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Posted at 10:24 AM ET, 03/15/2012

Basketball Wives: Season four, episode four

On this episode of Basketball Wives, Kenya finally completes her video, Jennifer launches her lip gloss line and Kesha hosts an ill-fated charity event. I continue to question why I watch this.


From left,Jennifer Williams, Royce Reed, Erikka Moxam, Shaunie O'Neal, Evelyn Lozada, Suzie Ketchem and Gloria Govan pose together to promote their reality series, "Basketball Wives," airing on VH1. (Presscott McDonald - ASSOCIATED PRESS)
Suzie shows up to what I thought was Jennifer’s hotel room, but Suzie says it’s actually Jennifer’s new apartment. I’m sure it probably costs a boatload, but it looks about the size of a college dorm room. “I got some new information on Kenya,” Suzie says in an interview. “I can’t wait to tell Jen.” That’s so sad.

Suzie is carrying a ferret. No wait, it’s actually a dog. Damn, that thing is ugly. Suzie does this annoying thing where every sentence she says is in the form of a question. “So, why does my publicist call me,” Suzie says. “She also represents Juliet.” Suzie has a publicist too? Suzie?! How does one become a publicist for someone who does nothing? I don’t get it. Is this a job you find on Craigslist? Suzie continues with her babbling. “She’s like ‘do you know this Kenya girl.’” “She’s like, ‘she came in the club wanting to shoot a video.’” I can’t take Suzie saying “she’s like” much longer.

“Does she understand this is New York, not like…Detroit,” Jennifer asks. Jennifer is such a snob. Suzie continues to talk. This time, it’s about someone in Kenya’s entourage. “He’s like, ‘we have like a whole Greyhound bus of people coming from Detroit to fill up the club’ and then when they found out how much alcohol cost, he’s like ‘well can we just drink Kool-Aid?’” Ha! That’s actually pretty funny. Why would people be actually consuming alcohol on a professional video shoot anyway? How stupid is that?

“I’m like saying to myself, this can’t be real,” Jennifer says. “I don’t know what world Kenya is living in.” Says the living embodiment of Pecola Breedlove. “Kenya’s fan base is Kenya,” Suzie says. “You’re going to be paying the homeless guy to sleep in the box.”

Suzie should have been looking in the mirror when she said that. It was some sage advice for herself. She’d then have to clean the mirror from all the spittle resulting from her saying the word “homeless.” At least that would prepare her for her future career of cleaning windshields at intersections. That was mean. I take it back, Suzie. Well, some of it.

Evelyn meets with Kesha in some bar. It must be a rough day because Evelyn is sporting a snatch back and minimal make up. Evelyn says she approves of Kesha. “She seems like a cool chick,” she says. “I think she has a great story.” They stick to the typical Basketball Wives storyline and spend the next five minutes talking about everyone else. “As far as my relationship with Kenya, it’s pretty much done,” Kesha says. “Jen is definitely an interesting person.”

Evelyn tells Kesha that Jennifer won’t be coming to Kesha’s charity event. Kesha says she’ll put aside any bickering for charity. “My National Brain Tumor Society event is not the place for that type of fighting.” She sounds like she’s reading off cue cards again.

Kesha tells Evelyn that she’d choose her over Jennifer. “I’m not telling you to choose,” Evelyn says. “I just don’t want things just to be weird.” Kesha says she doesn’t feel like she has anything in common with Jennifer. Jennifer doesn’t have anything in common with most of these women. She actually made it down the aisle. “Well, what about Tami,” Evelyn asks.

Kesha tells Evelyn that she was offended by some comments Tami made about her, particularly the one where Tami questioned her blackness. “Why does she have the right to even comment on what I am or what as I label myself as,” Kesha asks. Kesha says she identifies herself as black. “Whether I look like it or not, it’s the way I feel,” she says. Evelyn tells Kesha that she should have a conversation with Tami. “I’m not sure how Tami is going to react when I speak with her,” Kesha says. “Hopefully we can have an adult mature conversation.” Good luck with that Kesha.

Jen and some woman with way too much weave hair walk into a photo shoot for Jennifer’s lipgloss line. The woman is identified as Jennifer’s manager, Diana. So Jennifer has both a manager and a publicist? For what? What exactly does a manager for a Basketball Wife do? What does a schedule for one of these people look like?

I imagine it’s something like: 12:00 p.m.—Wake up; 12:30—Watch ESPN for potential babies daddies; 2:00 p.m. —Walk into an empty bar; 2:15 p.m.—Meet another Basketball Wife; 2:20—Talk trash about other Basketball Wives; 5:00 p.m.—Stand on a treadmill in full make up; 9:00 p.m.—get dressed in sparkly dress from the juniors department; 12:00 a.m. arrive at restaurant; 12:01 start an argument over nothing 12:02 throw a drink on someone 12:03 get ejected from restaurant. Jennifer says she loves her manager. “I definitely leave my life in her hands,” she says. That’s scary.

