On this episode of Basketball Wives: L.A., Jackie’s gossiping comes back to bite her. In Hawaii, it’s The Lord of the Flies and Jackie is Piggy.
At the Turtle Bay resort, the women all climb into a bus that will drop them off to go horseback riding. “I so ain’t with the BS today,” Draya says. Me either. I’ve watched 10 episodes of this show. My patience is thin. “I ain’t even got a joke for y’all today” she says. She goes back on her promise. “Knock knock,” Draya says. “Who’s there,” Gloria asks. “Not me,” Draya says. Ha! Corny, but funny.
When they arrive at their destination, Draya says she wants to ride on the gray horse. “You don’t want to get on a horse who don’t want you,” Imani says. Somehow, I think she was trying to get a dig in at somebody, but it ends up sounding like a dig at herself. Afterall, she was a fiancée of nine years. If you ask me, that sounds like getting on a horse who don’t want you.
In an interview, Jackie shares that she didn’t want to go horseback riding with the other women. “I felt like going horseback riding was a mask to cover up their issues,” she says. I love how Jackie has all of a sudden decided that everyone else has issues, but her. Her horse neighs and pulls away.
“That evil spirit,” Draya says. “The horses know.” Draya is all kinds of hilarious this episode. I don’t appreciate her trying to make me enjoy this show. Jackie’s horse begins to buck. “This one’s a little bit too feisty for me,” she says. “I want another one.”
Something tells me she said the same thing about her first three husbands. “The comments you’re making is not funny,” Jackie says about Draya. Though something tells me she took Draya’s evil spirit comment seriously, because she makes the sign of the cross while riding.
“At this point, I know who Jackie Christie is,” Imani says. “She is controlling manipulative, a little bit crazy.” She’s just now finding this out? Did she not read all the stories about the Christie’s crazy marriage? And was she not sitting right up there with Jackie snickering, giggling and gossiping? Okay, because I just want to be sure.
Jackie’s horse begins to trot which scares her. “Shut the [expletive] up and ride the horse,” Laura says in an interview. “You do everything wrong because you’re so dramatic and fake.” Hmm, I see Laura is making a return to the Laura we saw at the beginning of the season.
The one who got that two-piece handed to her by Malaysia. Horses are beautiful and gentle animals, but they’re also huge and very strong. They can be intimidating to someone who isn’t used to riding. I can understand Jackie being frightened. That’s about all the sympathy I can extend to Jackie.
Back at the hotel, Gloria senses that something is about to go down. “Enjoy it now before Kooky comes in,” Laura says. Gloria asks what’s going on. Where has she been for the past 24 hours? For the sake of the viewers, I guess, Imani recalls how she and Laura found out that Jackie has bee the source of their rift.
Jackie walks in with Draya. Her Spidey sense tingles and she senses something is up. “All the girls are already there,” Jackie says. “There’s tension in the air.”
“What’s up Imani,” Jackie says. “I called you; you ain’t call back.” “I wasn’t taking no calls last night,” Imani says. “What’s up,” Jackie asks again. This time, very aggressively. “Why are you on the defensive,” Laura asks in an interview. “Because you’re craa-zy.”
Imani didn’t have the courage to confront Jackie, so Laura takes over. “I have never in my life been so misconscrewed,” Laura says “So for things to have been said that I said, it just wasn’t true.” Yeah you’re going to have to translate that one on your own folks. I don’t speak whatever language that was.
“No let me stop you right now,” Jackie says. Laura asks for Jackie to let her finish. “You don’t even know what I’m talking about,” Laura says. “Yes I do know what I’m talking about,” Jackie says. “I’m not a kid.” Clearly. “When you get a group of people together, you’re going to get different stories,” Jackie says.
Laura protests. A new, scarier personality emerges from the body of Jackie. Scarier than Whitney. Jackie’s eyes narrow, her lips pull back from her teeth. This is the emergence of Jackiesaurus Rex.
