We’re returned to the ignorant dinner where Evelyn threw both a bottle and plate at Kenya. “I’m going to punch this [expletive] in her [expletive] face,” Evelyn says in an interview. Why does Evelyn always look so bloated and spaced out in her interviews? I hope it’s an indication that she’s on the medication she so obviously needs. “I felt like I was in Iraq,” Suzie says. Not quite, Suzie. They have jobs there.
“I promise on everything I love, I’m going to sting that [expletive] every time I see her,” Evelyn says. Evelyn might want to choose her words a little more carefully. I think honeybees die right after they sting something. She should morph into a more resilient insect, like a cockroach. That’s what Kafka did . . . and Tami. Shiny and redder than ever, Evelyn continues to lash out on Kenya, who has since left the room. “She wants to stir the pot and lie on Suzie,” Evelyn says.
First of all, what lie did Kenya tell on Suzie and secondly, since when does Evelyn care anything about Suzie? She threatened Suzie with the same violence just a few years ago.
Shaunie, still seated at the table, is visibly shaken. “Was there a bottle thrown over my head?” she asks. “You can’t do that.” “I wanted Kenya to get her [expletive] beat, so I wasn’t trying to protect her,” Tami says. “But right is right and wrong is wrong.” “I couldn’t let you kill her,” Tami says to Evelyn. So Tami wasn’t trying to protect Kenya and she was looking forward to Evelyn assaulting her, but she stood between Evelyn and Kenya to prevent Kenya from being assaulted. I’m not even going to try and make sense of that.
“I’m cool with catching a case,” Evelyn says. “For my baby.” Who is her baby? Chad or her grown daughter who is probably horrified by this? She’s willing to go to jail because someone may or may not have called her loose? A fact that she’s already admitted to? “I’m out for blood,” Evelyn says. Okay, crazy. Go somewhere and sit down. We’ve had enough.
Evelyn and Suzie meet at the gym. They’re both in exercise clothes, but their faces are covered in pancake makeup. This is so authentic.
“I really want Jen and Royce to make up,” Suzie says. “Everything they’re mad about is trivial and really doesn’t make much sense.” Gee, Suzie. You mean kind of like how you hate Kenya for uploading a video of herself on YouTube?
“I was cool with her,” Jennifer says about Royce. “Giving her giving makeovers and [expletive].” These women curse entirely too much. It’s tiresome for me.
“The whole picture situation happened, she took to Twitter,” Jennifer says. A picture flashes on the screen of what appears to be Jennifer posing nude. I’m confused. Why did I just see that? “If you two talked it out, it will work out because you’re both good people,” Suzie says. Oh, I disagree with that, Suzie. Jennifer and Royce are both equally horrible. They’re just slightly less horrible than the rest of the cast. If Evelyn and Tami are Pablo Escobar and Idi Amin, then Jennifer and Royce are surely Papa and Baby Doc. Jennifer reluctantly agrees to meet with Royce. “Squash it,” Suzie says. That’s what I’m hoping for.
The triumvirate of ogres, better known as Evelyn, Shaunie and Tami, meet at some restaurant. “Kenya seems to be a liar,” Tami says. “Last night I saw crazy,” Shaunie says. “How she just stayed here.” “I don’t want to be around her no more,” Evelyn says. Uh, wait a minute? When they were just discussing the crazy person, they weren’t talking about Evelyn? Did they forget she hurled a glass bottle and plate across the room?
“I’m sorry for the bottle,” Evelyn says. Shaunie doesn’t seem all that put out about it because they’re all laughing and joking about it.
“I don’t know what I would’ve done if the bottle hit me,” Tami says. “Somebody would’ve probably been in the hospital. Probably Evelyn.” “[Kenya] might be on medication or something,” Evelyn says. So what if she is? You should probably borrow some, Evelyn. “When Evelyn started coming around the table, I made [Kenya] get up,” Tami says. “I’m very glad Tami got between us with me having a bottle in my hand,” Evelyn says. I’m sure she was. Evelyn was probably praying that somebody would get between her and Kenya because Kenya obviously wasn’t afraid of her. She didn’t flinch once when Evelyn took off her earrings, nor did she move when Evelyn stood up. Evelyn had to improvise, so she took a sip of her drink to give herself some more time to bluff. When she actually got to where Kenya was, she had plenty of opportunity to land a hit, but she didn’t. I’m not fooled.
