This post has been updated.
At the White House Correspondents' Dinner on Saturday, TV D.C. and #thistown collided — fictional first ladies and their muses were all seen in the same room and multiple White House staffs mingled in hallways. The most amusing mash-up of politics real and imaginary was in HBO's seven-minute video of Vice President Biden and "Veep's" Vice President Selina Meyer — more commonly known as Julia Louis-Drefyus — playing hooky around the capital while everyone else was making the rounds at the Washington Hilton.
The transcript for the video, provided to The Washington Post by HBO, is equally entertaining. Read below for many mentions to Biden's aviators, instructions for how to draw on a photo of Chuck Todd and tips for how to transform your office space into a replica of a Washington Post office (to be honest, that part of the script could use some workshopping).
INT. EISENHOWER EOB - SELINA’S OFFICE - EVENING
SELINA is sitting at her desk, bored. She starts drawing on Chuck Todd’s face
There is a NAME BADGE on her desk that reads “Vice President Selina Meyer.” She’s putting her thumb over the word “Vice” so that it reads "President." She smiles at the thought, then takes her thumb off.
Selina‘s PHONE rings.
The VICE PRESIDENT is on his cell phone. He is wearing his LEATHER JACKET. He puts on a pair of AVIATOR GLASSES. He looks cool.
We intercut between SELINA at the EEOB and the VICE PRESIDENT.
Selina! What are you doing?
Ugh, I was thought you were the President. What’re you up to?
I’m in an undisclosed location.
SELINA has a PHOTO OF CHUCK TODD and is scribbling on it with a black marker pen.
Hey, are you going to the Snorespondents dinner?
No, I went once. Who wants to see politicians trying to explain politics to Hollywood?
I mean who wants to see David Gregory crying in a corner all evening. Actually I wouldn't mind seeing that.
Hey do you to come and pick me up...
We hear the 'beep beep' of a car horn outside her window. There is the VICE PRESIDENT in his CAR.
EXT. EISENHOWER - SELINA’S OFFICE - EVENING (CONTINUOUS)
The VICE PRESIDENT is sitting in a yellow, 2014 drop top CORVETTE, still in his leather jacket and aviators.
What the hell are you doing. Yellow seriously yellow?
Hey come on.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - EVENING (CONTINUOUS)
The VICE PRESIDENT and SELINA sneak up to the WEST WING EXECUTIVE DRIVE LOBBY DOOR. They try the door, it doesn’t open.
This is the West Wing
Is anyone LOOKING.?
They both look round.
Oh Its locked.!
The VICE PRESIDENT goes over to a FLOWER POT, lifts it up, gets the SPARE KEY. He opens the door.
INT. WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE - EVENING
SELINA rushes towards the desk.
Wow don't touch the desk don't touch the desk.
Oh, There are no corners, there is not one single corner.
Oval Oval. Come one lemme show you over here. That’s where the president sits. This is where I sit. Same exact chair. One big difference a lot of power in that chair.
You got that right.
Come on are you hungry?
Let’s go get something to eat.
As the Vice President leads her out, SELINA quickly pulls out HER BOOK from her PURSE “Some New Beginnings: Our Next American Journey” and slides into the President’s book collection.
INT. WHITE HOUSE RESIDENCE KITCHEN -
The VICE PRESIDENT and SELINA are sharing a HUGE TUB OF ICE CREAM and are leaning against the counter, digging it out with SPOONS.
Ooh this is good. my granddaughters like the sprinkles.
Oooohhh, yeah. This is the sweetest thing you can get in the executive branch.
We see FLOTUS appear at the door of the kitchen.
Hey Guys (suspicious) what are you guys doing?
Cut back to SELINA and the VICE PRESIDENT, who have hidden the ice cream behind their backs. Selina has cream round her mouth.
What’s in your mouth?
SELINA (mouth full)
Please don’t tell Jill.
Have you not listened to a word I've been saying about healthy eating? Hand it over.
SELINA and THE VICE PRESIDENT reluctantly hand over the tub of ice cream.
FIRST LADY (CONT’D) (indicating the door with her thumb)
Come on. Let's move!
Handed over. The VICE PRESIDENT and SELINA reluctantly slink out.
SELINA (to the Vice President)
Busted. Oh wait...
I left my purse, so-
She catches sight of the FIRST LADY who is now eating the ice cream. She looks very guilty.
There are raisins in here. That’s fruit. Plus, It’s more than you get at the correspondents dinner.
I hear you.
Plus I work out, every day.
Sure you do. I do too.
FIRST LADY (smiling)
You Wanna arm wrestle?
I don't really work out.
Yea, I didn't think so.
EXT. WASHINGTON STREETS - NIGHT Shots of Joe and Selina driving round DC at night.
