Keith Ablow is right: The World Cup is a plot to distract America from President Obama’s scandals

Fox News contributor Dr. Keith Ablow sees things that normal men might not.

In an appearance on Fox's "Outnumbered" on Thursday, as the United States and Germany were closing out their group play in the World Cup, Ablow raised an eyebrow at the event's suspiciously convenient timing. And when Keith Ablow -- longtime pundit, medical doctor, best-selling author,  Newt Gingrich advocate -- raises an eyebrow, you're well-advised to check out what he's looking at.

"Why, at a time when there are so many national and international issues of such prominence, I'm a little suspicious of yet another bread-and-circus routine," Ablow said. "Let's roll out the marijuana, pull back the laws, and get people even more crazy about yet another entertainment event."

"This is a way to distract people," he continued. "I can see why Obama would love the World Cup."

Your first response might be: That is dumb. That is because you don't understand how deep this conspiracy goes.

Clearly, America is far too occupied with the World Cup to pay attention to things like the IRS scandal (487 mentions in the news over the past month, according to Nexis) or the deterioration of Iraq (388 mentions) or tension between Ukraine and Russia (1,008 mentions). Ask your average American about Iraq and they will say, "My understanding is that a group once affiliated with al Qaeda and empowered by the ongoing violence in Syria swept across the porous southern border of Iraq and, leveraging resentment among Sunni Muslims in the area, quickly routed Iraqi military forces and claimed ownership of several major cities." Which is embarrassingly wrong, because it was the northern border of Iraq.

And Ablow's tacit suggestion that Obama is involved is completely correct, if superficial in its understanding. Here's how it went down.

First, Obama and his advisors determined that June 2014 would be the time at which distracting the American public became critically important. Why June 2014 and not, say, June 2013 when the IRS scandal was kicking into gear and the Edward Snowden leaks first began? Why not September 2012, when the attack at Benghazi occurred? Why not 2011, when Solyndra went bankrupt? The answer is that all of those pale in comparison to the real threat, the huge dangerous terrifying thing which was covered extensively by media outlets but only during World Cup games.

Once they figured out that June 2014 was a problem, Obama's team had to work backward. Taking a lesson from Ancient Rome, as Ablow (who has probably seen the movie Gladiator like, 14 times) savvily pointed out, they realized that a grand spectacle of entertainment was exactly what they needed. You might think that Obama, as president of the United States, simply went to FIFA late last year and asked that they schedule games for the United States during that critical time period. But that misses a key factor: How could Obama have known that there would be an international soccer tournament that occurred in the summer of 2014?

The answer is simple: He helped create the World Cup itself.

The true reason that Barack Obama has never released a birth certificate that meets the exacting standards of evidentiary scientists like Jerome Corsi is that his birth certificates have been doctored to obscure not the place of his birth, but the date.

Barack Obama was born in Chicago, Illinois in 1871. (The great fire was also his fault, conspiracy theorists.) His political ambitions began immediately. In grade school he made two key friends that would stay with him throughout his life: David Axelrod (born 1874) and Jay Carney (1872). Within 20 years, Obama's ascent to power had been mapped out; within another 10, the trio realized the problems that awaited them this month.

That was when Axelrod came up with a plan: a soccer tournament. But you can't just create a spur-of-the-moment soccer tournament and expect people to care. It needs to be a tradition. And some newfangled, unknown group can't just create a tradition. So their first step was to found FIFA, the international body that regulates the sport around the world. Wikipedia will tell you that FIFA was founded in France in 1904 by Robert Guérin. Not quite. "Guérin" was the nom de plume used by a gentleman named Robert Gibbs, who was a few years behind Obama and his friends. As part of the plan, Gibbs was sent to Paris several years in advance to bolster his credentials as a sportsman.

From there it was simple. Let FIFA do its thing for a bit, building up a reputation and membership. Working backward from 2014, the group realized that 1930 would be the ideal start date, allowing for the interruption of World War II. (Which, we will note, was expected by them but not their fault.) The tournament began.

And the rest is history. Even now, as you walk down the street, you will see newspaper vendors desperately waving their wares under the noses of average citizens and those citizens ignoring them, rapt, the ESPN logo imprinting itself on their retinas in reverse. Keith Ablow has no idea how deep this thing goes.

Now, you may wonder why, if Obama and his cronies put this much effort into the distraction, they didn't simultaneously work to foster a more robust interest in soccer among Americans. And the answer is that soccer is dumb.

This entire thing is satire, of course, except that last line.

[Editor's note: Philip's ignorant anti-soccer views do not represent a broad consensus within Fixworld.]

Philip Bump writes about politics for The Fix. He previously wrote for The Wire, the news blog of The Atlantic magazine. He has contributed to The Daily Beast, The Atlantic, The Daily, and the Huffington Post. Philip is based in New York City.
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