Shaunie changes the conversation. “We need to go away,” she says. “Who is we?” Tami asks. They have this stupid conversation every season. They’re going to Tahiti. “Are you okay with Jen going?” Shaunie asks Evelyn. “Listen, I’m not trying to row no boat with her,” Evelyn says. Whatever that means. “Okay, but what if she is there?” Shaunie asks. “I’m just going to be quiet,” Evelyn says.
“Hopefully there’s no drama and mess.” Evelyn, you are the drama and mess. Apparently, Suzie has invited the cast to the race track. Tami looks at the event as an opportunity for them to tell Jennifer how they feel about her. Evelyn works on her facial expressions. They all look the same. She looks like Mumra with a blonde weave.
Jennifer and Kenya pretend to shop for wine. How ironic. Kenya recites her lines with absolutely no enthusiasm. “So yeah I’m shooting this video and having a screening for it,” she says flatly. “I’m hoping to invite the girls and have some wine.” Jennifer tells Kenya that she will come the screening and that Kenya should invite everyone else. “I’m not going to not come someplace because I have an issue with someone,” Jennifer says. “We’re all grown women. I’m going to be fine.”
So Evelyn meets with her personal assistant, Nia. I’ve already expressed how much I hate this girl’s name for being pronounced with a long “i.” “Nia’s been very helpful with keeping my life together,” Evelyn says. That should be the responsibility of Evelyn’s desperately needed therapist or parole officer. “What is your last name going to be?” Nia asks. “[Chad] says Johnson, but I kind of like Ochocinco,” Evelyn says.
Evelyn says she’s thinking of keeping her maiden name because of all the projects she’s working on. Okay. “Have like an 85 lipstick,” Nia says. You’d better put a decimal in front of that number because that’s about how much anybody would pay for it…in bulk. “I can’t believe I’m getting married,” Evelyn says. “Chad saw a good thing and bagged it,” Nia says.
Hold on, folks. Let me give my eyeballs a minute to return back to the place where they rolled from. Evelyn says that Chad wants another child. “It’s just not a good look right now,” Evelyn says. Evelyn says she has a lot to do in preparation for her wedding. “I have to figure out what dress I’m wearing, the cake,” she says. “The next couple months are going to be crazy.” What a grueling schedule she must have.
“Do you remember when you met Jennifer,” Evelyn asks out of nowhere. “The first time I met her was your 30th birthday,” Nia says. By my estimate, that was about 25 years ago. “Jennifer and Nia were really good friends,” Evelyn says. “The friendship went wrong when Jennifer got new friends.” Good for Jennifer. “She won’t be on the wedding list,” Evelyn says. Again, good for Jennifer. Evelyn considers her upcoming nuptials. “This is something I really want to work,” she says. “Me and him have something good and this could be something great.” For her pocketbook. “A normal guy couldn’t handle my mouth,” Evelyn says. “He’ll be like shut the [expletive] up.” “Don’t you need that?” Nia asks. “That’s that New York [expletive]. Like ‘sit the [expletive] down,’ ”says Nia. Who wants to bet that Nia doesn’t have a man in New York or anywhere else? She sounds like an idiot. I never want to see her on my television again.
Jennifer and Suzie go meet Royce. “Can’t believe you’ve got me doing this,” Jennifer says. “It’s going to be fine,” Suzie says. “Hi, Royce,” Jennifer says. “I like your hair.” “Thank you,” Royce says. That was civil. They both stare off in to space for a few minutes. I do the same. “It would be great if everybody could just get along,” Suzie says. Royce tells Jennifer that Jennifer was mean to her. “I was hurt and I took it out as being angry,” Jennifer says.
“I didn’t say anything on Twitter,” Royce says. “I was getting information from second and third parties,” Jennifer says. “If you didn’t say anything, then my bad.” Suzie says she’s surprised that Jennifer apologized. “It was a breath of fresh air,” Suzie says.
“Life is about advancement,” Jennifer says. “I’m getting rid of drama in my life.” I don’t believe her. She would leave this stupid show if that were true. Jennifer and Royce hug. “I’m really happy that you two are able to be cool,” Suzie says. “I feel like I should be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.” I’m dead.
Jennifer and Suzie go to happy hour. Jennifer is confused. “Why are all these people in suits?” Jennifer asks. “Do they come here from work?” Oh, my God. Suzie continues on her quest to ruin Kenya. “Who is 38 still trying to be a pop star,” Suzie asks. Are we playing a game? Can I play? Who is 40 and getting thrown out of restaurants for fighting? I’ll give you one guess.
