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The Insiders
Posted at 09:00 AM ET, 03/06/2012

The candidates need neuralyzers

Let's do what most so-called campaign insiders do on Election Day. Let's engage in some uncertain, nervous, nail-biting, stream-of-consciousness chatter before we know the actual election results later in the evening.

If Rick Santorum doesn't win, it is probably because he lost, not because he got beat. When he had his moment in Michigan, he talked too much about contraceptives, he whacked JFK for something I've already forgotten and belittled the notion of college aspirations. He was a blank canvas and he spattered it himself.

In politics, bad gets worse, so just when Santorum could have changed the subject, Rush Limbaugh hijacked the 2012 campaign by verbally slapping around some college girl. I'm not sure Santorum has ever gotten around to talking about the economy and Obama.

Notwithstanding what I consider to be just some early live rehearsals, NBC's “Saturday Night Live” hasn't settled on a Republican nominee, but it could probably handicap the GOP field in these ways:

If Newt is the nominee, he is the easiest to Palinize and to visually caricature. But he is also the only candidate in the field who could actually be a funny, unscripted guest host.

Santorum was foreshadowed in 1986 on the show by Dana Carvey's Church Lady and the cast would love to torment him. He would also be the worst guest host ever.

Romney offers good material for the anti-wholesome crowd, and it would be easy to come up with a dead ringer for the former governor. SNL could make the "Romney laugh" an American pop culture phenomenon if he got elected. He would be so bad as a guest host he would be good.

I was channel surfing last week and I ran across the classic Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones movie "Men In Black," which many of us know to be more of a documentary than entertainment. I used to talk to President George H.W. Bush about Area 51. He never leveled with me. Anyway, it occurred to me that either Romney or President Obama could win if one or the other could get his hands on the “Men In Black’s” neuralyzer. In a flash, the device wipes human memories clean. The candidates could use it on TV so enough voters would become oblivious to the candidates' past statements and positions and they could say anything and get away with it more easily than ever. If Obama inexplicably wins and the Democrats keep the Senate in November, it could mean he used the presidency to grasp the one piece of technology that could save him. We might never know.

Everyone save this post. It may serve as a clue in the future.

More later.

By  |  09:00 AM ET, 03/06/2012

 
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