Tila Tequila said insane things about coming interstellar wars and conspiracy theories this week. Let’s try to interpret.

December 13, 2013

Tila Tequila, erstwhile reality star, model and self-destructive exhibitionist, once again bulldozed her way into the limelight this week with a series of paranoid Facebook rants about Nazis, Paul Walker’s death and her descent from a mystical star-people called Lyrans.

The rants are nothing new for Tila, whose official blog bears the ominous name “Anonymous Truth.” But the level of attention certainly is — Tila’s name actually trended on Twitter for much of Tuesday morning, right up there with “Mandela” and “South Africa.” That may have something to do with the fact that watching celebrities or semi-celebrities implode on social media has become something of a spectator sport these days, and not always a very fair one. (We all remember Amanda Bynes, right?)

But Tequila’s claims are a special kind of explosive, a bizarre cocktail of the biggest fringe conspiracy theories and occult movements of the past several years. In a nutshell, she believes that: 1) She is descended from an alien race who came from the stars; 2) she is an angel, a queen, and possibly the latest iteration of the Egyptian goddess Isis; 3) she can travel through time and space and has, in the process, fallen in love with Nicola Tesla; 4) humanity is controlled by a “New World Order” composed of Illuminati, Satanists, Zionists and lizard-people; 5) this NWO has succeeded in engineering and covering up just about everything you think you know, including World War II, 9/11 and Paul Walker’s death; 6) a judgment day/reckoning/space battle is coming, in which Tila and her kind will fight the NWO to save the human race; 7) all of Tila’s Facebook haters, a.k.a. brainwashed propagandists, will perish in the battle.

This is, as many people have pointed out, utterly crazy. It’s also, as when Tila suggests Hitler was “a man of compassion,” extremely offensive and vile. But the craziest and most offensive part of the whole thing is that Tila is actually speaking for a large coalition of people — an entire ragtag Internet crew of truthers and occultists and NWO-fighters who have spent years carving out online niches much quieter, but no less explosive, than Tila’s.

We’ll leave the speculation on the sanity of those claims, and of Tila herself, to people like the Daily Dot’s Audra Schroeder, who wrote a great post on that subject Tuesday. But let’s talk for a minute about where these ideas actually come from, with the help of some of Tila’s recent posts. (This should hopefully be clear, but in the event it’s not: Tila’s writing is in bold; mine is not.)

Dec. 9, 4:55 p.m.
“Let me tell you a really quick story that will probably make zero sense to you whatsoever but here goes: So in the future there is going to be a huge war for Earth Empire between the Aeon Illuminati, The Earth Soldiers, The Supreme Seraphim, and the Cyborg Faction.”

This bit of prophesying appears to be a Tila original, cobbled together from disparate strains of occultism and (possibly!) a computer game called “Supreme Commander: Forged Alliance,” though that is hard to say.

According to Thelema, a mythology-infused religion founded by 19th-century English occultist Aleister Crowley, history is divided into a series of spiritual periods — aeons — and the one we’re in now could end in “destruction.” The Illuminati was a secret society thought to have perished in the 18th century, but is dredged up frequently by modern conspiracy theorists, who believe the group is behind the scenes of just about everything, manipulating a New World Order (NWO) to their personal benefit.

“Supreme Seraphim,” meanwhile are “the highest of the seven revealed orders of local universe angels,” according to the obscure “Urantia Book,” a sort of New Age Judeo-Christian spin-off that fervently insists it is not a cult.

It’s unclear what a “Cyborg Faction” is, besides a type of team in the “highly addicting” massive multiplayer game Sigmastorm. In science fiction, a cyborg is a creature with both natural and artifical parts. Onward!

“Seeing how I am Supreme Seraphim I will say we will become allies with mankind’s Earth Army to help them even tho we left this battle a long time ago because Earth was so [messed] up, but we will return to help Earth Soldiers.”

