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Posted at 01:51 PM ET, 10/20/2011

Basketball Wives L.A. reviewed

In this episode of Basketball Wives: L.A., Jackie confronts Laura, Draya and Malaysia become businesswomen and Gloria doesn’t get married…again.

We’re returned to Laura’s charity event where Jackie has just revealed that Laura has been gossiping about her. “I was told that Laura had been talking about me in a very negative way,” Jackie says. My blood is boiling. She was going to feel my wrath.” Well, I for one, am looking forward to this. Jackie makes crazy a beautiful art form.

Laura hugs Jackie and compliments her on her outfit. “And I don’t have a pregnant stomach either, because I’m not pregnant,” Jackie says. “You just look it,” Laura replies. But Laura clarifies that at the time she made that statement she did think that Jackie looked pregnant, but doesn’t feel the same way now. That doesn’t make any sense, but I don’t care. Jackie lifts up her shirt and asks anyone who will listen if she looks pregnant.

Laura does her best to ignore Jackie. “For me, I have to ask for bigger sizes,” Laura says to a guest. Jackie interrupts, “I thought I have to ask for bigger sizes!” “She said my fashion was off and my hair looked like a hat,” Jackie says. Okay, I have to give Laura credit, the hat comment was funny.

The women gather for a photograph. I saw photographs of Tanya at this event so I’m not sure why she was edited out. Maybe her English was too good. Draya, who has to leave the benefit for a prior engagement, leaves babysitting instructions for Malaysia. “You have to pet Jackie,” she says as she demonstrates by rubbing Malaysia’s arm.

Draya says she’s terrified of Jackie and what she will say. She leaves the party and puts Jackie in Malaysia’s care. “Laura’s like a sister to me,” Jackie says. “So it hurt more than if a stranger said it.”

“I think you guys need to hash it out,” Malaysia says. “And you should be there so you can pick her [expletive] face up off the floor.” Jackie is like that alcoholic aunt you don’t invite to your cook outs for fear that she’ll get drunk and stab one of your coworkers.

Draya and crazy Aunt Jackie meet to choose fabric for Draya’s upcoming bikini line. I don’t believe for a minute that Draya can design a paper bag, no less a bikini, but she puts on a pair of smart lady, Tina Fey glasses to convince me otherwise.

Jackie on the other hand, is wearing a pair of sunglasses from the Ray Charles collection inside the store, so it’s obvious that she’s not there to help Draya look at swatches. She uses the occasion to repeat all the things she said Laura said about her. Draya is annoyed.

“I hope Jackie and Laura can sort their [expletive] out,” Draya says. “Jackie’s hot and cold and it makes me nervous.” That’s a nice way of saying bipolar. Seeing she may have an ally in Draya, Jackie compliments her.

“I think Draya has what it takes to succeed as a business partner if she really wants to,” she says. I highly doubt that. This is the girl who tweeted, “I don’t know who Steve Jobs is…Well [expletive] he didn’t know me either.”  

At Gloria and Laura’s parents’ house, we meet their father Michael. “My dad is hilarious,” Laura says. Unless her real dad is named Bill Cosby, I don’t agree. He hardly said anything at all. To her family’s surprise, Laura says that she will be leaving for Orlando on Sunday. “I want the children to be closer to their father,” she says.  Gloria says this is the first time she’d heard of Laura moving but that she will support her sister.

Draya goes to the beach with her mother and son. Her son’s name is Kniko, but I keep wanting to pronounce it as Kinko’s. He’s a cute little boy. “Me and my son are like best friends,” Draya says. Big mistake. If your child is your best friend, expect for him to be co-starring on an episode of MTV’s “16 and Pregnant” in 10 years. “He’s well behaved, smart, athletic,” she says.

Although they live in Pennsylvania, Draya tells her mother that she wants her and Kniko to move to Los Angeles. “There’s so much more opportunity,” she says. “I want to give everybody a better life.” “I just can’t pick up and go,” her mother says. “It’s not that simple.” It was for Draya.

