"Isn't that like tipping the plumber for fixing the toilet he blocked up in the first place?"
"There's 33 people killed in America with guns every single day of the year," Bloomberg said on "Late Night With Jimmy Fallon." "And nobody seems to care.
"It will be annoying when Obama presents his choice to the Senate, and they are like, 'Sorry, we don't take American Express.'"
"This is a very strategic move when it comes to our foreign policy. Obama plans to use Kerry; see, he will bore our enemies to death."
Jon Stewart reviewed the labor protest chants, then came up with his own.
"McCain teased you about the job you might get. You hit him with the failure of his life."
"It's 4 a.m. for our economy, and Lindsay Lohan is behind the wheel."
"Hey, Romney, what's up man? Hey, isn't it funny? You almost lived here."
"Three hundred eighty-six filibusters during Harry Reid's six years as majority leader. And given how little Congress works, some of that has to be Mitch McConnell stopping by Harry Reid's family dinners to block passage of the mashed potatoes."