Suzie drops by. We’ve seen this scene a million times on this show. One Basketball Wife has a photo shoot for no reason whatsoever. Then some other Basketball Wife comes by to watch. Who does this? None of my friends drop by my job and hang out at my cubicle to watch me archive my emails in Outlook. I don’t skype Nikki in to watch me heat up my lean cuisines.

Suzie says she’s stopped by to show some support to Jennifer and “see what’s going on with her.” What I want to know, Suzie is what’s going on with your children? Where are they? Are they being shown support? Jennifer tells Suzie that her lip gloss business is doing well and that she’s in the process of “doing retail.”

She gets dressed up in some ridiculous costume and gets her photograph taken. This all reminds me of that very special episode of “The Facts of Life” when Tootie became a model and Mrs. Garrett had to run in and save her from embarrassing herself. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s going to happen here.

Kesha and Royce walk through Central Park and talk trash about Kenya again. There’s really nothing new to report here. I won’t bore you with the details.

Kenya shoots her video. She’s in some other club. I don’t know much about making music videos but is there some reason it has to be in a club? Since she’s on a budget, can’t Kenya just drive around in a milk truck like Black Star? She walks in and greets MC Sally Jesse. We learn that his name is Allen. “I’m almost near panic,” Kenya says. “My dancers, my rapper, my assistant, everybody is on their way to the video and I’m almost worried it’s not going to happen.”

Apparently, they all show up, because Kenya’s video goes off seemingly without a hitch. She’s wearing a Freddy Krueger glove. “With all of the turmoil, all of the worrying, the shoot’s over,” Kenya says. She thanks her motley crew of weirdos and it’s finally over. I hope we’re finished with this storyline.

Jennifer and her manager show up at Jennifer’s lip gloss launch party. “Lucid is my baby,” Jennifer says. “It’s more than just a lip gloss line. It’s proving to myself that I can do this all by myself and be independent.” I guess. People take pictures and drink champagne.

Star Jones’ex-wife, Al Reynolds is there. Isn’t he supposed to be teaching somewhere? Anyway, Suzie and Kenya show up. Jennifer and Suzie must be gigantic because they tower over Kenya. Kenya looks like she’s standing between two great oaks.

“So where is everyone?” Suzie asks. “Where’s Tami, Shaunie? “The people who are important are here,” Jennifer says. “I don’t know what the drama is, but I’m here to support you,” Kenya says. Kenya’s support of Jennifer doesn’t sit well with Suzie. “I feel it’s fake,” Suzie says. “I’ve heard Kenya say Jen’s real bougie.” So? “I’m not going to dwell on who came and who didn’t,” Jennifer says. “This is way bigger than my personal drama and whoever was supposed to be there was there.” That’s a surprisingly mature response.

Speaking of mature, we catch up with Lenny and Squiggy, better known as Evelyn and Tami. The first topic of conversation is Jennifer. “I heard you didn’t go to the launch,” Tami says. Evelyn makes a face. “Well I wasn’t invited,” Tami says. “I can’t believe she didn’t even think like, ‘let me just invite my girls.’” Probably because you’re not her girl, Tami. “She’s out with the old and in with the new crew,” Evelyn says.

Can you blame her? If my friend threatened to punch me in my face, I don’t think I’d like to continue being friends. “I come from the era that you value your friendships,” Tami says. “You keep your real friends close.” None of these women are real friends. “Most of my friends, I’ve been friends with for years,” Evelyn says. Raise your hand if you believe Evelyn has friends.

Tami tells Evelyn about Kenya’s audition for her and the Garanimal Panel. “I take time out of my schedule,” Tami says. Dude, what schedule? You do nothing. “Were you embarrassed?” Evelyn asks. “I was offended,” Tami says. “[Expletive], you don’t know who I know!” Who? Who do you know, Tami? A parole officer? A liquor store cashier? The customer service representatives at Rent-A-Center?

Evelyn tells Tami about her conversation with Kesha. “She was just offended about a couple of jabs that were sent,” Evelyn says. We see a flashback of Tami’s initial meeting of Kesha where she asked her if she was white. What we weren’t shown initially is that Tami also told Kesha that she sounded white. This woman’s ignorance knows no bounds. “For her, there are some deep rooted issues there,” Evelyn says.

