On this episode of “Basketball Wives,” Jennifer ignores the group, Suzie plays informant and Kenya seems a little fishy.
Kesha has flown home, but the women are still leaving their beastly mark all over Tahiti. Evelyn, Shaunie and Tami take a sunset cruise. Tami, the Incredible Hobo Hulk, appears to have calmed down and sobered up a bit since her fight with Kesha. “We should be able to have an adult conversation,” Tami says. Apparently, Tami suffers from short-term memory. There are no conversations with this woman, only bullying and violence on her part. The women relax and take in the scenery.
Shaunie’s Mabel wig blows wildly in the wind. Evelyn and Shaunie are sipping some type of fruity cocktails. Tami, the aristocrat, drinks beer from a bottle with a straw. They appear almost human. Suddenly, they spot Jennifer seated on the patio of her room. Tami contemplates whether they should speak to Jennifer.
“Let’s just sail on by and act like we don’t see each other,” Shaunie says. How gracious of you, Mabel. Evelyn is upset that Jennifer’s room is in close proximity to hers. “Yo, she’s two [expletive] bungalows away from me,” Evelyn says. Evelyn says Jennifer is a “fake little Barbie doll.” “Just be real and honest about who you are,” she says. This coming from a woman sporting bleached blonde hair and a pair of giant breast implants. If Jennifer is Barbie, then surely Evelyn is Barbie’s cheap cousin, P.J.
Suzie meets Jennifer for lunch or maybe it was dinner. Whatever. The scenery brings back memories for Jennifer. “I kind of have a lot of emotions,” she says. “This really reminds me of Maldives, my honeymoon.” “Are you regretting coming?” Suzie asks. “Not yet,” Jennifer says. I’m just going to assume that it’s in Jennifer’s contract that she has to be on this trip.
Otherwise, I can’t see why she’d want to be in the company of these people again. Suzie asks Jennifer if she’ll talk to Evelyn. Jennifer says no. “I don’t really care what anybody has to say. I’m not tolerating abuse, period. I’m lawyered up.” “Are you worried about making the situation worse by doing that?” Suzie asks. “I didn’t do anything wrong,” Jennifer says. I can’t argue with that.
The triumvirate of ogres returns from the sunset cruise. “Everybody was hawngry,” Tami says. They spot Suzie at the bar. I hope they don’t eat her. She’s feared cannibalism this whole trip. “What’s up, Sooz,” Evelyn says. Immediately, Suzie begins to spill all the details of her conversation with Jennifer. “So Jen just left,” she says.
“I told her about Kesha leaving. She mentioned she wanted to talk to you,” she says to Shaunie. “I asked her if she wanted to talk to you,” she says to Evelyn. Evelyn looks surprised. “She said no,” Suzie says. Ha! Suzie tells them that Jennifer says Tahiti reminds her of her honeymoon with Eric. The ogres are not pleased. “She just always wants to brag,” Evelyn says. “She’s been everywhere,” Tami says. “She has,” Evelyn says. “Literally.” Shut up, P.J.
Shaunie asks what Jennifer wants to talk to her about. “About everything,” Suzie says. “Neither I or Shaunie has done anything,” Tami says. “And [Jennifer] still hasn’t tried to keep in contact with us.” Why has Tami inserted herself into this? Suzie never even mentioned her. She’s so pressed to be in the mix. Shaunie and I decide that we’re going to talk to Jen first and let her know that [she] created this bed of [expletive],” Tami says. Either Tami is high and therefore delusional, or she’s just that desperate to remain relevant.
The next day, the triumvirate of ogres has breakfast with their pet weasel, Suzie. I don’t even know if all these scenes are taking place on the same day. I don’t care. I just want this season to be over. These people are all so putrid. The ogres are upset because Jennifer and Kenya haven’t announced their presence to them.
“I’m a little bothered by the lack of common courtesy by saying, ‘Hey, I’m here,” Shaunie says. Is it that serious? Is she taking attendance? If Shaunie is so offended that Jennifer and Kenya haven’t shown themselves to her majesty’s court, then why did she and her minions hide from Jennifer when they were on the sunset cruise? Even more upsetting to the ogres is that Kenya hasn’t complained yet about the rotting fish they left in her room. “How could you not smell that?” Evelyn asks.
Not everyone was born with nostrils like yours, Evelyn. Shaunie and Tami walk to Kenya’s room and invite her to join them at breakfast with Evelyn and Suzie. Kenya accepts. When Kenya arrives, she pushes her chair back away from the table. According to Tami, this is an indication that Kenya is crazy. I think it’s completely understandable considering Kenya was assaulted the last time she sat across from these women. “So what you been doing?” Tami asks. Clearly, Tami is fishing for information on Jennifer. Kenya can barely answer before Tami fires off more questions.
“What happened on the plane?” she asks. “Was anything said?” Kenya says Jennifer was upset about being slapped in the face. “Did she tell you she asked the person to do it?” Tami asks. Wait a minute, what? Is this another one of Tami’s Texas textbook revisionist history lessons? Jennifer never asked to be hit by Evelyn’s baldheaded assistant. Why is she lying? “I know she’s very upset,” Kenya says. “I don’t understand why she’s upset,” Tami says. I wish I were given a free trip to Tahiti. I’d tap on Tami’s window every night, wearing a goalie’s mask. Apparently, Kenya isn’t jovial enough for the ogres. Shaunie wants to know why. “You seem upset,” Shaunie says. “I had a bottle thrown at me,” Kenya says. “I’m not happy,” Kenya says.