“I caught her looking at you all suspect,” Suzie says. Jennifer tells Suzie that Kenya’s video screening is in Jennifer’s building. “I’m bringing some [expletive] garlic,” Suzie says. “I wish I had holy water at my house,” Jennifer says. Well, so much for maturing, Jennifer.
Evelyn and Nia go shopping for wedding invitations. Nia is channeling the ghost of Punky Brewster’s best friend Cherry and is wearing a gold belt across her forehead. Maybe this will mean she’ll go play hide and seek in an abandoned refrigerator and I won’t have to look at her again. “I am super behind with my wedding planning,” Evelyn says. She asks the store owner if she can send an invitation to someone that says they’re not invited to the wedding. “That would probably not be a good idea,” the owner says. He looks like he hates them both.
Kesha and Suzie head to Kenya’s video screening. “Are you excited?” Suzie asks. “Um, not really,” Kesha says. “I don’t know why the hell I’m here.” Kesha, I say that every time I have to tune in to watch you horrible people. The rest of the group filters in. Tami’s cousin, Shauna, one of the pillars of evil from “The Glam Squad,” is there for whatever reason. I’m glad there was a caption under her name. I assumed it was Barrington Levy in some earrings. They don’t even see the video before they start taking shots at Kenya. The group accuses her of copying the styles of Jennifer and Tami. “I’m me,” Kenya says. “I’m not Jen.” “Single black female,” Shauna says. “That’s your name.” “Oh my God, this is so ridiculous,” Kenya says. It really is. Kenya had to have watched this show before signing up. I just don’t think she was expecting these women to be so stupid.
“When you first came around us you were yourself,” Tami says. “Now you got every Louboutin. You got my hair.” When Tami first joined this cast, she looked like she just got fired from Popeye’s. She doesn’t look that much better now.
I highly doubt anybody wants to mimic her. “Maybe me is a mixture of all of them and that’s what makes me so fabulous,” Kenya says. They finally watch the video. It looks like any other lame video they play on BET except MC Sally Jesse is in it so that makes it better. Suzie is laughing. Kenya asks the group if they want to watch the video again. Tami tells her no. Kenya begins to speak, but Tami interrupts her. “Just let me get my sentence out, then you can go,” Tami says. Kenya thanks Tami and begins to speak. “Don’t be condescending,” Tami says. “That wouldn’t be a good look.” Tami, neither is your 1991 weave or your jailhouse tattoos.
Suzie pipes up. “Just compliment your look and your age,” says Suzie, who has been known to wear cheetah print tops and lime green clips to hold her side ponytails. “Suzie, nobody cares that she’s 40,” Tami says. They all laugh. “You cannot dance, Kenya,” Tami says. “When I said that I would work with you,” Kenya says.
Tami cuts her off. “Rephrase it,” Tami says. Kenya looks perplexed.
“Don’t make it seem like you’re doing us a favor,” Tami says. Kenya looks exasperated. “I’m not about to waste my time with Kenya,” Tami says in an interview. “She is dead.” Wow.
“She doesn’t listen,” Tami says. “She still thinks it’s 1992.” For someone who has been crawling around reality television since 1992 and wearing the hair of Andrea Zuckerman, Tami has a lot of nerve. “Keep going trying to be all of us until you turn into somebody else,” Tami says. Tami, no one wants to be any of you. Who aspires to be cast-aside groupies who make clowns of themselves on national television? Go somewhere and sit down.
Tami’s mother, Nadine, visits her. Tami is wearing minimal makeup and her hair is pulled back. She looks 10 years younger than she normally does. “I’m glad you came to visit me,” Tami says. “I miss you guys when I’m away.”
So does that mean Nadine watches Tami’s children while she’s acting a fool for this show? If so, where are the children now? Tami tells her mother that she visited a therapist. “And how did that go?” Nadine asks. “My anger stems from a lot of things that I’ve gone through over the course of my life,” Tami says. She tells her mother that she was violated when she was younger. “I’m not trusting of men and I think I’ve been mad at you,” Tami says. “I felt somewhere inside of me maybe I wasn’t protected.” Tami’s mother begins to cry. “My kids were turning out exactly like me and I didn’t want to raise them like that,” Tami says. I’m done with Tami. If she’s so concerned about her kids turning out like her, she wouldn’t act like such an ignorant clown. Bye.
Some ignorant previews. Tami’s mother continues to cry. Nia and her stupid name are back causing trouble. Evelyn walks barefoot across a table. Until next week. . . . The End.
M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist in the Washington Metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian-related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman
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