Want to see the transcript for the Joe Biden-Selena Meyer skit at the White House Correspondents Dinner? Here it is.

This post has been updated.

At the White House Correspondents' Dinner on Saturday, TV D.C. and #thistown collided — fictional first ladies and their muses were all seen in the same room and multiple White House staffs mingled in hallways. The most amusing mash-up of politics real and imaginary was in HBO's seven-minute video of Vice President Biden and "Veep's" Vice President Selina Meyer — more commonly known as Julia Louis-Drefyus — playing hooky around the capital while everyone else was making the rounds at the Washington Hilton. 

The transcript for the video, provided to The Washington Post by HBO, is equally entertaining. Read below for many mentions to Biden's aviators, instructions for how to draw on a photo of Chuck Todd and tips for how to transform your office space into a replica of a Washington Post office (to be honest, that part of the script could use some workshopping).

Source: HBO

INT. EISENHOWER EOB - SELINA’S OFFICE - EVENING

SELINA is sitting at her desk, bored. She starts drawing on Chuck Todd’s face

There is a NAME BADGE on her desk that reads “Vice President Selina Meyer.” She’s putting her thumb over the word “Vice” so that it reads "President." She smiles at the thought, then takes her thumb off.

Selina‘s PHONE rings.

SELINA

Hello?

The VICE PRESIDENT is on his cell phone. He is wearing his LEATHER JACKET. He puts on a pair of AVIATOR GLASSES. He looks cool.

We intercut between SELINA at the EEOB and the VICE PRESIDENT.

VICE PRESIDENT

Selina! What are you doing?

SELINA (disappointed)

Ugh, I was thought you were the President. What’re you up to?

VICE PRESIDENT

I’m in an undisclosed location.

SELINA has a PHOTO OF CHUCK TODD and is scribbling on it with a black marker pen.

SELINA


Hey, are you going to the Snorespondents dinner?

VICE PRESIDENT


No, I went once. Who wants to see politicians trying to explain politics to Hollywood?

SELINA
 

I mean who wants to see David Gregory crying in a corner all evening. Actually I wouldn't mind seeing that.

SELINA 

Hey do you to come and pick me up...

We hear the 'beep beep' of a car horn outside her window. There is the VICE PRESIDENT in his CAR.

CUT TO:

EXT. EISENHOWER - SELINA’S OFFICE - EVENING (CONTINUOUS)

The VICE PRESIDENT is sitting in a yellow, 2014 drop top CORVETTE, still in his leather jacket and aviators.

SELINA


What the hell are you doing. Yellow seriously yellow?

VICE PRESIDENT

Hey come on.

 

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - EVENING (CONTINUOUS)

CUT TO:

The VICE PRESIDENT and SELINA sneak up to the WEST WING EXECUTIVE DRIVE LOBBY DOOR. They try the door, it doesn’t open.

 

SELINA

This is the West Wing

SELINA (disappointed)

Ach. Locked.

VICE PRESIDENT

Is anyone LOOKING.?

They both look round.

SELINA

Oh Its locked.!

The VICE PRESIDENT goes over to a FLOWER POT, lifts it up, gets the SPARE KEY. He opens the door.

CUT TO:

INT. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE - EVENING

SELINA rushes towards the desk.

 

VICE PRESIDENT

Wow don't touch the desk don't touch the desk.

SELINA

Oh, There are no corners, there is not one single corner.

VICE PRESIDENT

Oval Oval. Come one lemme show you over here.  That’s where the president sits. This is where I sit. Same exact chair. One big difference a lot of power in that chair.

Selina

You got that right.

VICE PRESIDENT

Come on are you hungry?

SELINA

Yea

VICE PRESIDENT

Let’s go get something to eat.

As the Vice President leads her out, SELINA quickly pulls out HER BOOK from her PURSE “Some New Beginnings: Our Next American Journey” and slides into the President’s book collection.