Ha! Kenya glares at Evelyn, who is seated across from her, looking very nervous and constipated. “And what do you want me to say?” Evelyn asks. “I’m sorry for throwing a bottle?” Yeah, I think that’s what she was getting at, Evelyn. “When I’m angry, I see red,” Evelyn says. What is wrong with Evelyn? What she did was not some innocent mistake. She threw a wine bottle at Kenya’s head, which could have seriously harmed Kenya or someone else.
She acts as if she accidentally broke Dr. Huxtable’s juicer while making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the kitchen with Peter. “Do you accept the apology?” Tami asks Kenya. Did I miss something? I’ll admit, I do drift off to my happy place most of the time this show is on, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t hear anything that even remotely sounded like an apology from Evelyn.
“As a grown woman with two little kids, I think there are better ways to handle it than throwing a bottle,” Kenya says. That’s the most intelligent thing I’ve heard said on this show. “I respect the fact that you apologized,” Kenya says. And that was the dumbest. “Are you okay?” Shaunie asks Kenya. “Look how you’re looking at me.” Isn’t that physically impossible? “You’re scaring me a little bit,” Shaunie says.
So, Evelyn hurls a bottle over Shaunie’s head, Tami flails around like some disgruntled wildebeest on any given day, but it’s Kenya who scares her? “So you are a little bit crazy? Shaunie asks. “I am,” Kenya says. Kenya’s making weird beady eyes and shaking. I think she’s overdoing it a bit, but I understand.
My father says if you’re in a situation where you can’t beat your opponent, act crazy and the person will leave you alone. It looks like Kenya’s strategy is working. They move on to Jennifer.
The ogres decide to summon Jennifer out of her room. Instead of going to Jennifer’s room themselves, they have Kenya do it. Jennifer and Kenya walk to lunch, passing Suzie and the ogres. “It’s so pretty here,” Jennifer says, completely oblivious to the trolls who are gawking at her on the other side of the pool. Kenya tells Jennifer about her conversation with Evelyn.
“She actually apologized,” Kenya says. “I was very surprised.” That makes two of us, because I didn’t hear an apology from Evelyn. “That’s the person I know,” Jennifer says. Kenya encourages Jennifer to talk to Evelyn, but Jennifer refuses. “It’s just escalated to the point where it’s physical,” Jennifer says. “I just don’t want to do it.” “I gotcha,” Kenya says.
The triumvirate of ogres continues to watch Jennifer and Kenya from across the pool. Unable to contain their curiosity, Shaunie and Tami leave Evelyn and join Jennifer and Kenya. “Hey girl, you not going to tell me you here,” Tami says to Jennifer. Jennifer dodges the candy-coated insult and decides to kill with kindness. “I like you hair,” Jennifer says. That’s clearly a lie, but I like Jennifer’s approach.
“I am so not okay with you,” Shaunie says to Jennifer. Jennifer says that she had a long flight, had dinner with Suzie and then went to sleep. “But we’re here to enjoy this vacation together,” Shaunie says. Oh, please! “I’m just trying to stay away from drama,” Jennifer says. Shaunie tries to persuade Jennifer to talk to Evelyn. “So are you down with the resolution crew?” Shaunie asks. “I’ve washed my hands with it,” Jennifer says. “I don’t know if I’m really ready to go back down that road.”
Clearly, these women are hoping for a dramatic conflict between Evelyn and Jennifer. There is no way I’d try to persuade someone to be friends with Evelyn. I smell producer involvement. Evelyn, seated alone, like the last piece of pizza in the box that her fiance keenly named her, decides to join her fellow ogres at Jennifer’s table. “I wanted to have a discussion with you,” she says to Jennifer. Jennifer’s smile quickly fades. “This is not an argument,” Evelyn says. “It’s really to lay out on the table, who did what, who said what.” Jennifer wants no parts of Last Piece of Pizza. “I don’t really want to talk about it,” she says. “You were the start of all this,” Evelyn says. “I was a loyal friend to you.”
If I had a nickel for every time Evelyn said “loyal friend” this season, I could buy Tami’s entire wardrobe. “Evelyn, we’ve come to the conclusion that we’re not friends,” Jennifer says. Jennifer’s words make Last Piece of Pizza fly into a rage. Jennifer removes herself from the table and begins walking to her room. Evelyn follows her. “You don’t want to talk about it now, but you’re on Twitter?” Evelyn asks.
I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean. Jennifer keeps walking. “I have a list of [expletive] that you [expletive] when you was [expletive] married.” Why would she have that? What a loser. Jennifer walks into her room and closes the door behind her, leaving the ogres standing outside dumbfounded.
“I swear on everything I love in life, her whole existence is a lie,” Evelyn says. “Give me a lie detector test because I promise I’m passing that [expletive] with flying colors!” Poor Last Piece of Pizza. She really is the last piece of pizza in the box that nobody wants. She’s that sad little, dried-up scraggly piece in the corner that’s missing half its cheese and has an errant green pepper on it that nobody ordered. From now on, I shall refer to that piece of pizza as “The Evelyn.”And I will feed it to my cat, who will probably sniff it, shake her paw and walk away from The Evelyn. It’s funny how life imitates art.
Some ignorant previews: Last Piece of Pizza cries more fake tears. Royce confronts Tami. Shaunie pretends to care what black people think about her. Until next week . . . The End.
M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian-related. Follow her on Twitter
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