal Person Translator has to be the person who sits Will down and explains How We Do Things Here. Will is like, “What are these “tissues” of which you speak?” And the Normal Person Translator shakes his head in dismay.

More interview highlights! Inquiring minds who wanted to know: Yes, Will practiced that whole car seat maneuver. Didn’t want to mess it up on the big day. Apparently “fathers around the planet will be cursing [him] for doing it so easily.” I wouldn’t have known this so parents, please weigh in: Is carrying a car seat difficult? We are talking about a gent who has military training. We’re not exactly talking about someone who should lack the basic motor skills required to carry a car seat, open a car door, and strap the aforementioned car seat into the back of the automobile. Are we? Discuss.

Anyway, Will insisted on driving his wife and son away from the hospital: “I think driving your son and your wife away from the hospital was really important to me. And I don’t like fuss, so it’s much easier to just do it yourself.” He doesn’t like fuss. You heard it here first. All those Royal Wedding parties you threw? He’s not into it. This blog post? UGH THE FUSS STOP THE FUSS.

"Isn't this the happiest day of your life?" asked Kate. Will just shook his head. "This fuss, Catherine. It's all too much for me."
“Isn’t this the happiest day of your life?” asked Kate. Will just shook his head. “This fuss, Catherine. It’s all too much for me.” (Photo: Dominic Lipinski/AP)

Will says his son is “a little bit of a rascal.” Very much looking forward to the day George founds the newest chapter of the He-Man Woman Haters Club!

PSA: Will changed the first “nappy,” which is British for “diaper.” Think about it: he looked around at all the midwives and whatnot and everybody was like, “It’s all you, man.” And he did it, yes siree, he just rolled up those sleeves and like many a father before him, he changed that infant diaper.  Will brought up the diaper thing again at the end of the interview, suggesting this was sort of a traumatizing experience for him. Rough life, Will. Just remember: Keep Calm and Carry On Changing Diapers.

Now on to the most important thing: how does this birth affect Lupo, the dog? “He’s been slobbering sort of around the house a bit, so he’s perfectly happy.” There you have it. Slobber. Diaper changing. All is just nappies and naptime at the royal residence.

“Prince William’s Passion: New Father, New Hope” premieres on CNN on Sept. 15 at 10:00 p.m. ET.

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Veronica Toney | August 19, 2013