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TheRootDC
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Posted at 02:13 PM ET, 10/26/2011

Basketball Wives L.A. reviewed

On this episode of Basketball Wives: L.A., Matt hosts a golf tournament, Laura is on the outs and Jackie is well, Jackie.

We’re returned to Malaysia’s cocktail joo-ree party where Jackie is telling anyone who will listen about how Laura has wronged her. Gloria comes over and joins the group. “Gloria I have to keep it real,” Jackie says. “We were over here talking about the Laura situation between her and Iman.” Either Jackie just mispronounced Imani’s name, or Laura has been talking trash about David Bowie’s fabulous supermodel wife.

Gloria completely sidesteps the discussion about her sister and focuses on Draya. “I’m kind of deuces with the Draya situation,” she says.

In an interview, she says, “Imani and Jackie are kind of in cahoots with each other. What about, I’m not sure, but I’m sure it’s about my sister.” That statement made absolutely no sense, but moving on.

Gloria and Matt make an appearance on radio personality, Big Boy’s show to promote Matt’s golf tournament. Matt talks about losing his mother to cancer and how he’s providing cancer screenings to low-income people. That’s admirable.

Big Boy asks the couple how they met. “I’ve known Matt since I was 12,” Gloria says. Wouldn’t that have made Matt about 18 years old at the time? Too bad Chris Hansen wasn’t around then. Matt clarifies and says he hooked back up with Gloria later in life. “She didn’t give it up for like three months,” he says.

They all giggle as if what Matt just said was adorable. Gloria congratulates herself for being so young and not being impressed that Matt was a basketball player. Sure, Glo.

Some woman named Luscious Liz asks Gloria, “What about the groupies?”Gloria sidesteps this question too. “I had some baby weight,” she says. “I came out here and I’m like, ‘got to do some lunges.’”

Matt says Gloria tells him she can’t wear what she wore to his games in Orlando. It’s true. Ever since celebrities began sitting courtside at basketball games to gain publicity, now more than ever, I’ve seen women showing up to Wizards games in spandex and stiletto heels. I stick out like a sore thumb in my thrift store jeans and six year old Chuck Taylors. But hey, what do I know? I’m there to actually watch the game.

At Jackie’s house, Jackie and her two sisters surround their mother in her bedroom. Some terrible song plays in the background. Jackie’s sister reads scripture. “My mom’s health has been really, really up and down,” Jackie says. “Today, she’s just perky, she’s smiling.” I have no idea what Jackie is talking about.

Her mother looks extremely ill and very, very weak. She’s hooked up to an oxygen tank. “I can’t give enough thanks,” their mother says. “You getting tired, Ma,” Jackie asks. “I’m getting a little bit tired,” her mother says. Jackie asks her sisters to leave the room so she can have a minute with their mother. I’m scared.

This is starting to look like a Lifetime horror movie. Where is Tori Spelling when you need her? “I just want to tell you, you mean the world to me,” Jackie says. “You’re my rock. You’re my life.” Jackie tells her mother that she’s helped Jackie’s efforts to spread cancer awareness.

Oh my God. This is really horrible to watch. Not only did this poor elderly woman just say that she’s tired, she’s confined to her sick bed with a room full of cameras and microphones shoved in her face, all for her narcissistic daughter’s pleasure. “I love you,” her mother says. “I love you,” Jackie says. “And I’m glad you were able to tell me.” Amazing. Even standing in the presence of her gravely ill mother, Jackie still manages to make this all about her.

The women, minus Malaysia gather to attend a party for Matt’s charity. Draya and Jackie pose for pictures together. “Can I get your daughter’s name,” a reporter asks Jackie. Ha! “Chantel,” Jackie says. “Wait, we’re not mother-daughter,” Draya says. “She is not old enough to be my mom.” Actually, Jackie’s oldest daughter is only a few years younger than Draya. “That was like, a stab at me,” Jackie says. “But I kind of overlooked it.” I’m now afraid for that reporter’s life.

Imani is surprised to see Draya and Jackie walk in together. “Weird combination,” Imani says. “But okay.” That’s what I say about the entire cast. Jackie is wearing yet another tight dress. “You know I had to wear this so I can show Laura I got a pooch,” Jackie says.

With excitement, Jackie tells Imani about her confrontation with Laura at Laura’s charity event. “She said I’m fat, she said I got a pooch, which I do,” Jackie says. “She said my hair looked like a hat.” Ha! That will never cease to be funny. Jackie continues, “So I’m mad right, but at this time, I don’t want to disrespect her at her event.”

