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Posted at 05:39 PM ET, 12/04/2012

Basketball Wives, LA: Episode 13

On this episode of Basketball Wives, LA, Jackie raps, Bambi and Gloria do some West coast bangin’ and the women leave their imprint on the Crescent City.

I’d like to begin this by apologizing to Mr. Robert Griffin, III. Instead of watching you lead the Redskins to victory against the hated Giants, I wasted precious brain cells watching the Basketball Clowns. Much like the women on this show, I’ve got misplaced priorities.

This episode, the women are pursuing their entrepreneurial interests.
Cast of VH1's 'Basketball Wives LA' 2011. (Cody Bess Photography - Vh1 Networks)
Brooke has a lingerie line that we have the misfortune of watching her model and Jackie makes a song that we have the misfortune of hearing. Jackie’s song is at least hilarious. Brooke’s panties, not so much.

We meet Jackie in the recording studio where she’s with two engineers, I think. One looks like a dorky Miles Simon. Jackie tells us that she owns a record label. “It’s going to be a new adventure,” she says. Is there anything Jackie doesn’t Jackie own? She sure buys a lot of stuff with Doug’s money. Jackie’s song is a kind of rap/ballad hybrid.

“Black Gucci shades,” she sings. “Six inch heels, if you ain’t come from nothing, you don’t know how it feels.” Ha! This may rank up there with Eddie Murphy’s “Party All the Time.” Bambi comes in to watch Jackie flow. “What are you going to do with this song?” Bambi asks. “I’m going to put it out,” Jackie says. Lord, help us.

It’s Laura’s birthday and Gloria has set up a makeover party for her sister. I was hoping there would be no Gloria this episode. The party is at some place that looks like it sells tacos. There’s a chalkboard easel outside with the day’s bikini wax discounts written on it. As the wives filter in, it’s apparent that Draya will not be joining them. Bambi tells the group that Draya doesn’t want to be around fakeness. That excludes her implants. Apparently, the fake friendship of Jackie and Laura is bothersome to Draya. “I don’t understand why their relationship is like so significant to her,” Gloria says. “How she going to judge somebody’s friendship when she not even being a real friend to me?” Brooke whines. “Maybe she feels like our friendship is over.” I hope so. Then you’ll have no storyline.

Bambi doesn’t like Gloria and decides to tell her so. “Gloria’s kind of like a snob,” Bambi says in an interview. “She thinks she’s better than people. I just wanted to let her know.”

Although I agree, Bambi should not be the one to say this to Gloria, nor is Gloria’s sister’s birthday party the place to do it. “Gloria, do you know I wanted to smack the [expletive] out of you at Draya’s thing?” Bambi asks. “Oh, okay,” Gloria says. “Well come on.” “You want me to smack you?” Bambi asks.

Oh man. Isn’t this the same sequence of events spearheaded by that little bald headed child during the Basketball Wives, Miami season? I hope the West Coast wives will be a little less trashy for their children’s sake. “It’s going to be a fade,” Gloria says. I have no idea what that means. “I don’t even really like yo [expletive],” Bambi says. “Well then you can bounce,” Gloria says. “You want to come in here all Compton!” Gloria says. “Yes [expletive], I’m Compton every day!” Bambi says as she walks toward Gloria. “That’s what I do! Malaysia steps in between Bambi and Gloria.

A pink haired woman applying make-up on Gloria looks away nervously. “Malaysia you know you can’t stop this,” Bambi says. “Ain’t nothing but a [expletive] thing!” Gloria says. Ooh, west coast fight. Ain’t nothing but a gangsta party, party, party.

This is like Nia Long vs. Regina King at the Boyz n’ the Hood cook out. Laura puts a stop to the nonsense and tells Gloria to chill out. “Even if it ain’t my birthday, it’s not that serious,” Laura says.

Laura says she wants to end the party. I’m guessing the pink haired lady put an end to it instead. “I wanted to get my make up done,” Brooke says. “Bambi just ruined it.” As if they don’t get their make-up done before these ridiculous scenes. “Bye you guys,” Gloria says to the staff. “We’ll come back here next time. We promise.” That place doesn’t want you ignorant fools back in there. Get out.

Unfortunately, the women are traveling to New Orleans, one of my favorite cities in the world. I feel like I need to fly down there and scrub the French Quarter with Clorox just to make things right. Malaysia has organized a community service activity for the women to engage in. In the limousine, the women speculate that Gloria married Matt.

“That’s what I seen in the tabloids,” Jackie says. “I feel terrible for Matt,” Bambi says. ‘Did he know that she’s a rat?” As rude as that was, I laughed. Gloria and Laura show up to dinner with the others and Jackie addresses the elephant in the room.

“Okay Gloria, tell us the good news damn it!” she says. “Is you married?” Gloria admits that she married Matt.  “She is Gloria Barnes up in this piece,” Jackie says. I guess that’s an accomplishment. Finally, Gloria fits into the premise of this show. So few do.

“It was so us,” Gloria says. “We’re so unorthodox and untraditional.” Can I throw rice in this girl’s face? She’s so obnoxious. As the women gush over Gloria’s elopement, Bambi takes her phone out and looks up the weather or something. “I wasn’t interested in being a part of celebrating her marriage,” she says. “I don’t like her.” Bambi walks out of the room. Malaysia follows her and encourages her to come back. “I’m happy for her,” Malaysia says. “I’m happy she ain’t getting trains run over her no more,” Bambi says. That’s another rude comment that I couldn’t help but laugh at. Shut up Bambi.

Instead of enjoying the dinner, Brooke whines some more about Draya not being happy enough for her landing the cover of King Magazine. “Y’all ain’t sick of hearing this [expletive] yet?”Draya asks. God yes! “I’m not dealing with this [expletive],”

Malaysia says as she leaves the table. She makes another dramatic exit, nearly knocking over the waiter who is probably somebody’s grandpa. For that, I hope her stilettos get stuck between one of those old New Orleans cobblestones.

The women arrive at a house and meet two Habitat for Humanity workers. The guy explains that they’ll be fixing up a house that was damaged by Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. “I’m happy to be a part of it,” Brooke says. I don’t understand why these women show up to everything they do wearing Daisy Dukes and full faces of make-up. Gloria and Jackie are the only ones dressed for actually fixing a house. The others look like strippers who are wearing construction worker costumes. I feel sorry for whomever this house belongs to.

At night time, the group splinters. Brooke, Gloria and Laura chill at a lounge, while Bambi, Draya, Jackie and Malaysia hit Bourbon Street. “I didn’t realize Bambi was as old as she is,” Laura says. “She’s 29!” Is that old? If it is, I’m the crypt keeper. Meanwhile, Bambi lists all the expletives that Gloria is.

“She’s a condescending [expletive]!” Bambi says. “She’s a [expletive] hood squirrel!” That’s a new one. Bambi says that her rap friends have slept with Gloria. I been going in the studio and you been coming out,” Bambi says. Maybe Gloria just made a new glitter rap song like Jackie.

Draya is tired of the trash talk and decides to class it up a bit. She moons a crowd of old ladies. Jackie then flashes them. Draya follows suit and does the same. These are mothers by the way.

Some Ignorant Previews: The women continue to stank up the Big Easy, Jackie confronts Laura and Brooke continues her unnatural obsession with Draya. Until next week…The End.

M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian-related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman.

By M.T. Wiseman  |  05:39 PM ET, 12/04/2012

 
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