Matt hosts a basketball camp for children. For some reason, he has Gloria give a speech to the kids. Instead of being appropriately dressed for a gymnasium, Gloria is wearing a maxi dress and really high heels. She probably wants to stake her claim ahead of time just in case her future baby’s daddy is registered in the camp.

Gloria talks about playing basketball in high school and college. The kids all look like they can’t wait for the bus to come pick them up. One of them feels sorry enough for her to ask her what position she played and if she ever got dunked on.

“I’ve actually beaten Matt in horse and then he cheats and dunks on me,” she says. “You know you have to let them win,” Matt says. “I won like six out of 10 times,” Gloria says. Realizing they’re being held hostage by this boring display of foreplay, the kids start talking amongst themselves.

Draya is taking an improv class. “I’m really excited about it,” she says. The class is doing this terribly corny rap game. Draya joins in and is just as terrible. Later, she grinds on one of her classmates. It’s all really weird. Moving on.

Jackie and Malaysia meet to shop. Malaysia may have been there to shop, but Jackie was there to gossip. “I’ve been hearing a lot of backstabbing from the girls,” Jackie says. She tells Malaysia that some of the women have also been talking about her. “A couple of girls are saying that you are so preachy,” she says.

“Malaysia comes from the same neighborhoods that we do.” Malaysia takes the bait. “They think that I’m being something that I ain’t” she says. “I’m not perfick and I’m still trying to get my walk right with God.” “Our walks is right with God,” Jackie says. “We know who he is. I can say ‘I love God’ and then, ‘[expletive] I’ll slap the [expletive] out of you.’” What kind of dogma is this?

Speaking of God, Matt and Gloria go to church to get their twin sons baptized. I got excited for half a second because I thought it was Fred Price’s church. Every Sunday growing up, I had to watch Fred Price while my aunt babysat me. I think she told me he was George Jefferson.

But unfortunately, it’s some other church. The pastor says something about the couple’s “celebrity status,” which makes my eyes roll. “One of the things we know about Matt and Gloria is that they don’t take no stuff from nobody,” he says.

This guy is definitely no Fred Price. One of the twins starts hopping up and down on stage. At that moment, my collar would’ve been all wrinkled from when my mom snatched it up. The extended family is called on stage.

“I made that,” Michael says as he points to Gloria.  I’m not sure if he was saying that with pride or guilt. He kind of sounded like John McCain when he called Barack Obama “that one.” The pastor told Michael that he does good work. I’m not sure if that sounds gross or not.

“I was in like, a white dress, [Matt] was in a suit,” Gloria says. “Knowing Matthew Barnes, he was going to say ‘let’s just get married right now.” Yeah, didn’t happen. In an interview, Gloria says, “[Expletive], we’ll get married in the future, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 10 years.” 

I almost feel a little sorry for Gloria. I should hope she wouldn’t wait 10 years for this man to marry her. That kid from the basketball camp will be eligible for the draft by then.

Draya meets up with her mother again. Now I don’t like to talk about people’s families, but I think we may have just found Snooki’s biological mother. Draya’s mother is very, very orange. She’s got tattoos on each bicep, bleached blonde hair and frosty pink lipstick.

I’m guessing she smokes about two packs of Newports a day. “My life is my kids,” she says. “You and Kniko.” Draya says she’s sad that her mother is leaving. “I wish she would just quit her job and stay out here with me,” she says. I’m sure Kniko wishes the same for his own mother. He’s also seven years old.

Draya meets up with her new business mentor, crazy Aunt Jackie. Jackie has a clothing line and wants Draya to model her designs. “[Draya] has a cute look and her body shape fits my clothing,” Jackie says.

Yeah, Jackie’s clothing line is hideous. She puts Draya in this gold coat dress that looks like something that walked down the runway at Ebony Fashion Fair 1984. Next, Draya models this shiny, black babydoll dress that looks like it came out of Nellie Oleson’s closet. I can’t imagine anyone wearing these clothes in this century.

