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TheRootDC
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Posted at 11:10 AM ET, 10/05/2011

A look at Basketball Wives: L.A.

On this episode of Basketball Wives: L.A., Imani is still looking for a man, Gloria pretends to not need a man and Jackie and Laura become the swapmeat version of Cagney and Lacey.

We’re returned to the mixed martial arts class where Laura is giving Draya a beatdown in the ring. The instructors end the fight and Draya gets up smiling. Malaysia goes to check on her. Laura asks Draya if she’s okay. Jackie however, is as giddy as a five-year-old in Toys R’ Us. She hypes the whole thing up saying that Laura beat Draya down. Laura insists that she didn’t. Draya, seemingly unfazed, puts on lipgloss and bounces on out of the door. Jackie likely goes home to try out some of her new moves on Doug.

Next, Gloria meets with Jackie. Jackie says she’s never had that much fun while working out. Gloria says it broke her out in a rash. This show will do that to you. The two cackle about Laura beating up Draya. “Draya took that,” Jackie says. “Girl, you got to be used to getting your ass beat,” Gloria says. The sad thing is that Gloria’s statement is not only ironic, but autobiographical. Her fiancé, Matt, a.k.a. El Calico Kitty, was arrested on charges of domestic assault against her just last year.

Jackie asks Gloria how Laura is doing. Gloria says her sister is good. Then Jackie finishes talking about the only other person she cares about more than herself: the infamous Draya.

She goes into one of her crazy cracked out Whitney Houston rants. “I don’t need to be overprotective. [Doug’s] around you guys. You guys are beautiful. I don’t have a problem with women. I have problem with [expletive]. I have a problem with Draya up on a pole.”

And now we get to the root of it. Jackie is absolutely, without a doubt, totally threatened by Draya. Draya is young, thin and uninhibited and she’s the only one of these pathetic women who doesn’t put Jackie and her Silence of the Lambs marriage on a pedestal. But if Jackie has such a problem with Draya, then why is she so upset that Draya didn’t come to her wedding? The world may never know. What we do know is that Jackie acts worse than Miss Piggy did when any female host of The Muppet Show got too close to Kermit the Frog. But to Piggy’s credit, after she got to karate chopping all over the place, she’d usually go backstage and apologize. Jackie lacks the humility and common sense for that.

Matt and Gloria meet up with their public relations company. A group of people in suits sit around a conference table and pretend to be Matt and Gloria’s public relations company. Matt’s hair looks like a black bowl. In honor of his mother who died of cancer, Matt wants to put on a golf tournament to benefit his charity, Athletes vs. Cancer. Although she doesn’t have a pot to piss in, you’ll find that during this scene, Gloria uses the words we and our a lot. “When the golf tournament was in Sacramento, we had a lot of leeway because Sacramento was so small,” she says. “A lot is riding on this; we really have to leave our mark.” I wonder when we will go out and get a real job lest we end up just like our deadbeat sister when our non-husband leaves us.

Next, Matt and Gloria go on a double date with Jackie and Doug. “We always try to meet up with couples who are married or are getting married,” Gloria says. We are in neither category. Matt’s hair now looks like Dagwood Bumstead’s. Matt’s got that hair that simply won’t do anything. It won’t curl, won’t wave up, and even when he brushes it back, like it appears he’s done now, he looks two strands away from being a Stoney Jacksondouble. It doesn’t help that he put tattoos on seemingly every inch of his body that give him that special stray calico kitty appearance.

“I have a beautiful woman; I have beautiful children,” Matt says. Gloria is surprised by this, Jackie is delighted. “You guys are adorable,” Jackie says.  “You guys are just like us.” She turns to Doug and repeats herself, “I always said you guys were just like us, huh?” Doug realizes he’s supposed to speak and mumbles something inaudible.

Poor Doug. What I’m about to write may get me killed by Jackie, but I genuinely think he’s a nice guy and probably would’ve been a great husband to a normal woman. But somewhere along the line, life beat him down so badly that he thinks Jackie is the best he can do. Don’t get me wrong. He is totally responsible for marrying this beast, but in my heart of hearts? I think she put roots on him. There, I said it. Give Doug Free!

