Here are 12 fearless predictions for Super Bowl XLVI.
1. Tom Brady will throw for more than 300 yards, including three touchdown passes. After one of them, one of the announcers will inform us that he is married to a supermodel because some of us might have forgotten that despite being reminded repeatedly during the pregame show.
2. Eli Manning will throw for more than 300 yards, including three touchdown passes. And after each touchdown, we will get to see Peyton Manning cheering in the owner’s suite because some of us might have forgotten that they are brothers or wondered whether Peyton was rooting for Eli.
3. Rob Gronkowski will only catch three passes, none for touchdowns . . . but Aaron Hernandez will catch eight passes for nearly 100 yards, including one for a touchdown. And somehow Rob Gronkowski’s ankle will still get more attention than Hernandez.
4. Victor Cruz will catch six passes, none for touchdowns, accumulating about 60 yards. . . but Hakeem Nicks will catch 10 passes, one for a touchdown, for a total of more than 100 yards. And somehow Rob Gronkowski’s ankle will still get more attention than Nicks.
5. Wes Welker will have 80-100 receiving yards, and an announcer will refer to him as “pesky.”
6. Brandon Jacobs will rush for 75-80 yards. And at least once an announcer will report that he weighs 275 pounds, which still seems like he didn’t put both feet on the scale, doesn’t it?
7. The Giants will sack Brady three times. Immediately after one of them, we will get a Subway commercial with Justin Tuck and that guy with the glasses who lost all that weight eating sandwiches, sending us the subliminal message that a six-inch meatball sub somehow contributed to the sack we just saw.
8. The Patriots will sack Eli Manning once. And when they do, we will get to see Peyton Manning wincing in the owner’s suite, confirming that he in fact is still rooting for his brother. This will be followed by the Papa John’s commercial starring Peyton, which is the only commercial he’s ever been in where he isn’t entertaining, which itself suggests that his career may be over.
9. The Giants will force two turnovers.
10. The Patriots will force two turnovers.
11. Neither team will miss a field goal.
12. Final score: Patriots 31, Giants 28.
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