“Who do you think will like it?” Jackie asks. “I think Laura’s going to hate. First of all I’m a designer so you can’t even imagine.” Ha! Jackie’s delusions are my entertainment. Draya tries to assuage her. “Laura’s going to hate,” she says. “Don’t worry about it.”

Malaysia meets with Jason the Jeweler again. He shows Malaysia the designs for her jewelry line for children. He gives her a series of photographs of jewelry. Diamond encrusted ice cream cones, robots, butterflies and strawberries. All things I can see Mariah Carey buying or naming her next albums after.

Malaysia says it’s just how she envisioned it. “Jason is so talented,” she says. “I knew he’d be the perfect person for my joo-ree line.” Jason encourages Malaysia to have a cocktail party to debut her joo-ree.

Gloria and Jackie shop for golf clothes for Matt’s upcoming tournament. Jackie makes small talk, but eventually steers the conversation to Laura. “I’ll talk to you about it after the tournament,” she says. “Laura been talking about me.” So much for waiting until after the tournament. Gloria tells Jackie that she doesn’t think Laura would say anything about her maliciously. “We all know Jackie can be a little extra sensitive,” she says.

Draya and Jackie meet at some restaurant. I have no idea what the purpose of this meeting is, but I’m sure, at some point, Jackie will make it all about her. She proved me right, and it didn’t take long. “The worst thing that could happen is that a few of the girls think that Draya is starting things,” Jackie says to Draya. “They look at you and you’re pretty and we’re all starting to mesh and people’s true colors start to come out. I don’t condone violence, but I tell you what I do, I finish it. The girls have questions. Like ‘why does Draya come off like she has an attitude?’” Draya has her doubts about the authenticity of Jackie’s claims. “Jackie has a way of convincing you of her theory on things,” Draya says.

 “I really don’t know if she’s initiating this, and I really don’t care.” She tells Jackie, “There’s only so much Miss Nice Girl I can be.” That statement didn’t sit well with crazy Aunt Jackie. “That let me know you’re faking,” Jackie says in an interview. “You’re a phony [expletive]. You will do whatever you have to do to get from point A to point B.

Truth be told, I don’t even think Whitney Houston at her crackiest is as bad as Jackie. At least Whitney can blame her behavior on a substance abuse problem. Jackie has some type of wonderfully entertaining personality disorder.

Malaysia plays hostess for her jewelry line debut. “A keepsake joo-ree that can grow with your kids,” she says. Now that’s a slogan. Malaysia says she’s nervous about the women’s behavior. “I know sometimes the girls can be inappropriate and a little mean.” I think they’ll be on their best behavior because my favorite reality show participant just walked in. Malaysia’s cousin Ni-Ni is there. The one who told Malaysia to call her if anything ever popped off. Ni-Ni got her hair done, she’s got on a full denim outfit and she is getting her grub on. I love Ni-Ni.

Gloria, Imani and Jackie arrive at the party. Jackie gushes about the jewelry. “Malaysia, I’ve seen a lot of jewelry collections, but this far exceeds anything I’ve seen,” she says. Malaysia cries. Imani, who we haven’t seen this entire episode, says Jackie is going overboard. But Jackie’s got Laura on her mind.

“Malaysia, I’ve been curious,” she says. “What are your feelings?” “She’s been super sweet to me in my face,” Malaysia says about Laura. “I don’t know what she says about me behind my back.” “But do you think that’s genuine,” Imani asks. “Because she’s been super sweet to me too.”

Imani says that Jackie informed her that Laura has been talking about her too. “I’ve helped Laura so much,” she says. “For her to do that to me is very hurtful.” So Jackie has been able to manipulate each one of these women and pit them against each other. If only she would use her powers for good instead of evil.

Previews. The women go to Hawaii. Jackie argues with all of them. Doug looks miserable. Gloria and Matt appear to break up. Until next week…the end.

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By M.T. Wiseman  |  01:51 PM ET, 10/20/2011

Categories:  The Root DC Live

 
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