Imani, Jackie and Laura go shopping with what I’m assuming is Doug’s money. I’m also going to assume that I just stepped out of a DeLorean that transported me back to a 1989 Paula Abdul video, because surely that must be the only logical reason why Jackie is wearing a sheer black top and bra combination. While they shop, I wipe the blood from my eyes.

Laura says the day is not about just shopping, it’s about finding a man for Imani. We view a flashback of Imani’s breakdown in Las Vegas.  “What are you looking for in a man?” Laura asks. “I don’t want to waste my time looking.” Imani says she wants a tall guy with marriage on the mind. “I’m an all the way freak,” Imani says. Now it’s my ears turn to bleed. Jackie says she wants Imani to meet a man that will treat her like a lady.

Inani says she’s a little leery because the landscape of dating has changed. What she really means is that most of the NBA is made up of people now young enough to be her sons and she might only be attractive to the referees. Laura said she’s not trying to find Imani a date, she’s trying to find her some sex. Seriously, Laura is like a dirty old man. I want her off my television screen now.

An attractive young woman arrives at Jackie’s and surprisingly, Jackie allows her to live. The girl’s name appears to be Alexandra, but it’s spelled like something you’d expect to have been banned by the FDA. I think what flashed on my screen was Alyxndra. I don’t know. But let’s call her Celtrixa. She is some type of sex counselor.

Jackie takes the woman out to the pool, where I was assuming she would mysteriously drown, but Jackie introduces her to her daughter Chantel and niece Mariana. There’s another woman there who I’m going to assume is Mariana’s mother as well as Jackie’s sister, but much like Jackie’s mother, she’s ignored.

Jackie wants the woman to get Chantel to talk about sex. “My daughter just turned 18,” Jackie says. “She’s really sheltered.” Chantel is understandably horrified. “I don’t know why she wants to do this,” she says. “I’m not sexually active.” Jackie asks Chantel a series of really embarrassing sexual questions, and Chantel shouts, “Mom come on! How old are we?” J

Just as when she discusses her mother’s cancer, Jackie cries, but no tears manage to fall out. “What I’m hearing is you know a lot about sex,” Celtrixa says. Chantel says: “We don’t need a sex counselor; we need a family counselor.” Truer words have never been spoken.

Celtrixa emphasizes the need to communicate. “Communication leads to me being locked into my room,” Chantel says. Oh my god, Doug and his family are trapped inside some horrible V.C. Andrews novel. Whatever you do Chantel, don’t let Doug Jr. eat the powdered cookies.

Laura arrives at Gloria’s house. Gloria interviews that last year she and Matt called off their wedding, so to hear him talk about getting married with the Christies was a surprise. Laura asks her sister why she doesn’t just get married. “I’m not ready,” Gloria says. “I’ve got so many projects going on. He’s my boo. He’s the one I want to marry.  Just not any time soon.” This woman seems to have gotten lost in a portal and is confusing herself with Adrienne Maloof or you know, somebody with a job.

Gloria tells Laura that Matt tells her he’s put his life on hold for her. “Now I’m at the point where if Matt were to go, I’m like ‘deuces.’” Dude, no you’re not. You’d be a single mother with no job skills, looking for the next meal ticket, just like your sister. And can people stop saying deuces? It’s so obnoxious.

Laura arrives at Jackie’s house. They’ve designated this day to dig up dirt on Draya on the internet. They google Draya’s name. Some naked pictures appear. Jackie and Laura think Draya looks hot. Laura playing the Crockett to Jackie’s Tubbs, asks if Draya’s breasts are as big as they appear in the photograph. “They is on here,” Tubbs says.

Laura says she doesn’t read blogs. “I read it all, so I’m going to do it,” Jackie says with glee. They find a few blogs that allege Draya was arrested for child endangerment. Laura then finds a police report detailing the arrest. “You found it,” Jackie says.

Something tells me Jackie doesn’t know how to use the Internet and needs Laura to help her. She’s probably one of those people who think Michelle Obama and Joe Biden are personally sending her emails. “That’s the same girl who walks and talks and eats with us,” she says. “Our plan of attack is to show what we found on Google.”

The cast, minus Malaysia and of course Kimsha and Tanya who we haven’t seen since the beginning of the series, meet for brunch. Jackie shows up in some leopard print tunic decorated with sequins. It looks like it’s out of Peggy Bundy’s closet. She is brimming with joy. She’s even broken out her big special phonytail with crimps for the occasion.

