In this episode, while Jackie’s mother is still suffering from cancer, Jackie and the gang party it up in Las Vegas for her 16th wedding to Doug. Jackie confronts Draya about her absence from her wedding and the girls all get together for a little mixed martial arts. Sounds like fun? Not really. Ask Draya.
At the Palms in Las Vegas , the gang all party at the club. The topic of conversation is as always, Draya. For missing the wedding, Laura says Draya is “out the circle.” “The circle” is this term invented by the Miami cast that is loosely translated to mean the fellowship of televised groupies. “This was an important day," Jackie says. "And [Draya] made a big fuss about coming." Did she really? The group forms a soul train line. Everyone dances badly. Weave hair blows everywhere. Jackie's mother is probably being forced to do the Cupid Shuffle by Skype.
Doug and Jackie kiss which causes Imani and most of the viewers at home to begin crying hysterically. Imani sobs that seeing Jackie and Doug together makes her realize she gave all her love to the wrong person. "I gave up on love a long time ago," she says. The rest of the women embrace and comfort her, and the whole scene reminds me of Sophia's first dinner after coming home from prison in The Color Purple.
Imani says, "When I seen Miss Jackie that day with that leash around Doug's neck, I knew dere was a gawd." She didn't really say that, but I can't think of anything in that disturbing relationship to envy. Imani says she was overly emotional. In her case, I think she was just overly drunk. Imani says she came to some realizations about herself. I hope one of those realizations was that she needs to get a job.
Next, we see Doug lying in bed and...oh my God, someone has placed a severed horse's head next to him! But the horse begins to speak and we realize it's just crazy Jackie and her phonytail. Jackie tells Doug that one of the best parts of this whole trip was that her mom got to be there.
In case you missed last week's episode, Jackie's mother, sick with cancer, was unable to attend her daughter's ridiculous wedding, and was forced to fulfill her maid of honor duties by Skype.
Jackie apologizes to Doug for Draya not being there. Doug has no idea who Draya is, but he hopes she's someone who can purchase his freedom one day. Jackie tells Doug the best part of the wedding was marrying him again. Doug's body is positioned so far away from Jackie, it appears he may fall out of bed. She asks Doug if she did a good job. Still dazed, confused and wondering how he got in bed with the talking horse, Doug just nods and agrees.
Jackie then feeds Doug fruit that is likely laced with some type of tranquilizer they gave her at the stables. Suddenly, like something out of The Exorcist, the bed begins spinning rapidly. Doug holds on for dear life, suddenly remembering that this is his own personal hell. Imani wishes this was her life.
Imani, Laura and Malaysia meet up for brunch. Imani is wearing what appears to be two birdhouses as earrings. She laments that she is a vending machine and that a section of her has run out. Is vending machine code for uterus? Because how many children and how many years of shacking up and making babies with no ring did it take for her to figure that out?
Laura, the other vending machine, says she picked her ex and went back to him and that's her fault. "It's a really bad cycle," she says. A cycle she's apparently continued because according to the Reliable Source, they're back together.
Malaysia says that Imani and Laura's stories had her mouth to the floor and she really appreciates what she has. I really don't believe her because Malaysia also looks like she's about two seconds from falling asleep.
Draya meets up with Malaysia. Draya said she decided at the last minute not to attend Jackie's wedding and that it was based on the conversation she had with Malaysia where Malaysia stated that Jackie asked the group if she should extend an invitation to Draya. Malaysia says she didn't say that. Psst...she totally did.
Malaysia says she told Draya that she told Jackie not to invite her. "Why am I a topic when I'm not around," Draya says. "I feel like I gave those women another opportunity to talk about me because I could've been there and said 'I'm here and I look cute.'"
And here it is girls. All you ninth graders who may be feeling a little awkward because you get good grades, speak the king's English and you're not a member of the popular clique?
And you wonder what it'd be like just for one day, to be one of the cool girls who get invited to parties and date the star athletes. This is it, Boo. This is where they end up. Sitting in a barbecue joint, wearing a pound of makeup and arguing over the same silly things they were arguing about in ninth grade. Stay in school.
The women end their meeting about nothing. Malaysia says she has to go get her baby from day camp. Draya has probably laid out a week's worth of frozen pizzas for hers.
Laura does something she should've done a long time ago and visits a therapist. Meanwhile, we see her sister, Gloria at home in the kitchen. "Matt and I are just hanging out at the house," she says. "I would much rather do that than going to the club." I guess this explains her absence from Jackie's post wedding night on the town.
