Just like a tumor that refuses to go away, the original installment of Basketball Wives is back and with a malignant vengeance. For no explained reason, all the women are being filmed in New York instead of Miami. They’ve also added two new women to the cast.
Evelyn meets with her wedding planner, Diane. Diane has enough weave sewn in her head to make a coat for a small child. Evelyn tells Diane that she’s happy to be getting married. “I believe everything that’s supposed to happen, happens.” Diane says.
There’s a plate with a mountain of calamari sitting between them on the table and neither one of them eats it. The big fat lady who lives inside me wants to devour that calamari. Her name is LaWanda. No wonder these women are so angry all of the time. They’re starving.
“I’m glad that I waited,” Evelyn says. “I’m happy with Chad.” I’m sure she’s mostly happy with Chad’s money. We’re forced to watch a replay of their extremely brief and stupid relationship. “Not only does he adore you,” Diane says. “He wants the whole world to know.”
I prefer that he keep it to himself. Evelyn tells Diane that she and Chad have a combined five children together and that they are her focus. After some more boring, scripted conversation, the two women toast to Ochocinco love. LaWanda and I hurl. I hope Evelyn isn’t pathetic enough to legally take on the name “Ochocinco.” That would really be sad.
Jennifer and Suzie meet up with each other. Suzie tells Jennifer that she now lives in New York and she left all her things in Miami. Wait a minute. Where are Suzie’s children? Did she uproot them and move them to New York, or are they living on their own on some houseboat in Miami like Pippi Longstocking?
Jennifer says she’s always lived in New York and that her family is there. Suzie asks if Jennifer has spoken to her ex-husband, Eric. Jennifer says that they’ve only exchanged text messages and she has not spoken with him since he threw a drink in her face.
“What man throws drinks,” Suzie asks. I agree. That was lame. “I wanted to start fresh,” Jennifer says. “I didn’t want any reminders of him.” Too bad she’s on a show named Basketball Wives. It’s a constant reminder that she’s the ex-wife of Eric Williams.
Jennifer asks Suzie if she’s spoken to any of the other women on the show. Suzie says she speaks to Tami once in a while and that she thinks that Royce may be mad at her. Jennifer says that she thinks Royce is immature and doesn’t have a lot of friends. I think that goes for everyone on this show. Jennifer says that she talks to Shaunie all the time. Considering that Shaunie is their boss, I’m sure she does.
Suzie asks about Evelyn. Jennifer says that Evelyn is angry with her, but she doesn’t know why. Suzie says that she’s surprised that Jennifer and Evelyn are on the outs because they’ve been friends for 10 years. “It’s going to be interesting,” Suzie says. “It always is,” Jennifer says. Okay, that had better be a promise, because I swear this is the most boring thing I’ve watched all year. LaWanda wants to change the channel and eat some Doritos.
Royce meets with Kesha, one of the new cast members. She says that Kesha is a dancer that she knows through mutual friends. I highly doubt that. Kesha tells Royce that this is the nine-year anniversary of her living in New York.
“Oh I thought you were about to say marriage,” Royce says. Kesha says she just celebrated her two year anniversary of her non-wedding to Richard Jefferson. Royce gasps with feigned surprise. “Wasn’t it, like the day of and he just couldn’t do it,” Royce asks. Didn’t she just say that she knew this girl? Kesha tells Royce that she was heartbroken over Richard for a long time, but she’s over it now. “Now I’m working on my dance company,” Kesha says. “What does your dance company specialize in?” Royce asks in a very stilted scripted manner.
I’d swear that these women were reading off of cue cards if I didn’t suspect that most of them are illiterate. Royce is dressed like Debbie Gibson. She’s wearing this electric blue leather jacket with silver zippers all over it and some big hoop earrings with big daggers sticking out of them. How can I describe this? Remember how you and your roommates would go shopping for an outfit for Homecoming, and you made the mistake of buying your entire outfit from one store? That’s Royce. Contempo Casuals looks like it just got cleaned out.