Jackie proposes a toast. “Let’s cheers for what I’m about to share with you,” she says. “We’re going to have to cheers anyway. Even though we ain’t got no Hennessy up in here.” Who does this? This woman is insane. I miss Ni-Ni and ‘nem.

The women of course talk about Draya and Jackie can no longer contain herself. “Damn it this time, I’m tired,”she says. She goes into her purse which has been perched on her lap this entire time, and pulls out a manila envelope that contains the arrest report.

Imani says she already knew about Draya’s arrest and that is why she referred to Draya as “worthless.” Gloria says she feels somewhat responsible for bringing Draya into the fold and wants to sever all ties with her. Pretending as if they have any type of power over production or casting, the women all decide that they will ice out Draya. Jackie is delighted.

The women meet up at a lounge. Malaysia, who has been absent most of this episode, walks in with Draya. Laura and Gloria are already there and Jackie and Imani walk in together. They reminisce about the MMA class. Malaysia says she found it a little barbaric. The group disagrees. We see how this is going to go. They joyfully reenact Laura’s beating of Draya. 

“Draya’s waist is like this big,” Jackie says, while forming her hands into a small circle. Jealous as a mug. “At first I was a little offended,” Draya says, “And I was like she’s not tripping, so a sports a sport.” Honestly, Draya doesn’t seem all that bright. Not even compared to the people on this show.

Gloria asks Draya why she didn’t come to Jackie’s wedding. Draya explains for the third or fourth time why she didn’t come to the stupid thing and says that she came to her decision after her conversation with Malaysia. Malaysia says she feels like Draya was throwing her under the bus. “Why would you do that if I’m trying to give you comfort,” Malaysia asks. First of all, what? Draya repeated back exactly what Malaysia said to her. Malaysia is lying. Call Ni-Ni and ‘nem.

Jackie spots her prey. “Malaysia, Malaysia, Malaysia is all I heard,” Jackie says. Draya continues to try to explain herself. Jackie smells blood. “What I don’t like is BS and phoniness,” she says. She tags Laura in to begin the attack. Laura begins repeating all the details they found out about Draya on the Internet. “I mean as a mother, I’m passionate about my kids,” Laura says. “So, if I got somebody else that’s coming into our group that’s a deadbeat mama, I got problems with that. I don’t want you in my face.”

Draya says that everything they found was a lie. Gloria says, “I would never, ever want to be associated with someone like that.” Imani asks Draya where all of the allegations came from because that type of stuff can’t just be made up. Draya says it can. She says the reporter who wrote the story about her was fired and that the allegations made about her were false. She begins to cry.

Jackie goes in for the kill. “Well, you know what Draya,” she says.  “I can relate to that because I get a lot of that too on the Internet about me being crazy about Doug, which I am. I love my husband, but I’m not crazy. You know what I mean?” Not really.

Draya, wiping her eyes with cocktail napkins tells Jackie that Jackie doesn’t understand what she’s going through because Jackie admits to being crazy about her husband, but Draya does not admit to being a bad mother. Jackie says Draya is trying to point the finger at everyone else. Draya denies that. And now Draya is about to be Whitney Houston-ed. Try to follow along.

“When I smile at you, it’s a genuine [expletive] smile,” Jackie says. But when I frown at you, it’s a genuine frown and when I go to knock you out because you disrespect my [expletive] man again, and I knock your teeth out, understand where it’s coming from, because don’t ever tell me ‘oh you act crazy about your man.’ You don’t know me.”

“You just said it!” Draya says. “No, no, no,” Jackie says. “You said it!” Oh my god, this woman is nuts. “I said I am crazy about him.”

“Right!” Draya says. “You disrespected me by trying to deflect the [expletive] on me,” Jackie says. “You’re crazy!”she says as she points her finger at Draya. Draya looks like she’s going insane, as does the viewing public.

Malaysia comforts Draya and tells her that she doesn’t have to explain herself to her. The Banger sisters leave, as do Jackie and Imani. They say they’re done with Draya. Malaysia leads Draya out by the hand.

These women have managed to do the unthinkable. The way they ganged up on this woman like a pack of wild hyenas has actually made me feel sympathy for someone accused of child neglect. Jackie Christie is enough to get Charles Manson granted clemency.  Until next week...The End.

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