Gloria is talking about some golf tournament. She wants to go on a double date with Jackie and Doug. I'm sure that's so her long-time fiancé, Matt a.k.a. El Calico Kitty, will get some sort of inspiration to marry her.
I really apologize for what you're about to read folks. This is truly the worst conversation I hope to ever have to write about. Gloria tells Matt that she wants to have a botox party and get rid of the lines in her face. "Why, because I make you laugh so much," Matt says.
Matt says that he wants to see Gloria's baby maker. He could really see her baby maker if he looked in the mirror. It gets worse. Mr. Calico Kitty then offers Gloria on-call sex with him in exchange for the botox party. He even offers to call his own father to borrow some Viagra pills. I'm done.
Imani, Gloria and Laura go work out with a trainer. Imani and Laura especially make rude and sexually suggestive comments to the trainer. He looks as if he's regretting every moment of agreeing to appear on this travesty. Laura later comments that although the trainer has a "nice booty," she still "wouldn’t do him." "But white is right though!" Because of course, a millionaire white athlete would never abandon his pregnant girlfriend. Just ask Tom Brady.
Showdown. Jackie meets with Draya. Draya arrives first and appears visibly nervous. In walks Jackie in a junior’s department dress and a chip on her shoulder. "Humph! Don't even get up and greet me," she says.
She then plops herself down in her chair across from Draya and crosses her arms. Draya confesses to Jackie that when Jackie had a conversation with the other women about whether or not she should invite her, she decided not to go to her wedding. At this moment, Jackie rips her sunglasses off. She then goes on this awesome crazy rambling rant that is part crackhead, part crazy lady and part 1970’s pimp:
"I invited you to come anyway against other people's better judgment," she says. "I'm making a list and 'yeah honey you'll get the chance to meet Draya.' You said you wanted people to give you a chance. Nobody else gives a [expletive] about Draya. You claim you want to be down with us. I will slap the taste out of somebody's mouth for putting me in the middle of something. I could be like somebody's best friend or somebody's worst enemy. In the future, call me, you got my numbers.' I swear I don't think she took one breath.
She then gets up and walks out, leaving Draya alone at the table. I then notice that neither one of these women have ordered anything but water with lemon. I'd be pissed if I were their waitress.
Malaysia meets with some guy who goes by "Jason of Beverly Hills," which sounds like a hair salon, but he is actually a jeweler. Malaysia is excited to work with Jason on her "joo-ree" line for children. She wants her kids to know that she does something other than "wash their butts and clean up after their daddy." They decide that Joo-ree by LaKeisha Malaysia ShaBoomBam will be named "Three Heartbeats" and will run anywhere between $700 and $3,000. Just in case you want to outfit your eight-year-old in diamonds for the playground.
Jackie and Gloria meet up. They talk trash about Malaysia and discuss "the circle." "I think Draya is a lost girl," Jackie says. "She wants to test me and that's not a good idea." Draya better be careful before she ends up on a spinning bed with poisoned fruit.
The Banger Sisters, a.k.a. Gloria and Laura walk along some random street and talk about everyone's favorite subject, Draya. Laura tells Gloria that Draya has been talking about Laura and Laura's children. She says that Draya told someone about her fight with Malaysia. I think Laura may have forgotten that she's on a nationally televised program. Laura says she feels like she wasted an ass whipping on Malaysia. I don't quite remember things going that way. Gloria wants to know what's up with Draya and if she's a mole. This would be hilarious if it wasn't so pathetic.
The women meet for a mixed martial arts class. Draya and Malaysia arrive first and Draya gets excited that there's a pole. She gives Malaysia pole dancing lessons until the other women arrive.
In regards to Draya, Gloria says "And that's how she makes her money." Gloria makes her money in a more honest profession, baby making.
The trainers come in and begin instructing the group. Laura stands in the corner, brooding, like a very angry Ewok. Jackie and Gloria spar first. Gloria and Laura go next. Laura beats up Gloria. Laura then takes on Draya. Jackie says that Draya is a sex crazed person who is "not really in it mentally." Jackie Christie questioning anyone else's mental state is beyond hilarious.
Draya said that all the other women were afraid to fight Laura so she volunteered. Draya, completely underdressed in a barely there sports bra and booty shorts, asks Laura to take it easy on her breasts because she has implants and that they'll break. Laura fights Draya like she stole something, but to Draya's credit, she fights back more than Gloria did. Until next week...The End.
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