Royce says that Kesha is a breath of fresh air and that it was cool to meet a lead dancer like she is. Okay. Kesha tells Royce that she’ll soon meet Kenya Bell, the other new cast member. “She was married to Charlie Bell,” Kesha says. “He played for Milwaukee when Richard played for Milwaukee, so I know her from there.”
She’s speaking in the same stilted way that Royce was. I’m thinking she just rehearsed this line in the bathroom. Kesha asks Royce about the other women on the show. Royce tells Kesha to form her own opinion. I think that’s a smart decision on Royce’s part considering that the mere mention of one of these women’s names, results in drinks being thrown in one’s face.
And now we catch up with the classiest of all Basketball Wives, Tami. She struts down the street wearing what I can only describe as burnt Funions dangling from her ears. “Nothing can ever take the place of New York,” Tami says. “But I got tired of living here. I do a lot of back forth.” I guess it’s relatively easy to pick up and move when you have no job. They used to call those people hobos. Now they call them Basketball Wives. Tami is the new Boxcar Willie.
Tami meets with Evelyn at a café. They both complain about the cold weather, yet they’re both seated outside. They both stick to the script and pretend to care about what’s going on in each other’s lives. “So what’s been going on,” Tami asks. “I don’t talk to nobody,” Evelyn says. Evelyn tells Tami that she’s no longer friends with Jennifer. Tami is surprised. “There’s no way,” Tami asks. “Our friendship has run its course,” Evelyn says. So has this show. No one cares.
Kesha introduces Royce to Kenya. “I’m currently married to Charlie Bell,” Kenya says. “Hopefully we’ll be divorced soon.” I think that’s a requirement for this show. Happy marriages need not apply. The women make small talk about Kenya’s singing career and a whole bunch of nothing else. I wish I could say this was the end, but there’s more.
Royce and Suzie meet in a diner. Royce says that Suzie threw her under the bus with the rest of the women. Suzie says she didn’t. Blah, Blah, Blah where are these women’s children?!
Suzie and Kesha meet for dinner. “My first impression was, wait a minute,” Suzie says. “This doesn’t look like a Kesha and she sounds like a redneck hillbilly.” Oh Suzie. What exactly does a Kesha look like? Keisha Knight-Pulliam? Keisha Castle-Hughes? Keyshia Cole? I suspect that Kesha’s fair skin makes her less of a believable Kesha in Suzie’s eyes.
Unfortunately for Suzies around the world, the name Suzie is now represented by some ignorant, lisping, cheetah-print tunic wearing bama with crooked bangs. Suzie tells Kesha, the redneck hillbilly, that dating in Miami is horrible and that she’s seven years away from 40.
Well I for one thought Suzie was already 40. Kesha says that Suzie seems like a sweet person, but that she won’t share her deepest darkest secrets with her. No, but you will go on a reality show and share them with millions of viewers. That makes sense.
Tami meets with Jennifer to get to the bottom of why she and Evelyn are on the outs. Jennifer has apparently recently visited the X-Men and borrowed Scott Summers’ sunglasses. She’s wearing them inside the restaurant. She’s also wearing some kind of Captain Caveman fur vest that her weave has blended into.
Tami walks in. She’s still wearing the burnt Funion earrings. Jennifer takes the sunglasses off and reveals that she’s wearing those same damned blue contact lenses she was wearing in previous seasons. I want her to put the sunglasses back on immediately. The two women have the same stupid conversation that we’ve watched in every scene in this episode.
“What’s going on? Who have you talked to?” They eventually get on the subject of Evelyn. “Evelyn is not on my radar,” Jennifer says. “Y’all are the weirdest best friends I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” Tami says. I agree with Boxcar Willie on that one.
Suzie and Jennifer meet Kesha and Kenya at some type of lounge. Apparently, ugly vests are the new thing in fashion. Suzie is wearing some weird multicolored one and Kesha is wearing one that looks like it was sheared from a sheep’s behind. Meanwhile, Jennifer is being really extra. She’s laying on the snob act really thick. “I’m real skeptical about meeting new people,” Jennifer says. “Chicks can be a lot of drama.” In your experience, Jennifer, I’d say that so can husbands.
