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Posted at 11:32 AM ET, 11/04/2011

Basketball Wives L.A. reviewed

On this episode of Basketball Wives: LA, the women travel to Hawaii, Jackie eats a pig and one turtle may never be the same again.

I’m watching this episode at my friend Nikki’s house in sunny California. Instead of partying it up on Halloween night, Nikki is forcing me to stay in the house to watch this horror show with her. I hope I make it out alive.

Laura and Gloria go shopping for bathing suits.Gloria says she hopes everyone can get along. She asks Laura about her rift with Jackie. Her “feelings were really hurt,” Gloria says. “I don't want to talk about it anymore,” Laura says. Gloria moves on to Laura’s other nemesis. “Are you and Draya, you know, like, cordial,” she asks. After a long stretch of silence, Gloria asks, “What just happened?” I was wondering the same thing. I thought I had thankfully blacked out. “You just asked me about Draya,” Laura says. “Like I care.” “It’ll be interesting to see what Draya, you know, like, brings,” Gloria says. It will be interesting for me to see if Gloria you know, like, gets a job. “I hope Draya stays in her lane so she doesn’t get knocked out,” Laura says. “Period.” She’s so classy.

The Govan sisters try on bathing suits. “I always have a good time when I’m with my sister,” Laura says. “I’m still going to show off my cellulite.” Thanks for the warning. Laura says the other women don’t get her special brand of humor. “I make fun of me all day,” she says. Laura looks at her backside in the mirror. “That’s a flat back,” she says. Well, now that you mention it.

At Imani’s house, Imani calls a moving company she finds in the yellow pages.

Nikki: Who still has a phone book? Do they still make those?

I’m going to get Laura’s stuff out of my house,” she says. “I need my space back and my life back.” I suggest getting a job. As the movers put Laura’s things in the truck, Imani grabs a lawn chair and gossips on the phone. “I'm going to sit here and enjoy the scenery,” she says. She looks like an older version of Pearl from 227.

Commercials. VH-1 is promoting an aftershow special after this episode airs. Tami Roman from the Miami cast is hosting.

Nikki: Oh my God! What was that?

Me: That’s Laura and Jackie with one of the women from the Miami cast.

Nikki: Are you serious? I thought they were all drag queens. I thought it was a spoof.

The women finally arrive in Hawaii. I’m really sorry Hawaii. “We’re here to relax and we're going to look forward to a good time,” Jackie says.  I’m really surprised that Laura and Malaysia are there. Most mammals don’t leave their newborn babies for several days to party it up in Hawaii. But this is a reality show.

“Give me anything,” Jackie says. “Long Island Iced Tea, Sex on the Beach.” What is she, 22-years-old? I haven’t had a Sex on the Beach since Nikki and I partied at DC Live back in ‘99. Who goes all the way to Hawaii for drinks you can get at T.G.I. Fridays?

The women take a bus to their hotel. They admire the scenery.“Look at the beautiful sun,” Gloria says. The group laughs about each other’s catchphrases. Apparently, Draya says “…and youse” a lot. “And Jackie says, ‘There it is,” Gloria says. “Do I really do that,” Jackie asks. “I’m embarrassed. No seriously. Malaysia do I do that really? I'm not finding this funny. That's really gross.”

Jackie, I say the exact same thing every time I watch this show. “She has so many layers of sensitivity,” Gloria says. “It’s not even funny.” “Nobody talk to me this whole trip,” Jackie says. “Because I ain’t arguing.” “It’s not an argument,” Laura says. “Why you mad?” Imani says, “If you got beef in paradise, you just a miserable [expletive] person.” Coming from the most miserable person on this show, that has to be pretty damned miserable.

Suddenly, Jackie’s mood changes. “We’re going to eat a pig,” she says.  She sounds happy. “I don't eat pork or beef but they going to turn it over.” I have no idea what she’s talking about. I think this is one of her new personalities that we haven’t met yet. Imani reminds Jackie that they’re in paradise. “I don’t feel paradisic,” Jackie says.

The women walk into the hotel suite where they have their own personal bar. “Is this off the chain or what,” Jackie asks. “See, these is real bartenders.” They must’ve made her a Long Island Iced Tea.

Later, the women walk outside to some sort of luau. “I get laid,” Laura says as one of the greeters puts a lei around her neck.  She’s walking really strangely.

Nikki: She walks like she has a penis!

Me: She just might.

Draya refers to the luau as “a weird naked party.” “I just want to see the chicas,” Laura says. “Get they jam bam on.” Laura reminds me of every filthy old man who has hollered something disgusting at me from across the street.  She seems like she’d be most comfortable sitting on a folding chair in front of a liquor store.

The women sit at a table and eat dinner. Jackie leans over and whispers in Imani’s ear. “Look at how them two who had the fight are buddies,” she says as she points to Malaysia and Laura. I don't want another week to go by with that girl’s stuff in my house,” Imani says.