“Lying, manipulative little sneaky [expletive],” Jackie says to Laura. “That’s what you are, so you don’t want me to interrupt you. Everything you do is a [expletive] lie! My [expletive] problem with myself is I got in the middle of things. Everybody’s in it. Everybody runs their [expletive] mouths, including Malaysia!”
Malaysia looks surprised that her name was mentioned. Gloria, in an interview, says that Jackie is going after the underdog in targeting Malaysia. Malaysia is one of only two wives on this show, so I’m curious as to how Gloria has labeled her as the underdog. “Seriously,” Malaysia says. “Malaysia don’t run her mouth.”
Jackiesaurus turns her attention away from Laura and onto Malaysia who is sitting in the corner. “You’re over there,” she tells Malaysia. “I’mma deal with you next. You best shut the [expletive] up Malaysia. “You don’t want no [expletive] beef. “Whatever,” Malaysia says.
After what seems like an eternity of them both telling each other to stay in each other’s respective lanes,” Jackie calms down a bit. “Malaysia, just be quiet,” she says. “I think you’re misconscrewed. When I talk to each of you guys I’m trying to help,” she says. “I love all of y’all.”
“I would like to think Jackie is crazy,” Malaysia says in an interview. “Because if she’s crazy, then we can get help for that. But if she’s just evil, there’s no help for that.” Ha! Malaysia has the naiveté and rationale of a child. She does seem to try to find the good in people.
“Who cares,” Jackie says. “What I’m saying right now is, you said what you said, I said what I said.” “So when you walk out this room, you’re not going to tell nobody,” Laura asks Jackie.
“No,” Jackie answers. “I ain’t even going to tell Doug. I’m sorry. I should’ve never said anything. You need to get to know me. I wear a 36C bra, going to be getting a boob job soon. I have a big booty. I love Doug. I’m a Leo. I was born in Seattle. My daughter hates me, well one of them. I have three kids. I don’t know what more you need to know.”
Malaysia thankfully puts an end to Jackie’s rambling and calls everyone’s attention to the view outside their window. “Oh my God, it’s beautiful and I think that we are in paradise,” she says. “I’m not in paradise,” Imani says. “I’m in hell.” So do Hawaii a favor and go home.
The women all decide to go shopping, but not before Jackie makes a surprise visit to Imani’s hotel room. Yes! “I’ve been genuine and my feelings is devastated,” she tells Imani. “You were my sister. I had no idea it would be blown to the point where it’s at now. I think Laura was scared and she kept trying to piece it together.”“I really don’t feel like talking to her right now,” Imani says in an interview. “I want her out of my room.”
Draya sits in the lobby waiting for the other women. Gloria and Laura walk in and join her. “You don’t understand what the hell’s really going on,” Laura asks Draya. Draya insists that she doesn’t. “I’m looking at you and I’m like she’s smart. I ain’t worried about Draya.”
Draya says that she’s listening to everything Laura is saying and trying to make sense of it. Good luck with that Draya. I gave up after two episodes.
“What y’all talk about last night,” Draya asks. Laura recalls the conversation she had with Imani and Malaysia where they discovered Jackie had been gossiping about them all. “I like Jackie,” Draya says. “And I trust her, but I don’t want to get burned.” “I don’t want to tell you who to be friends with,” Gloria says. “I like Jackie; I adjust to her levels of sensitivity.”
Imani, Jackie and Malaysia join the rest of the women in the lobby. “It’s a lot of evil going on and I really try to distance myself from all that,” Jackie says. It cracks me up how Jackie is playing the victim. The women board the bus to go shopping. “I don’t carry grudges,” Jackie says. “I keep saying these girls are childish but I’m going to try to keep a positive attitude.”
The women shop for shoes. Draya notices that Jackie is lingering in the store. “Soon as you stop, she’s going to get you,” Draya says. She makes her sound like Freddy Krueger. Freddy reaches out and grabs Imani. “How are you feeling,” Jackie asks Imani. “Tired,” Imani responds. What else is new?