Jackie goes into full Whitney mode. “First of all, don’t no [expletive] talk about me,” she says. “You do not cross me. Why do you do that when we’re supposed to be sisters? Don’t cross me. Uh uh, I’m Jackie Christie! In case you didn’t know, Google me. I hate to be conceited but I’m a bad [expletive]. And I’m like, ‘how you feel.’” How is Doug married to this?

Imani spots Laura walking in. “Speaking of the devil…wearing red,” she says. “Let’s be nice,” Jackie says. “It’s Gloria’s event.” Jackie walks over to greet Laura. “Hey mama, looking cute,” she says. “What kind of diet you been doing?” She grabs Laura’s hand and forces her to feel her pooch. “I want you to be the first one to feel it,” Jackie says. That sounds like a set up to me. I’d be afraid that a phonytail wearing alien would burst out and eat my hand.

Draya gets up and hugs Laura. “I was surprised Jackie was so nice,” Draya says. “To me it was all fakeness.” As opposed to getting up to hug someone who called you a deadbeat mama and said they didn’t want you in their face?

Laura walks over to Imani to hug her. Imani doesn’t return the gesture. “You know we got beef,” Laura says. “Come on.” Laura then palms the back of Imani’s head and forces her to her bosom. That was scary. Imani says that she knows Laura has been talking behind her back, but that she’s going to be nice. I’m sure you will. You just the back of your head palmed.

Jackie tells Laura that she was hurt by the things Laura said about her. “I was really mad at you Laura,” she says. “It came back third party.” “I told you I would tell you on my time,” Laura says. What does that mean? That she would insult her to her face when the time is right?

You can trust her as far as you can throw her,” Draya says about Laura. “And she’s a heavy girl.” Give it five years or less Draya. When your metabolism slows down and those big implants turn to fat and some little thing born in the mid 90’s becomes America’s Next Top Groupie, you will rue the day you talked trash about anybody’s weight.

At the golf tournament, Matt welcomes everyone and wishes them good times. “Everyone is looking cute,” Jackie says. “Some of us, better than others.” She’s kind of right.

Aside from Draya and Imani, all the other women are surprisingly dressed appropriately for golf. Imani is wearing a tight hot pink cardigan over a white blouse and tight white Capri pants. Draya is wearing a spaghetti strap tank top that barely covers her breasts with some booty shorts. I guess what they wear courtside is also what they wear on the green.

“Imani I was thinking,” Jackie says. “I know we’re all out here having fun, but it’s kind of hard.” As Laura comes within earshot, Jackie cuts herself off. “We’ll talk about it in the cart,” she says.

Later, the women get lunch. Draya grabs some food while Jackie and Laura stand behind her. “This girl is actually adorable isn’t she,” Jackie asks Laura “No,” Laura says. “She’s fun,” Jackie says. “Yes, she’s funny,” Laura says. Draya hears the two women talking about her.

“First I’m mad at Jackie for asking Laura if she likes me,” Draya says. “And Laura, if she doesn’t like me, why does she hug me?” Gloria says that lunch is weird. “There’s some awkward silence.” Maybe because none of you are really friends.

Gloria asks everyone what they’re wearing to the upcoming red carpet event. “Why are y’all shocked when I’m not wearing something revealing,” Draya asks. “Because you do,” Laura says flatly. “Why you so tough all the time, Laura,” Draya asks. “Stop being a bully,” Draya says in an interview. “That’s not sexy and you need all the sexy you can get.” Remember what I said about 2016, Draya. It’ll be here sooner than you know. Trust me.

Draya, Imani and Jackie hit the red carpet together. I’m not sure I understand why there’s another red carpet event for this event. Didn’t the golf tournament already occur? Is this how they do it in L.A.?

“There’s definitely some tension and it’s all behind Laura,” Jackie says. “She don’t pay my bills so she can’t make me have a bad day,” Draya says. “I can be a maniac, best friend or worst enemy,” Jackie says. I agree with the maniac part. Best friend, not so much. Unless it’s with her other personalities.

Laura stomps down the red carpet. Jackie tells Imani, “If you want to confront this chick, then you confront this chick.” Laura comes over and hugs the rest of the women. “I met up with the girls,” she says. “They all looked stiff. Laura asks the women how the party is going. Jackie says it’s tense because she’s sick from drinking alcohol. Laura asks them to walk the red carpet with her again.

Imani decides not to confront Laura. “The reason we’re here is for Matt’s charity and I don’t want to sully it,” she says. “It’s just not the time or place.” For once, someone on this show makes a good decision

Draya, Imani and Jackie all leave the event while Gloria is on stage with Matt. “We didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to Gloria,” Draya says. “And we didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to Laura either, but that was intentional.”