What deep rooted issues? Kesha didn’t sound like she had any deep rooted issues about her race. She clearly stated that she is mixed, but identifies herself as a black woman. Tami says that Kesha is too sensitive. “You can’t be around me and be that weak,” she says. “She needs to get a [expletive] life if that offended her.” Ugh, close your mouth when you chew you sleestak! I can’t even be disgusted by what she’s saying because I’m too busy being disgusted by her horrible table manners.

Jennifer and Suzie take a walk in Central Park. Not this again. Suzie complains about the weather. “It’s so [expletive] cold,” she says. “I’m really starting to kind of miss Miami. I’m missing my friends, the weather, the beaches and definitely my social life.” And your children, Suzie. What about your children? “I’m ready to go,” Jennifer says. Jennifer says her divorce from Eric is still pending. “It’s so long and drawn out,” she says. So is this episode.

Suzie tells Jennifer that she and Royce will be traveling to North Carolina with Kesha. “She lives like on a farm and mountains,” Suzie says. “Who knows, maybe I’ll meet a farmer.” Jennifer says that Suzie is too much of a city girl. “I can’t really see Suzie on a farm,” Jennifer says. “Kesha wants to expand her dance company down to Miami and her home in North Carolina is on the way, so it works out perfectly,” Suzie says. Where are your children?!

The cast, minus Jennifer and Royce, attend Kesha’s charity event. Kesha thanks them all for coming. “It’s a very serious event so I just want to make sure everybody takes it seriously,” she says. Then why is it at a club? The women are offended by Kesha. “We know how to act at a fundraiser,” Evelyn says in an interview.

“We’re not going to start throwing drinks and fighting and cursing at each other or talking about sex.” Is she kidding? They do that in every episode. I can understand why Kesha was apprehensive. “Everybody was offended by Kesha’s little speech because we felt like we were in grade school.” All of you act like you’re in grade school, Tami. You were being treated accordingly.

“I’m having a great time,” Kesha tells Suzie. She tells Suzie that the other women are “Debbie Downers” and walks away. Shaunie and her toadies summon Suzie over and ask her what Kesha said. Suzie tells them that Kesha thought they were being negative. “I read lips really well, Shaunie says. “What she said was, ‘I just feel like this corner is just very Debbie Downer.’ Where the hell did all that come from?”

Why is Shaunie even there? She doesn’t have to insert herself into these stupid scenes. She can just sit back and collect the money she makes off of these fools. And if she can read lips so well, why did she ask Suzie to repeat what was said? I’ll bet that she has an earpiece.

Meanwhile, Tami is sitting there with a stink face in a red dress that is five times too small. She looks like a half smoke. “I’m not going to cause a scene at her [expletive] event,” Tami says. “But I don’t like that she’s all fake. [Expletive], [expletive] you and the [expletive] horse you rode in on.” Seriously, who released Tami into the wild? Send her back and put a tracking device on her collar so that this type of thing doesn’t happen again.

Evelyn and Tami meet to talk about Kesha’s event. They say a whole bunch of nothing, believe me. You’re not missing anything.

The cast, minus Jennifer, Royce and Shaunie meet for dinner. Tami looks to be wearing something straight from Jackie Christie’s closet. “This is going to be fun,” she says. Kesha arrives last and sits directly across from Tami. “You know what,” Evelyn says. “I really feel like there’s issues that need to be hashed out.” Yeah right. Now all of a sudden, Evelyn wants to play mediator?

Kesha takes a sip of water. “I swear I didn’t even have my napkin in my lap,” she says in an interview. Evelyn tells Kesha that she told Tami everything she said about her. “So you can chime in,” she tells Tami. I guess this will be a tag team. “I really don’t want to hear what you have to say,” Tami says to Kesha.

Well, Kesha hasn’t said anything yet. “Whatever you need to get off your chest, bring it to me,” she says. “I don’t like a [expletive] to go behind my back. It’s irrelevant to me. We can move to the next topic.” Kenya is enjoying the treatment Kesha is getting. “Everything that I’ve been through with Kesha and the way she was trying to make me look bad,” Kenya says. “I was just sitting there like ‘nee-nee-nee you’re bout to get your [expletive] beat.’”

Really mature, Kenya. “Everything doesn’t have to be combative,” Tami says. “It doesn’t have to be hostile.” She sounds pretty combative and hostile to me. What do y’all think? “I know how to receive information,” Tami says. “Clearly not,” Kesha says. “You don’t even want to hear my information now.” “When it’s brought properly the first time,” Tami says. She looks rabid.

Where is Jack Hanna when you need him? “Sitting here and arguing, that’s not me,” Kesha says. “That’s why I talked to Evelyn. I didn’t want to get into any type of confrontation with you. “Unh, Unh, Unh” Tami says. “That went all the way left. Didn’t that go left,” she asks her minions. Not really. Kesha’s point sounded pretty straight forward to me. Kesha attempts to get a word in edgewise. “Oh please,” Tami says. Shut the [expletive] up. Move on to the next thing because it’s not going to get no better. We’re not going to agree.