“You have to be extremely delusional to think you can pick out a pair of cute shoes and all is forgiven,” Imani says in an interview. Of course she says none of this to Jackie’s face. “She’s like ‘yeah those are fly Gloria, those are cute,’” Gloria says. “I’m like why are you talking to me.” Shut up, Gloria. They all act as if Jackie sucker punched a litter of newborn puppies.
“God is good,” Jackie says. “He never fails me, Imani. You’ll see. Cream always rises to the top.” Man, Jackie is exhausting! “Who does that at her age,” Laura asks. Laura, who does this at your age?
“I just want to enjoy my vacation,” Jackie says. “Everybody has said, including you Imani, the girl is a [expletive] liar. Give it up Jackie.
Commercials:A preview for ‘Love and Hip Hop.’ Had this been1990 and a documentary on MC Lyte, Monie Love and Queen Latifah, I would be glued to my television. Unfortunately, it’s another show featuring a group of violent women in ill-fitting clothing, applying cake make-up, texting on bedazzled blackberries and staring out of windows. Hate.
The women go on a sunset cruise. It looks really beautiful. A man asks, “Would anybody like to drive the boat?” Gloria volunteers. Jackie starts up again. “You know one thing that’s important to me,” she asks. “Making sure everybody is okay at all times.” Oh, Jackie. “You just got to be worried about you,” Draya says. “You can’t please everybody.”
Draya says that Jackie is glued to her at the hip and she wants to help her. “Everybody don’t have the same integrity that I might have and it can be misconscrewed,” Jackie says. “That’s why I stay with Doug. He knows my heart.” He also knows you’re crazy and likely fears for his life. “And I want to [expletive] somebody up right now,” Jackie says as she fights back tears. “And I can’t stand an evil lying scandalous [expletive] or [expletives].” It’s amazing how she can go from zero to Whitney in a heartbeat.
“I can’t figure nothing out,” Imani says. “At this point, I don’t want to be here.” Then by all means, please leave. “When is it all going to end,” Jackie moans. “When is it allll going to end?” I ask that every episode.
Doug arrives. “If I’m going away on a vacation, even if I’m going for three days,” Jackie says. “My hubby is coming.” I can’t say it enough, poor Doug. Doug and Jackie have dinner alone. “I just want to salvage my sanity,” Jackie says. That’s even more hilarious.
It’s not about trying to be friends with everybody,” Doug says. He kisses Jackie’s tattooed hand. “I love you,” he says. This is both sad and sickening at the same time. “You’ve got to make sure you’re doing what you need to do,” Doug says.
“Ooh it’s raining!” Jackie says as she cuts him off before he can finish his sentence. “How appropriate for a [expletive] up day. “It feels kind of good actually,” Doug says. Jackiesaurus cuts him off again. “I wish all of them were sitting around this table,” she says. “And it was just raining on them and I was just staring in their eyes telling them what kind of idiots…lying, cheating, sneaky, that’s why they ain’t got no men, and the men they do got ain’t no good.”
Doug, appearing exhausted, rubs his eyes. “If that’s how you’re going to be, if you’re going to be messy, I’m going to share what I know,” Jackie says. “Maybe that shouldn’t have been what I done.” Does she even realize Doug is still sitting there? I don’t even think he does.
“I really want to see which one got some kind of backbone,” Jackie says. “It might be Draya and it just might be Gloria. The rest of them is a lost cause. Especially the big one.” None of these women, including Jackie are what I would consider big, so I’m not sure who she is referring to. Nevermind.
“Imani,” Jackie says. “For her to sit here and play this game, but then again that’s why you was never a wife. I didn’t judge her for it.” Clearly you did.
“You got to let them stand up and be women,” Doug says. I wish Doug would finally stand up and be a woman. How long can he sit there and listen to Jackiesaurus ramble on like this? Has he really been doing this for 16 years?
“I’ve given myself to all of them and it wasn’t pacificated nor appreciated,” Jackie says. “I’m the first lady of the [expletive] league,” she says. “You little punks is new to this; I’m true to this.” “You want to flog them,” Doug asks. “I want to take a stone and stone they [expletive].” Doug laughs. “And then I want to throw some hot water on them and tell them ‘alright now go find you a [expletive] husband,’” Jackie says. “I’ll show you how to keep your marriage.”