 

INT. WHITE HOUSE RESIDENCE KITCHEN -

The VICE PRESIDENT and SELINA are sharing a HUGE TUB OF ICE CREAM and are leaning against the counter, digging it out with SPOONS.

VICE PRESIDENT

Ooh this is good. my granddaughters like the sprinkles.

SELINA 

Oooohhh, yeah. This is the sweetest thing you can get in the executive branch.

We see FLOTUS appear at the door of the kitchen.

FIRST LADY

Hey Guys (suspicious) what are you guys doing?

Cut back to SELINA and the VICE PRESIDENT, who have hidden the ice cream behind their backs. Selina has cream round her mouth.

VICE PRESIDENT

Nothing.

SELINA

Nothing.

FIRST LADY

What’s in your mouth?

SELINA (mouth full)

Nothing.

FIRST LADY

Nothing??

SELINA (meekly)

Carrots?

VICE PRESIDENT

Please don’t tell Jill.

FIRST LADY


Have you not listened to a word I've been saying about healthy eating? Hand it over.

SELINA and THE VICE PRESIDENT reluctantly hand over the tub of ice cream.

FIRST LADY (CONT’D) (indicating the door with her thumb)

Come on. Let's move!

Handed over. The VICE PRESIDENT and SELINA reluctantly slink out.

SELINA 
(to the Vice President)

Busted. Oh wait...

Selina stops.

SELINA re-enters.

SELINA (CONT’D)

I left my purse, so-

She catches sight of the FIRST LADY who is now eating the ice cream. She looks very guilty.

FIRST LADY

There are raisins in here. That’s fruit. Plus, It’s more than you get at the correspondents dinner.

SELINA

I hear you.

FIRST LADY

Plus I work out, every day.

SELINA


Sure you do. I do too.

FIRST LADY (smiling)

You Wanna arm wrestle?

SELINA 


I don't really work out.

FIRST LADY

Yea, I didn't think so.

 

EXT. WASHINGTON STREETS - NIGHT
 Shots of Joe and Selina driving round DC at night.

SELINA


Where are we off to next?

VICE PRESIDENT

To the real seat of power.

INT. NEWSPAPER OFFICE - EVENING

A deserted newspaper office (actually Kendra’s office). The VICE PRESIDENT and SELINA are creeping in.

We see a SIGN on the wall: ‘WASHINGTON POST / AMAZON’ They find an open newspaper template on a COMPUTER.

SELINA


We can write any headlines we like.

Vice President

Knock yourself out!

CUT TO:

Selina turns to the camera a la Kevin Spacey in “HOUSE OF CARDS”.

SELINA (CONT'D) (southern accent)

The headline I’d like to write is “Selina Meyer Sworn In As President,” but all in good time. Oh yes, we can all look directly into the camera, Kevin. The point is, you’re not supposed to. Now if I could just find a young reporter to bang and throw under a train, we’d be in business.

VICE PRESIDENT 

Who the hell you talking to?

SELINA

Don't worry about it.

Selina starts writing a headline into the newspaper template and we see a spinning front page.

WASHINGTON POST: Biden is Riden’ High - approval ratings of 200%

POLITICO: “Extremely attractive VP, Biden, creates nine million jobs. America elated.”

THE HILL: “Biden real brains of the operation, Obama discloses.”

VP and Selina slow walk with sunglasses

FOX NEWS: Headline over a picture of O’Reilly, Hannity, Megyn Kelly et al - “We Surrender”.

INT. TATTOO PARLOUR - EVENING

CUT TO:

SELINA and the VICE PRESIDENT are standing in a tattoo parlour. They are talking to the TATTOOIST.

TATTOOIST

Anything I can help you with?

SELINA


Hey, can you show us some examples of work you’ve done?

TATTOOIST

Sure.

The TATTOOIST gets out a BOOK OF PHOTOS of people with tattoos.

TATTOOIST (CONT’D)

This is what  I did for Hillary Clinton’s.