This part is a bit confusing, because according to the Book of Urantia, the seraphim are fairly active in watching over humans and meddling in their affairs. They also run a sort of angelic court and “training institutions” in various universes, though it’s unclear if humans get to attend.

Also, Aeon Illuminati started off good and was under the Supreme Seraphim, but over time they have forgotten our teachings and rebelled as they became corrupt.

This may also be a Tila Original, though the conviction that the Illuminati are a force for Satan — who, according to Judeo-Christian theology, did indeed start out as an angel — is a common one among conspiracy theorists.

As for the cyborgs…. well that’s going to be a tough one as they are of course…. the future robots. Think terminator but even bigger. That is all. To be continued…..

“The Terminator” was a 1984 sci-fi film famously starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. (That one was easy.)

Dec. 9, 8:02 a.m.
People, people, please listen with an open heart and mind because so many of you are filled with HATRED that it has BLINDED you from the TRUTH THAT GOD HAS TRIED TO SHOW YOU OVER & OVER YET YOU REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT! Yet you still pray and ask for God’s forgiveness when you are SO VILE and UNFORGIVING towards others?

How God fits into Tila’s schema of the universe is unclear, but the Urantia Book — first publicized by a group of ministers from the United Church of Christ — advances “an integrated, holistic view of the universe,” in which God and millions of populated planets coincide.

I never said I hated anyone, but just because I [feel] sympathy, compassion, and forgiveness for others such as Hitler means I am now a monster? All for trying to open your eyes to the truth that Hitler was NOT as bad as he was painted out to be?….

This issue, more than any other, is responsible for Tila’s recent return to the limelight: She’s penning a series of blog posts on her recent “epiphany” that the NWO somehow convinced the world that Hitler did things he didn’t. This is, tragically and ahistorically, a common conviction among conspiracy theorists and Holocaust deniers. In fact, they often serve up the same misconstrued “proof” as Tila did in one of her blog posts: a newspaper front page with the headline “Judea Declares War on Germany.” The article is actually about a boycott of German goods, but deniers have long spun it to imply that Hitler was not an aggressor in World War II.

You complain about wanting to see change in this world yet YOU STILL ACT LIKE BARBARIANS!!!! I despise the humans. God tells me to take it easy on them… but I despise most of them to be perfectly honest.

Dec. 9, 8:31 p.m.
A the true enlightened beings who have returned to this planet to try to help mankind. We see that you are still not ready for positive changes yet. Look at your barbaric behavior. You scream you want change, yet you have not changed one bit for thousands of years, and for that I shall halt on trying to teach you the ways of the true Enlightened beings. I am from Sirius B and of Lyran descent.

This idea that aliens somehow started the human race — or at least supplied a few pro tips on things like agriculture and pyramids — is more popular that you might think. Zecharia Sitchin’s “12th Planet,” an account of the “mysterious planet Nibiru” and how its astronauts manipulated mankind, is Amazon’s 25th most-popular book on early civilizations. Sirius B falls into the same general theory; Lyrans, meanwhile, are believed to be a “race of humanoids” from the vicinity of the constellation Lyra, who occasionally surface to help lowly earthlings achieve enlightenment.

When you Earthlings are ready for true positive change then you need to be that change before any of the gods return to help you any further. We have been watching for a very, very long time. My council says that you are not ready yet and I must agree. Very few will make it past this Luciferian soul harvest. ……

It’s impossible to say why Tila appealed to “God” before and “gods” now; likewise, it’s hard to tell what this “council” is, though the Book of Urantia preaches a council of angels. In either case, the “Luciferian soul harvest” sounds awfully reminiscent of the “ascension,” when Earth moves into a new aeon and the forces of Tila/angels/aliens face off against evil.

Fortunately, for the doubters among us, the next prophesied date for the start of the new age isn’t until 2020. So we’ve got a few more years to figure out what exactly is going on.

Caitlin Dewey runs The Intersect blog, writing about digital and Internet culture. Before joining the Post, she was an associate online editor at Kiplinger’s Personal Finance.
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