“How are you feeling about that,” Jackie asks. “I'm feeling fine,” Imani says. “Because I had it moved.” Jackie is excited. “Give me five,” Jackie says. “You feel like talking about it,” she asks coyly. Imani says that she plans to confront Laura. “I thought like ‘uh oh this is going to blow,’” Jackie says. But at that moment, Laura gets up from the table and starts doing some really strange Balki Bartokomous dance. Maybe she really does have a penis.

The hula dancers begin performing and invite the women to join them. “See they just moving they hips,” Jackie says. “Do you ever cramp up,” she asks one of the dancers.

A man referred to as the chief twirls a stick that’s on fire.  “I ain't seen you on the island,” Laura screams. “Get it boo, get it get it!” Jesus. Malaysia gets up from her seat and moves to the other side of the table. “I felt like the fire guy was a little too close to me,” she says. “Let me move over before he burn my weave hair.”

The women comment on how good the pork was at dinner. “That’s chicken I thought,” Jackie says.” “Oh my God, no! I’m going to have to stick my hand down my throat.” Again, another phrase I often utter after watching this show.

“There's a lot of reasons I don't eat pork,” Jackie says. “I don't care for it. It makes me sick.” Okay, there’s no way Jackie didn’t know she was eating pork. I don’t eat beef or pork either. Even if I accidentally tasted a tiny bit, I know immediately that it’s not chicken and I spit it out. Jackie ate an entire plate of pork and I believe she enjoyed every bit of it. From the ham hocks to the chitterlings.

“That’s chicken,” she asks one of the workers as she stands before a table with a large pig’s carcass on it.  He nods his head. “They tricked me,” she says. “I haven’t eaten pork in 10 years.”

I’m not sure what more proof Jackie needs. Perhaps for the pig’s grieving widow to walk in and identify the body? A lady comes out of the bushes singing. Jakie starts crying. “They said it was chicken,” she says while sobbing. “I ate a whole bunch of it.”

 “Well drink some water,” Laura says. Imani comforts Jackie all while this lady is still singing. “This is our first night in Hawaii,” Gloria says. “This is awesome.”

At breakfast, Imani and Jackie sit down first. “There’s a big beef brewing between Laura and Imani,” Jackie says in an interview. “What are you feeling,” Jackie asks Imani.  “Is today going to be the day?” “She really doesn’t have an argument,” Imani says. Just then, Laura approaches the table. “Here she come girl,” Jackie says. Malaysia also sits down. “When I sat down, I could feel the tension,” Malaysia says. “So I was trying to ignore it.” Just as I was about to say, “Good for you Malaysia,” I remembered her newborn twins are without their mother right now.  

Jackie apologizes to the women for her behavior the previous night. “Come on, I get it,” Laura says. “You haven’t eaten [pork] in ten years, but this is not drama class.” Jackie and Imani walk to the pool. Draya is posed on a chair like she’s at a photo shoot.

“I need some Hennessy,” Jackie says. Most normal people have orange juice or coffee at breakfast, right?  “So listen I want to jump right into it,” she says. “The whole thing with Laura.” “I’m not really thinking about Laura,” Draya says. “She ain’t spoke to me and I ain’t spoke to her.”Jackie vigorously rubs sunscreen on her legs. She’s wearing a rag on her head.

Nikki: Why does she look like a Teamster?

Ignoring Draya, Jackie continues. “I'm kind of just laying back and watching,” she says. “With all the different tensions going on, it's still some stuff that obviously needs to get worked out.” She switches into Whitney mode. “I know we’re on vacation. What should we do about this whole Laura thing?  I got to hang with you, I got to hang with you. I'm a psychic and my psychic belief is somebody is going to get they behind handed to them on a silver platter and I don't know who it's going to be.” Jackie, I’m pretty sure it’s that poor little pig that you devoured last night.

All the women take surfing lessons on the beach. “I’m excited,” Imani says. “The only setback is I've never been in the ocean.” How sad. Seventy-years-old and never been in the ocean. Malaysia says she’s going to surf despite the fact that she doesn’t know how to swim. “I'm listening to the guy and I'm like I got to pay attention,” she says. “This is life or death.”Gloria is annoyed by her castmates. “All the girls are like ‘there are sharks and I don't know how to swim,’” she says.

 Nikki: Well that is a valid concern.

The instructors make them all wear rash guards. Draya ties hers up to show off her midriff. Jackie, resembling the person who every black person in America dreads seeing on the evening news, is wearing a shower cap. All she needs now are the standard four missing bottom teeth. “If there was a time to be embarrassed, it’s now,” Gloria says. The time to be embarrassed is when you signed up for this show.

The women surf. Jackie’s shower cap blows off and is hanging on by the strands of her phonytail. Draya,who looks like she’s filming some type of surf porn, is posed on her back on her surfboard, next to the instructor.  The instructor tells them they did a good job. “And there was no sharks,” Jackie says.