We see a close-up PICTURE of a tattoo which read - ‘I HEART NEW HAMPSHIRE’

TATTOOIST (CONT’D)

This is Rush Limbaugh’s.

We see a close-up PICTURE of Rush Limbaugh's KNUCKLES. They are tattooed with ‘RIGHT’ and ‘RIGHT’.

TATTOOIST (CONT’D)

That’s what I did for Jeb Bush.

Sailor type tattoo of a HEART with ‘MOTHER’ written

Ted Cruz. right there….

Picture of a TATTOO of the CANADIAN MAPLE LEAF.

TATTOOIST

And this what I did for Rand Paul.

Picture of RAND PAUL'S WRIST tattooed with a CANNABIS LEAF.

VICE PRESIDENT 

Figures

Suddenly, SELINA notices someone.

SELINA

Hey, Nancy. What are you doing here?

Cut to reveal NANCY PELOSI, getting a tattoo.

NANCY


Hey Selina. Just getting a tattoo.

She shows them a TATTOO of a gavel which "Gavel Time." SELINA turns back to the VICE PRESIDENT and pulls a face.

NANCY (CONT’D)


Hey, you know what the difference is between a tattoo and the Koch brothers? It’s painful but you can remove a tattoo.

SELINA  

Alright Let’s do it.

VICE PRESIDENT

Let’s do it.

SELINA and THE VICE PRESIDENT sit in their chairs.


JUMP CUT TO:

INT. TATTOO PARLOUR - EVENING

The VICE PRESIDENT and SELINA are still in their chairs. The tattooists are finishing their work. They turn around to reveal what tattoo they've got. They both have “45” on their arms.

They acknowledge each other like two fighters getting into the ring.

VICE PRESIDENT

Bring it on

SELINA

Yeah Bring it on.

CUT TO:

INT. NAVAL OBSERVATORY. CORVETTE - EVENING

The VICE PRESIDENT is sitting in his CORVETTE. HIP HOP MUSIC  is playing on the stereo. SELINA is next to the car, on the PHONE.

SELINA

Hey J-dog.

INT. BOEHNER’S OFFICE - NIGHT.

INTERCUT WITH:

BOEHNER is in his office.  His PHONE starts vibrating - we see a funny PHOTO OF SELINA pop up. He picks up the phone.

BOEHNER

Hey gurl.

SELINA


Are you going to this Correspondent's dinner thing tonight?

BOEHNER  


Hell no, I’m not going there. I have very important things going on here at the Capital.

CUT TO:

Wide shot OF BOEHNER watching a Panda eating.

INT. NAVAL OBSERVATORY - EVENING Selina gets in the car.

SELINA

Yeah, I don’t. (hangs up) You know what Joe? I’m going to the dinner.

He looks at her.

SELINA (CONT’D)


You see - I’m not really the VP. You are. I’m an actress from Hollywood.

VICE PRESIDENT

I know that.

SELINA
 

Can you give me a ride?

The VICE PRESIDENT starts the CAR and drives. About 20 yards, to the gate of the Naval Observatory. The car stops.

SELINA (CONT’D) What? Why have we stopped?

CUT TO:

VICE PRESIDENT

Secret Service won't let me drive this car off the property.  You get a cab.

JULIA
 gets out of the car JULIA pulls out a DRESS. She gets out of the car and shakes her real hair with a huge smile.

JULIA

Plus this hair.

The VICE PRESIDENT puts on his shades, turns up the music and zooms off. Selina throws her dress bag over the fence to get out, throwing her bag and climbs the fence.

FINAL CARD 

No public servants were injured in the making of this film. We are pretty sure.

Correction: An earlier version of this post referenced the script for the HBO video. This is the transcript. A different script was used prior to the taping.

Jaime Fuller reports on national politics for "The Fix" and Post Politics. She worked previously as an associate editor at the American Prospect, a political magazine based in Washington, D.C.
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