Uruguayan soccer player Luis Suarez issued an apology Monday for biting Italy's Giorgio Chiellini at the World Cup. Like, a sort of apology.
My apologies to Chiellini: pic.twitter.com/CvfkkjxzlM
— Luis Suarez (@luis16suarez) June 30, 2014
Suarez says he took some time to "reflect about the reality" of the time he bit someone. "The truth is" that Chiellini "suffered the physical result of a bite in the collision he suffered with me." That, Suarez says, is the truth. We will note that the incident was the third time someone had suffered the physical result of a bite in collisions with Suarez, a description so tortured as to make calling it "passive" understated.
Anyway, it's funny, and it reminds us just a little of some of the tortured non-apology apologies offered by U.S. politicians, so we applied the same phrasing to some of the most famous apologies in American political history.
The former governor of South Carolina was caught in an extramarital affair with a woman from Argentina in 2009, temporarily derailing his political career.
After several days walking the Appalachian Trail, I have had the opportunity to regain my calm and reflect about the reality of what occurred. The truth is that my wife suffered the result of infidelity in the collision she suffered with the truth. I apologize to Jenny Sanford and the entire Sanford family.
Springer, then the mayor of Cincinnati, ran for governor of Ohio in 1982, hitting a roadblock when it became public that he had paid for a prostitute with a check nearly a decade prior.
The truth is that my temporary employee and colleague suffered the physical result of a collision with me. I apologize to Cincinnati and the entire Fifth Third Bank family.
In 1731, Franklin was criticized for printing unpopular opinions in the Pennsylvania Gazette.
I have had the opportunity to regain my calm and reflect about the reality of what occurred. The truth is that readers suffered the emotional result of being wrong in the collision they suffered with my paper. I deeply regret what occurred.
While competing with Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination in 2008, Biden praised his opponent for being "the first sort of mainstream African American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy."
The truth is that my colleague Barack Obama suffered the result of being insulted in a collision he suffered with my mouth. For this, I deeply regret what occurred and I vow that there will never again be another incident like.
While campaigning for reelection to the Senate in 2006, George Allen referred to a young man filming him for political opponents as "macaca" — a racially-loaded term.
I have had the opportunity to regain my calm and reflect about the reality of the campaign stop. The truth is that that kid suffered the emotional result of being called a racist name in a collision his ears suffered with some sound waves.
In 1998, Bill Clinton finally apologized for doing you-know-what with you-know-who. His actual apology wasn't that great, we'll note.
I have had the opportunity to regain my calm and reflect about the reality of what occurred in a hallway off the Oval Office. The truth is that my colleague, that woman ...
Actually, let's skip this one.