Suzie applies about a liter of lip gloss and asks the women sexual questions. “Are we in my living room or are we like in public,” Kesha asks in an interview. Actually Kesha, you’re in my living room and you’re making LaWanda and me very uncomfortable. I’m sure you’ve seen this show and you still decided to sign up. Now is not the time to act like you’re above it all. Jennifer says in an interview that Kesha and Kenya seem cool but that the jury is still out on them. Okay, Jennifer is beyond extra now. She’s at ultra. She’s getting on my nerves. “I can have drinks with anyone,” she says. Well not with your ex-husband. Not unless you want one in your face
Tami, Royce, Kesha and Kenya meet for lunch. “Are you white,” Tami asks Kesha immediately. Are you female, Tami? Because you know, sometimes, I just can’t tell. How rude. “I’m mixed,” Kesha says. “Black and white.” Tami asks how the new women how their meeting with Jennifer and Suzie went. “I like bougie people,” Kenya says. “And Jen is bougie.”
Tami meets with Jennifer and Suzie to report back what Kesha and Kenya said about them. Tami is sitting on the edge of the chair with her legs open with a drink in her hand. She looks like someone’s uncle. “I thought Kesha was pretty normal,” Suzie says. “She didn’t think you were,” Tami says. Suzie is offended. Tami tells Jennifer that Kenya thinks Jennifer is bougie. Jennifer is offended. They all walk out on their tippy toes in their ridiculous looking high heels. This show is so dumb.
At another lounge, Shaunie appears with Evelyn, Jennifer, Tami and Suzie. Jennifer and Evelyn don’t speak to each other. “I hope they’ll put their friendship of 14 years first,” Tami says. I thought it was 10 years. Whatever. I don’t care.
“I’m clueless,” Jennifer says. “So Evelyn, you have the floor.”
Oh my God. Evelyn is wearing a Captain Caveman vest too! How did these things become stylish? They look like something that should be thrown in front of the fireplace. Or in it. Evelyn recalls the fight with Jennifer in Rome where Jennifer expressed her feelings about Chad on a radio show. “We squashed it,” Evelyn said. “Months later, you want to start blogging your feelings.” God this show is so stupid.
Evelyn says that she made comments about Jennifer going after the same kind of man. Jennifer then blogged about those comments. “First of all, my publicist writes the blog,” Jennifer says. “You didn’t approve the blog,” Evelyn asks.
Wait a minute. These women have publicists? Even Boxcar Willie? Jennifer says in an interview, that the blog is no big deal to her. “I’m probably sipping champagne on a yacht,” she says. “I’m in Italy. I’m sure my publicist won’t write anything crazy.” Ultra.
Evelyn is growing increasingly angry. Her face looks like it’s made of concrete and her nostrils have grown to the size of quarters. She calls Jennifer a retard. “If you had an issue, talk about it in private,” Evelyn says. “Okay, do you want an apology from me for the blog,” Jennifer asks. Evelyn tells Jennifer to tone it down before she punches her in the face. I notice there are camera flashes going off. I think people are taking pictures of these fools. How embarrassing this all must be for their children.
Shaunie and Tami attempt to make peace. “If you guys are friends, nobody should’ve given up,” Tami says. Jennifer says that she and Evelyn don’t have to be friends but that they shouldn’t be enemies. Evelyn says that Jennifer is her enemy and that she does not want to be in her presence. Jennifer begins to cry. “Take your crocodile tears and talk to your publicist,” Evelyn says. I hope all of Chad’s children’s mothers are watching. Here is your children’s future stepmother. Isn’t she awesome?
Previews for this season: Jen and Evelyn have a physical confrontation. Royce auditions for a play. Evelyn plans her wedding and gets a car. Kasha and Kenya fight. Evelyn threatens to beat someone with a bottle of wine. Happy Black History Month.
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