Where are we off to next?
To the real seat of power.
INT. NEWSPAPER OFFICE - EVENING
A deserted newspaper office (actually Kendra’s office). The VICE PRESIDENT and SELINA are creeping in.
We see a SIGN on the wall: ‘WASHINGTON POST / AMAZON’ They find an open newspaper template on a COMPUTER.
We can write any headlines we like.
Knock yourself out!
Selina turns to the camera a la Kevin Spacey in “HOUSE OF CARDS”.
SELINA (CONT'D) (southern accent)
The headline I’d like to write is “Selina Meyer Sworn In As President,” but all in good time. Oh yes, we can all look directly into the camera, Kevin. The point is, you’re not supposed to. Now if I could just find a young reporter to bang and throw under a train, we’d be in business.
Who the hell you talking to?
Don't worry about it.
Selina starts writing a headline into the newspaper template and we see a spinning front page.
WASHINGTON POST: Biden is Riden’ High - approval ratings of 200%
POLITICO: “Extremely attractive VP, Biden, creates nine million jobs. America elated.”
THE HILL: “Biden real brains of the operation, Obama discloses.”
VP and Selina slow walk with sunglasses
FOX NEWS: Headline over a picture of O’Reilly, Hannity, Megyn Kelly et al - “We Surrender”.
INT. TATTOO PARLOUR - EVENING
SELINA and the VICE PRESIDENT are standing in a tattoo parlour. They are talking to the TATTOOIST.
Anything I can help you with?
Hey, can you show us some examples of work you’ve done?
The TATTOOIST gets out a BOOK OF PHOTOS of people with tattoos.
This is what I did for Hillary Clinton’s.
We see a close-up PICTURE of a tattoo which read - ‘I HEART NEW HAMPSHIRE’
This is Rush Limbaugh’s.
We see a close-up PICTURE of Rush Limbaugh's KNUCKLES. They are tattooed with ‘RIGHT’ and ‘RIGHT’.
That’s what I did for Jeb Bush.
Sailor type tattoo of a HEART with ‘MOTHER’ written
Ted Cruz. right there….
Picture of a TATTOO of the CANADIAN MAPLE LEAF.
And this what I did for Rand Paul.
Picture of RAND PAUL'S WRIST tattooed with a CANNABIS LEAF.
Suddenly, SELINA notices someone.
Hey, Nancy. What are you doing here?
Cut to reveal NANCY PELOSI, getting a tattoo.
Hey Selina. Just getting a tattoo.
She shows them a TATTOO of a gavel which "Gavel Time." SELINA turns back to the VICE PRESIDENT and pulls a face.
Hey, you know what the difference is between a tattoo and the Koch brothers? It’s painful but you can remove a tattoo.
Alright Let’s do it.
Let’s do it.
SELINA and THE VICE PRESIDENT sit in their chairs.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. TATTOO PARLOUR - EVENING
The VICE PRESIDENT and SELINA are still in their chairs. The tattooists are finishing their work. They turn around to reveal what tattoo they've got. They both have “45” on their arms.
They acknowledge each other like two fighters getting into the ring.
Bring it on
Yeah Bring it on.
INT. NAVAL OBSERVATORY. CORVETTE - EVENING
The VICE PRESIDENT is sitting in his CORVETTE. HIP HOP MUSIC is playing on the stereo. SELINA is next to the car, on the PHONE.
INT. BOEHNER’S OFFICE - NIGHT.
BOEHNER is in his office. His PHONE starts vibrating - we see a funny PHOTO OF SELINA pop up. He picks up the phone.
Are you going to this Correspondent's dinner thing tonight?
Hell no, I’m not going there. I have very important things going on here at the Capital.
Wide shot OF BOEHNER watching a Panda eating.
INT. NAVAL OBSERVATORY - EVENING Selina gets in the car.
Yeah, I don’t. (hangs up) You know what Joe? I’m going to the dinner.
He looks at her.
You see - I’m not really the VP. You are. I’m an actress from Hollywood.
I know that.
Can you give me a ride?
The VICE PRESIDENT starts the CAR and drives. About 20 yards, to the gate of the Naval Observatory. The car stops.
SELINA (CONT’D) What? Why have we stopped?
Secret Service won't let me drive this car off the property. You get a cab.
JULIA gets out of the car JULIA pulls out a DRESS. She gets out of the car and shakes her real hair with a huge smile.
Plus this hair.
The VICE PRESIDENT puts on his shades, turns up the music and zooms off. Selina throws her dress bag over the fence to get out, throwing her bag and climbs the fence.
No public servants were injured in the making of this film. We are pretty sure.
Correction: An earlier version of this post referenced the script for the HBO video. This is the transcript. A different script was used prior to the taping.