Laura and Gloria meet for lunch. “I’ve been so busy doing the golf tournament, it’s going to be nice to catch up,” Gloria says.

“Imani, she got beef with me,” Laura says. “I think we’re still really close.” She’s sorely mistaken. “Only thing I said about Imani was, ‘you always invite me to places and then don’t tell me and then afterwards tell me that party was off the hook,’” Laura says. I don’t believe her. Anytime someone begins a sentence with “only thing I said was,” it’s usually a lie. They’re also usually in elementary school.

Laura reiterates that she doesn’t like Draya. “I could see my big assed hand smack your little assed face and your little assed mouth,” Laura says. “She needs to be put in her place all the time. That’s what I don’t like about her.” You know what I don’t like about you Laura? Everything. Given your reputation, I’m surprised you feel mighty enough to put anyone in their place.

“She seems like a cool assed chick,” Gloria says. “If she wasn’t so [expletive] up mentally.” Where do these women get off? Between the both of them, they’ve birthed six out-of-wedlock children, are jobless and are completely dependent on two men who refuse to marry them. How on Earth are they in a position to question anyone’s mental capacity? Perhaps the reality show fame has gone to the Govan sisters’ heads.

Draya, Imani and Jackie meet up to eat. Now that she’s on the outs with Laura, Imani says her feelings about Draya have changed. “She kind of grew on me at the golf tournament,” she says. “I was really ready not to like this girl.” Shut up, Imani.

“Wasn’t it fun at Gloria’s thing,” Jackie asks. Before she can give anyone else a chance to answer, she continues. “What’d you think? It was so glamorous. I really prayed that the Lord blesses the situation with Laura and Imani.” I really think Jackie has forgotten that Draya and Imani are sitting with her and is actually having this conversation with her other personalities, Whitney and ‘nem.

Imani finally gets a word in edgewise. “The more time goes by, the less mad I am,” she says. “Laura has a lot of issues,” Jackie says. “She’s going to therapy,” Draya says.

“Well, she needs her money back,” Imani snipes back. Jackie looks disappointed that she didn’t know about Laura’s therapy sessions. “I didn’t know that,” Jackie says. “You think that there’s some underlying jealousy there? Gloria’s got Matt and they’re about to be married.” (Gloria just announced on Twitter that she and Matt are no longer together so there goes that theory.)

“She makes it hard for you to be mad at her,” Draya says about Laura. “No, it’s not hard for it to be mad at her,” Imani says. So much for being “less mad.”

“Draya’s not so bad is she,” Draya asks in third person. Maybe she’s speaking to Whitney and ‘nem. Imani says that Draya and Laura are switching places in the group’s heart.

Imani and Gloria go to Jackie’s house. “Just so we can relax and have some drinks by the pool,” Gloria says. The trio discuss taking a trip together. “I’m so tired,” Gloria says. “I need a break.” I wonder what from.

“I wouldn’t mind going to the Hamptons,” Imani says. I want to go to Brazil, Gloria says. Jackie objects to that. “I wouldn’t take Doug there.” Poor Doug. He probably doesn’t even know he’s being forced to go on this trip. “Seattle would be good,” Jackie says. How convenient. That’s where she’s from.

“We going to invite the chicas,” Gloria asks. Jackie asks who the chicas are. “I don’t want to invite Malaysia because she’s kind of hot and cold with me,” Gloria says. First of all, what has Malaysia ever done to Gloria? Secondly, who appointed her the Queen of England?They all make a toast and decide to take a fun filled trip to Hawaii, all while Jackie’s mother lies on her sick bed.

Draya and Malaysia meet to catch up. “Honey, you missed a lot,” Draya says. Draya fills Malaysia in on all the gossip regarding Laura. “I hate a liar and I can’t stand a two faced-ed chick,” Malaysia says.

Draya agrees. “It was me in the fire, now it’s her in the fire,” she says. “I think everybody needs to meet up and talk about it, because if it was me, it would be a group meeting and I would be getting stoned.” She’s right, but group meeting? Really?

“I guess when you get a bunch of women, it’s going to be some [BS],” Malaysia says. No Malaysia. When you get a bunch of people who sell their souls to appear on a reality show based simply on whom they’ve had children with, it’s going to be some BS. The rest of the world doesn’t act like this.

Previews: Jackie says “I’m a psychic and I think somebody going to get they behind handed to them.” I have a suspicion it’s going to be Doug. Poor Doug. Until next week…The End.

More on the Root DC

Everyday People: Finding fatherhood

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By M.T. Wiseman  |  02:13 PM ET, 10/26/2011

Categories:  The Root DC Live

 
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