The group travels to the beach. They’re all texting in the van. When they arrive on the beach, they have a picnic. Malaysia brings cookies. They notice a turtle minding its own business. Before the turtle can grab the mace out of its shell, the women run over and start photographing themselves with it. “Come on, touch it Laura,” Jackie says. “Somebody’s got to touch it!” Draya poses with the turtle first. The turtle looks dead. Laura is next. “Get on top of it Laura,” Jackie screams. I suddenly feel like I’m watching a bizarre remake of “The Accused.” Malaysia, the last person to pose, is fearful of the turtle. “Get on it Malaysia,” Jackie screams. The turtle tries to walk away. Malaysia walks with the turtle, puts her hand to her face and starts posing like L’il Magic. The turtle has had enough of this humiliation and makes its way back to the ocean to kill itself.

Laura and Imani separate themselves from the rest of the group to take a walk on the beach. Jackie is nervous. “Oh lord,” she says. As Imani and Laura compare notes, they recognize a common theme. They pinpoint Jackie as the source of their rift. “After a point, it became clear that it came from one person,” Imani says. Meanwhile, Jackie’s paranoia is getting the best of her. “I didn’t know we was having the Oprah moment now,” she says to the other women. “You're having a sidebar. It'll only divide us and let the outsiders have a better chance of getting in.” At this point, it seems it’s only Malaysia now who is listening. 

Nikki: Do you think Malaysia's awake right now?

“I share everything and vice versa,” Jackie says. “And that’s how we got to be in this group.” Gloria becomes skeptical. “I’m starting to think ‘why are you so invested in this,’” she says.

Imani and Laura agree not to disclose the details of their conversation. They return to the spot of the picnic and turtle assault. “And what happened with y'all,” Jackie asks. “We talked,” Imani says. “I told Laura how I felt. Laura told me how she felt and we agreed to disagree.” Jackie is unhappy with that answer. “All the talking behind people’s backs is stupid,” she says. “But talking in front of each other is better.” I think she means talking in front of her is better. “Yeah, I’m just going to enjoy the sunset,” Gloria says.

The group returns to the hotel. Draya and Jackie talk alone. “Laura is the devil,” Jackie says. “That’s all there is [expletive] to it.” Draya looks like she wants to join the turtle. “I have an idea who the culprit is,” Jackie says. “I know for a fact that Imani and Laura had a conversation.

What they conversated about, God only knows. I’m tired of it.” And here comes Whitney. “Now I got a problem with it. If I wanted to start some [expletive] with Imani, I would’ve started it a long time ago.

When I told Imani about what she had said, she called me seven in the morning, woke my husband up and dumps all this [expletive] on me and says, ‘I just got off the phone with J and she’s a hater.’ “I want to have a conversation with Imani,” Jackie says. “I put all my [expletive] on the line. I don’t need any side bars. You better be glad I gave you a pass because anybody else, I would’ve slapped them in their [expletive] mouth. She needs to sit down and say exactly what you said to Laura.”

Draya attempts to talk sense into the mad woman. “You can just ignore that,” Draya says. Jackie instead, ignores Draya. “Ain’t no telling what Imani and Laura talked about,” she says. “That’s why they need to talk to me!” “I don’t see the big deal,” Draya says. “I don’t want our vacation to be ruined because of this.”

“Oh it's not going to be ruined” Jackie says. “Um um, we going up to her room tonight!  We going to figure it out. Laura is the devil. That’s all there is to it. A smiling devil. She done pissed me off. Cheers to that!”

Imani, Laura and Malaysia have a late night chat. “I know Jackie's bumping her gums and I know it's nothing positive,” Laura says. “She manipulates everything.” Malaysia chimes in. “I’ve been thinking this whole time that y’all been talking about me, that y’all don’t really like me,” she says. We see a flashback of the episode where Jackie tells Malaysia that the rest of the group thinks she’s too preachy. “What do you think, Imani,” Malaysia asks. “My mind hurts,” Imani says. 

Nikki: Why does Imani look like she's been like beaten?

“I totally don't believe anything Jackie has said to me about what Laura has said about me,” Imani says. “Any anger that I have towards Laura is now directed at Jackie.” “I’m thinking you’re older, you’re more mature,” Laura says of Jackie. “You're older and you're killing me!”

Nikki: I just don't understand. They're so dramatic.

Me: They’re talking about their very real problems Nicole.

Nikki: Well can’t they at least look nice while they do it?

“She wants us to hate everybody else and love her,” Imani says. “Where do we go from here,” Laura asks. “We confront her,” Imani says. “My brain is overloaded.”

Nikki: Why does she look like she’s in a crack house?!

Malaysia says their conversation should stay between the three of them. “And don’t treat her no different,” she says.

Previews: In the words of Jackie, “On the next Baskie Ball Wives, L.A.” The women collectively turn on Jackie. Jackie goes nuts. Until next week…The End.

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