Oh my God. “I think everybody’s intimidated by me,” Jackie says. I think Doug is intimidated by her. “Look where I’m at and look where you’re at,” she says to Laura. Only Laura isn’t there. “You’re nothing. I’m everything.” I think she meant that last statement for Doug.
Back at the hotel, all the women, minus Jackie meet with each other. Malaysia says she just got off of the phone with another basketball wife who informed her that Jackie had been gossiping about them all again. Wouldn’t Malaysia talking to this woman be considered gossiping too? Allegedly, Jackie said both of the Govan sisters had slept with other men. Neither of them bat an eye.
She also allegedly said that Draya is loose and Malaysia is a [expletive] stirrer. Draya looks confused and a little hurt. Jackie walks in. “Let’s get straight to the point,” Malaysia says. “You said that Imani was unstable and that Laura slept with [name censored]. “We collectively believe there’s so much [expletive],” Laura says. “Yeah and you know what Laura,” Jackie says. Laura cuts her off. “Jackie, we feel like it’s coming from you,” she says. “We feel at this point you need to go.”
“Yeah,” Gloria says as she sits hidden behind her sister like a toadie. “We voted!” Shut up Gloria. Jackie curses up a storm. Laura gets up and commands the others to follow her. Jackie follows them, continuing to curse them out. “That’s [expletive] up Jackie,” Draya says. “Because the room had a bug in it,” Jackie screams at Draya. I’m not sure if she’s referring to a recording device or an actual insect.
“I’m defending not only myself,” Jackie says. “I’m defending the truth. Laura’s a [expletive]. Draya and Malaysia are really childish.” Jackie goes back to her hotel room where Doug is resting. “I just want my husband,” she says.
The rest of the women climb in the bus again. “Say goodbye to tacky Jackie,” Draya says. The women all laugh. The same women who all ganged up on her with a police report they printed off the Internet. “I’m so glad she’s out of here,” Gloria says. Stupid [expletive] old dragon queen. How old are you Gloria? You might as well have called her Senora Dumb Dumb Poopy Pants.
Jackie and Doug check out of the hotel. “It was tons of lies; tons of games,” Jackie says. “I’m glad that I came,” Doug says. “Got a chance to see some of Hawaii.” Poor Doug. He seems like he’s been on Prozac this whole time.
Jackie says when she goes home she’ll get some holy water to sprinkle. I hope she uses a little on herself. I do think Jackie is nuts, but I don’t think she’s completely lying. I think they’ve all talked about each other at some point with Jackie being the ringleader. I don’t think any of these women are as innocent as they’re claiming.
The other women swim in a lake and learn a Hawaiian dance. A lady plays a song for them on a flute using her nose. The lady tells them that Hawaiians believe air from the nose is cleaner than air from the mouth because we say vile things when we’re angry. “Yes!” Imani shouts. I’m assuming she’s forgotten she referred to a woman she barely knew as worthless.
They get together for a farewell dinner. Gloria is wearing what appear to be compact discs as earrings. “Are you guys ready to go home,” Gloria asks. “No” Laura says. “Yes!” Laura’s newborn infant says.
The group reminisces about their favorite parts of their trip. “At this point, I would consider all these ladies my friends,” Imani says. They talk about Jackie. “We should get her a medal,” Malaysia says. “Best psychotic [expletive] on earth!”
Wow, that’s not very Christ like Malaysia. I think Malaysia is drunk. “This chick is super, super dangerous,” Malaysia says. “She can make up stories.” She makes Jackie sound like some type of comic book villan with nerd powers. “She layed eggs in all of our brains,” Draya says. “She’s the mama dinosaur and she’s coming back for her babies.” Jackiesaurus Rex, indeed.
Previews: The last episode of the season! Draya is receiving calls from a blocked number. Could it be Jackiesaurus? Until next week…The End.
M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington Metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian related.
Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman