On this episode of “Basketball Wives,” the women visit their hair at the race track, Evelyn and her toady act like animals and Royce deserves a visit from Chris Hansen.
We’re returned to a very special episode of Basketball Wives. Tami is having a heart to heart on the sofa with her mother, Nadine. She blames her mother for not showing her enough affection while she was growing up. “My mom wasn’t really a very touchy-feely type of person, and she groomed me to be the same way,” Tami says. “We don’t hug each other.”
I have a hard time feeling any type of sympathy for Tami. My mother isn’t big on hugging either, but that doesn’t give me just cause to assault people and act like a total idiot on any given occasion. If I did, my mother would likely hug me several times with her fist. Sandra don’t play.
“My way of showing my love was giving you the world,” Nadine says. “I apologize for not being there.” Nadine tells Tami that she is also a victim of rape and has been attending therapy sessions. “I had that happen to me, not once but three times,” Nadine says. “I feel like my daughter doesn’t love me and I realized through therapy that you don’t know how.” She begins to cry. Tami’s face doesn’t move out of its permanent sneer.
“I don’t know how to come to you because you’re not a woman who I’ve hugged,” Tami says. Way to go Tami. Make your crying mother who just revealed that she was raped three times feel even worse. You could use a Sandra-Hug. “We can’t continue this type of relationship because of my daughters,” Tami says.
I think Tami needs to remain off of reality television because of her daughters. She needs to do some real self-evaluation and stop acting like a fool because of her daughters. Nadine is not their mother. She is not responsible for them, Tami is. Grow up, Tami and stop blaming your mother for how you parent your children.
Royce is meeting with her boyfriend, NFL player Dezmon Briscoe. Dezmon? Really? I’m angry at his mother for forcing me to stretch my pinky finger to type the letter “Z” in this child’s name. “Yes he plays football,” Royce says. “This is my man, this is my heart and that’s my boo.” Someone call Child Protective Services. Royce’s boo looks like my 19-year-old cousin, Mush.
I’m thoroughly disgusted. Royce says that Dezmon (ugh!) has met her father. “I think he liked me,” Dezmon says. “It’s a little hard maintaining a relationship because he’s a young athlete … upcoming,” Royce says in an interview. “And I’m still pushing forward with my career.” Okay, I know I wasn’t the only one who thought she was going to say, “I’m pushing 40.” Royce asks Dezmon where their relationship is going. “We’re deeply in love, obviously,” Dezmon says. “And we’ll just go from there and keep progressing.” This poor child.
Tami and Shaunie meet somewhere outside to talk about people. They sound like two characters in a Tyler Perry production. “Child,” Tami says. “Child,” Shaunie responds. Well we see where this is going. Oh man. I can’t believe what I’m looking at. Tami is eating a pack of sunflower seeds and wearing a tank top with the words “Project Girl” scribbled across it.
Why am I watching this? Once again, Tami and her supervisor bump the gums about Kenya. “Do you remember ‘Alien’?” Tami asks. “She looked just like the lady from ‘Alien.’ ” Sigourney Weaver? What’s wrong with looking like Sigourney Weaver? At least she’s employed. “Kenya is torn between believing that she’s Beyonce mixed with a little bit of Janet Jackson,” Tami says. “And what she doesn’t understand is that she’s a little mix between Rebbie and Freddie Jackson.”
Actually, Tami, both Freddie and Rebbie Jackson are very talented singers, so you sound pretty stupid. But that’s nothing new. “I thought she would’ve said kiss my [expletive] or something,” Shaunie says. “She wanted to slit my throat,” Tami says. “What’s up with this race track thing on Saturday,” Shaunie asks as if she’s not the executive producer of the show.
Tami tells Shaunie that Jennifer and Royce made up. “That’s good,” Shaunie says. Shocking, but good. How is it shocking? Shaunie is responsible for creating all of these scripted scenes. “If Jennifer and Evelyn were still friends, would Jen be this appeasing to Royce,” Tami asks. “Ask her at the race track,” Shaunie says. And … scene.
Evelyn meets with her assistant, Nia. I won’t talk about how much I hate the pronunciation of this girl’s name again. It’s well documented. Although she’s supposed to be discussing her upcoming wedding, Evelyn still can’t seem to get Jennifer off her mind.
“She’s changed, and one person that she’s changed on is Nia,” Evelyn says. “How did I get into this?” Nia asks. “Jennifer and I became close in the past two years.” “You walk around with security at times and really feeling yourself. Like, who are you?” Evelyn says that Jennifer has always been bougie. “I never judged that,” Nia says. “Don’t treat me the way you treat [expletive] strangers.”
Nia says that she gave Jennifer a set of keys to her house. “She checked on me when I was sick,” Nia says. “Staying with me night after night.” Was there something else going on between Jennifer and Nia? She seems a little bit too hurt about some woman she’s only know for a couple of years. Whatever the reason, it’s obviously caused her great stress because she only has about four strands of hair remaining on each temple. That happened to me once in college. I took an incomplete and wore lots of headbands.
Evelyn says that she’s hurt because of the way Jennifer has treated Nia. “How was I friends with this chick for this long?” Evelyn asks. I’m sure Jennifer is asking herself the same question. Some of you have asked why Chad Johnson would want to marry Evelyn. Well, judging by Chad’s current Twitter picture of himself sitting on a toilet, I’d say they make a perfect match.
Jennifer, Kesha, Shaunie, Suzie and Tami meet to watch a private screening of the movie, “Think Like a Man.” Jennifer reads her cue cards and says that some guy named Terrence J. is a friend of hers and invited the women to the screening. They’re all seated in front of a fireplace in what looks like someone’s living room. I’m not sure what’s going on. They look like they’re in one of those Time Warner soul music of the ’70s infomercials. I keep expecting Smokey Robinson to walk in. Suzie is dressed like Friar Tuck.
“I’m trying to look more innocent,” Suzie says. “Everyone thinks I’m this big pervert dirt bag.” Well maybe if you didn’t say things that make you sound like a pervert dirt bag, no one would think you were one, Suzie. Tami, on the other hand is just excited to be out of the house. “Free movie and night out with the ladies?” she says. “[Expletive] I’m there.” These things don’t come by easily for Tami. Her typical meals are listed on menus written in magic marker and ordered through bullet proof glass. I’ll let her have her moment.
Evelyn is at her store, Dulce. I totally forgot she had a store. She talks to her employee, Noe. “Um, I’m thinking about closing the store,” Evelyn says. “Why?” Noe asks. Am I supposed to believe this isn’t scripted? “I just feel like when I first opened up the store, I had a vision for the store,” Evelyn says. “My life has changed. I can’t be here six days a week. The shoes aren’t selling,” she says.
In other words, she’s accomplished her lifetime goal of hitching herself to a professional athlete. She doesn’t need to sell shoes anymore. “People can’t afford thousand-dollar shoes,” Evelyn says. I’m sure that the people who can afford thousand-dollar shoes were never buying them from Evelyn. “You tried,” Noe says as he shrugs his shoulders.
He doesn’t seem all that upset about being laid off from a fake job. “My next job will be on the corner,” he says. “Look, I’ll be on the corner with you,” Evelyn says. Noe says that he’ll charge $5 for his services. “You’re so cheap,” Evelyn says. “I’m charging 20.” Sometimes these things just write themselves.
The women go to their screening for “Think Like a Man.” Jennifer’s friend, Terrence J. appears. He may think like a man, but he sure doesn’t dress like one. Dude is wearing the tightest clothes ever. “Who do you think has more mind games,” Terrence J. asks. “I think the ladies are always 20 steps ahead,” Jennifer says. “Y’all making me sweat,” Terrence J. says. “I’mma have to take this jacket off.” Partner, it’s not the basketball wives causing the perspiration. It’s that too tight, wool, husky boy jacket.
Terrence J. leaves the theater and the women watch the movie. Oh man. They’re playing an extended clip of this garbage. I have no interest in watching this movie or buying any of Steve Harvey’s books, but I must admit, this is a pretty clever marketing scheme. By inserting this mediocre movie in the middle of this really horrible show, the movie, by comparison comes out looking less horrible. Basketball Wives makes “Think Like a Man” look like “Eve’s Bayou.” After the screening, the women all give their opinions about the movie. No one cares.
Jennifer’s friend Al Reynolds is at her place. This dude again? Even Kato Kaelin knew when his 15 minutes were up. Jennifer says that Al is one of her best friends. That’s really sad. “Seeing anybody new?” Al asks. “I don’t know, we’ll see,” Jennifer says. Al looks like he just got thrown out of somebody’s house.
He’s wearing a thick sweater and some shorts that don’t cover enough of his pasty legs. To top it off, he’s wearing a pair of Ray Charles sunglasses inside the apartment. I’m guessing he lives on Jennifer’s sofa. He asks Jennifer about her rift with Evelyn. “What are you going to do to mend that?” Al asks. “The way she went about it was really disrespectful,” Jennifer says. “She wants to punch you in your face,” Al says. “A healthy scrap never hurt nobody.” I’m guessing this is what Star Jones told him after she roughed him up a couple of times. Go away Al. Never return to my television.
Royce meets with Dezmon on the rooftop of some place. “So what did I do to deserve this?” Royce asks. We all ask the same question about you, Royce. “You make me smile,” she says. “I can see you being my wife for the rest of my life,” Dezmon says. “Are you ready for that?” Royce asks. They get close. Okay this is some Mary Kay LeTourneau type of stuff going on and I’m really uncomfortable watching this. Run, Mush! “Dez sucks at surprises so I wanted to surprise him myself,” Royce says.
She’s wearing a robe. Ugh! No! Why does she keep doing this to herself? She takes the robe off and is standing in front of Dezmon in only her bra and panties. Someone call the authorities! She performed this exact same scene two seasons ago with another dude, but at least he was an adult! “I know he was surprised because he stopped eating,” Royce says. “And that boy can eat ... well.” For the love of God, shut up Royce! They lie on deck chairs. Royce’s legs are wide open. I think I’m going to be sick. I’m turning away from this. I will watch anything but this. You win, Steve Harvey.
Jennifer, Kesha and Suzie meet up at the race track. “We were chatting and here come two little jockeys to meet us,” Suzie says. These girls may be past their prime for snagging ball players, but they know athletes when they see them. Height no longer makes a difference. They put on their best Kardashian groupie voices “I like your outfits,” Kesha says. “Can I have your whip?” Suzie sticks her butt out while Kesha hits her with the whip. Gross.
Evelyn, Shaunie and Tami are also at the track, but separated from the rest of the group. Evelyn is dressed like she’s going to the club. She has also brought along her toady, Baldheaded Nia. Tami is hopeful for peace.
“Since Evelyn and Jen are going to be in the same place at the same time, I really hope Evelyn is going to put on her lady face,” Tami says. I hope so, too. I’m tired of looking at her gentleman face. “Nia is Evelyn’s personal assistant,” Tami says. This is my first time being around her all day. She’s a riot.” She sure is.
Baldheaded Nia is wearing an ill-fitting long dress, a crooked page boy wig and large, dark glasses. Either she’s coming from a roaring ’20s party, or she’s in the witness protection program. They all gripe about Jennifer. Apparently Shaunie and Tami also have a problem with Jennifer and have chosen this day to tell her about it. “If you say yours, I might as well say mine,” Shaunie says.
“So your relationship with her has changed as well,” Nia asks. “When [Jennifer] was going through her divorce, she didn’t have no car,” Evelyn says. “She would take the ferry through New Jersey. Nia just wants her keys.” This is so stupid. They all get up to go meet the other women in the presidential suite. “We will not be rude,” Shaunie says. “We will not be rude.” Sure.
They walk in the presidential suite where Jennifer, Kesha and Suzie are already seated at a long table. “How are you, Evelyn?” Kesha asks. I forgot Kesha was even there until I heard her grating voice, a frightening mix of Loretta Lynn and Bobcat Goldthwait. “Good, how are you?” Evelyn says. “Scared of you, girl,” Kesha says.
Kesha is pathetic. Tami turns her attention to Jennifer. “My beautiful Jen,” Tami says. “I had heard that you sent some papers that if anybody did anything out of pocket you was going to sue everybody.” Jennifer admits that she did. “Why did we all get this letter?” Shaunie asks. “It’s very generic. Last I checked, everybody was okay.” What? Were you not at your own birthday dinner where your pet Evelyn hit Jennifer in the head? I don’t know how I’m going to act from one minute to the next,” Tami says. “I’m not wrapped too tight.”
“I don’t feel like I should be in a situation and be threatened,” Jennifer says. Shaunie says she’s over Evelyn and Jennifer’s beef. “Since then it’s been really different to us,” Shaunie says. “The BBMs have been much shorter. So I kind of backed off a bit.” Why are these women so surprised that Jennifer is distant? She didn’t just get back from Disneyland. She’s going through a divorce.
The rational thing to say would be, “I feel like we’ve grown apart since your divorce and I really miss your friendship. I know you need space, so let’s sit down and talk one day when you’re ready.” But that’s only something that humans would say. The basketball wives would rather fling poop all around. “I could see how you would feel that way,” Jennifer says. “I’ve been to myself.”
Baldheaded Nia pipes up from the other end of the table. “So what’s your issue with me?” she asks. I forgot she was there, too. “I don’t have an issue with you,” Jennifer says. Evelyn says that Nia’s tone is different because she has emotional ties to Jennifer. Okay. “You’re to yourself [expletive] because you got a whole new set of friends,” Nia screams. “Nia, I have the same friends I had before,” Jennifer says calmly.
“Where are they?” Nia asks. “You’re full of [expletive]!” Who let this off-brand bama in? She’s in need of a horse tranquilizer and about 50 Sandra-Hugs right about now. “Why are you even here?” Jennifer asks. “Why don’t you show the world who you really are?” Nia says. “Whatever, I don’t even hear you,” Jennifer says.
“I’m not even going to validate any of this. It’s stupid,” Jennifer says. “You need to wake up,” Nia says. “Do you need to be smacked in your [expletive] face to wake up?” Nia screams. “I wish you would,” Jennifer says.
Baldheaded Nia gets up and walks around the table. Tami jumps up and tells Jennifer to get up. Jennifer stays seated. Nia smacks Jennifer, then backs away. Jennifer stands up. Clearly, Nia forgot that Jennifer is about six feet tall and time enough for her. Nia tries to hit Jennifer again, but Jennifer holds Jennifer’s arms down. Nia struggles, wasting a lot of breath and energy on calling Jennifer b-words.
Some guys finally come in and separate the two. The two women exchange barbs. “Somebody needs to put a number on this [expletive] and let her run around the track because she’s acting like an animal,” Jennifer says. Ha! I have to admit, that was a good one.
Jennifer says something about Nia living in a two-bedroom apartment. I didn’t even hear it, but apparently it was enough to set Evelyn off. “Most of the people I know live in two-bedroom apartments,” Evelyn says.
Evelyn walks barefoot across the table and leaps into the waiting arms of a man. I wonder if she charged him $20. These women act like animals. If there is anybody in serious need of a Sandra-Hug, it’s Evelyn.
Some ignorant previews: Evelyn’s nostrils flare at full terrorism alert level. Jennifer says she won’t sue Baldheaded Nia because she’s too broke. Until next week…The End.
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