“We don’t have to agree,” Kesha says, but I will treat you with respect and I would really like the same from you.” “I will treat you with respect when I want to” Tami says.

Someone’s laughing. I think it’s Kenya. This is horrible. Tami continues. “This conversation would’ve been brand [expletive] new if you had a came in here and said, ‘you know what Tami, there’s some things that have been bothering me.’” “And maybe I was going to say that,” Kesha says. “[Expletive] it’s too late,” Tami screams. Kesha asks Tami to please not call her the b-word. “[Expletive], [expletive] and more [expletive],” Tami says.

Kenya laughs hysterically. “That’s so sad,” Kesha says. It really is. Tami isn’t quite finished. “Let’s talk about the other night at the event,” she says. “Yeah that was off the chain,” Kenya says. “I would say that you were off the chain.” Kesha doesn’t even look at Kenya. “You give a whole speech like we’re five years old,” Tami says. “We don’t show our [expletive] every time we leave the house.

We know how to conduct ourselves. “Like now,” Kesha asks. Ha! “Now is a whole different situation because you have pushed me to a whole new level,” Tami says.

Oh please. Why are they all so intimidated by this woman? She’s sitting there with her jiggly prison arms, tacky wardrobe and early 90’s Elaine Benes hair looking like the biggest bama ever and they all just sit there and take it. Even Evelyn, who was the only one of them to stand up to this banshee, acts as if she’s afraid of her.

Evelyn chimes in with some faux rage of her own. “Everybody in the place was being Debbie Downers,” she says. “For you to come in you give us a speech. I don’t understand what we were supposed to be doing at this time.” Evelyn isn’t even looking at Kesha. She’s staring down at the table the entire time. Maybe she’s reading her lines.

Kesha says that what said wasn’t personal and that the people speaking at her event were her friends. “It wasn’t personal for you guys like it was for me,” she says. They all shout over her, yelling out people they know with cancer. “My brother-in-law is dying of keen-sah,” Evelyn says. My aunt had breast cancer,” Tami says.

Suzie says something about a grandparent. Shut up Suzie. I’m waiting on Kenya to shout somebody out. Patrick Swayze! John McCain! Kesha relents. “I was just extra sensitive about the entire thing,” she says. “Aight well you was rude as [expletive],” Evelyn says as she shoves a piece of God knows what in her mouth. She looks beastly. “Ya’ whole [expletive] is shady as far as I’m concerned now,”

Tami says as she slathers on lip gloss. I wonder if Jennifer gave that tube to her. Kenya’s laughing hysterically. The gruesome twosome of Evelyn and Tami leave. “This group is very unique,” Kesha says. “I’m not feeling like these are my type of people.” I think she’s being more than kind by referring to them as “people.” “It was probably mean girl to laugh,” Kenya says. “But Tami was hilarious.”

I disagree. Tami was embarrassing. I think Tami’s future can be best described in the words of my co-worker Lenell. “One of these days, somebody’s going to push Tami’s wig back.” Indeed.

Kenya offers Kesha advice. “We’re new,” Kenya says. “We don’t know them. If they say this is how we do things, in order to deal with that person you have to do things the way that they say this is how we do things.” “Does that make sense?”

I hope it does to someone. I rewound that sentence three times, and still didn’t understand. Kenya, what the hell? Am I watching a conversation between Fiddler and Kunta Kinte? No one should be kowtowing to these morons. What have they accomplished in life? Tami went on an early incarnation of a reality show years ago hoping it would propel her into some type of stardom.

The rest of her Real World co-stars have moved on, yet here she is some 20 years later, still doing reality television and acting like some type of genetic experiment. Evelyn is so desperate to marry an athlete, she told her fiance that he can cheat on her as long as he calls and lets her know.

Suzie doesn’t appreciate the way Kenya’s acting. “She was totally a different person when Tami and Evelyn were around than when they left,” she says. Really Suzie? Really? Says the person who has plenty of mouth to go off on Kenya, but is quiet as a church mouse when the Gruesome Twosome turn on her. “I think Kenya will just keep exposing herself to the point where everybody’s going to turn on her and she’s going to look like a complete psycho.” Where are your children?!

Some ignorant previews: Kesha goes down on the farm. Tami goes off on Suzie for saying something about food stamps. Evelyn goes off on Jennifer for probably just breathing.

Next week: I watch this show with my dad. I’m going to have to tell him it’s a drag documentary about the Temptations. He’s going to wonder why David Ruffin and Otis Williams are yanking each other’s weaves.

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