Last week, during an episode of the “Bag Lady’s” Internet radio show, a young woman emailed us, saying she recently realized she was a magnet for married men. She was giving off a vibe that said, “Come hither and I won’t ask for much”- a weakness that permeated the air like cheap perfume. She was the fun and easygoing girl that provided much needed relief from the monotony of their everyday married lives. She played her role well. The only issue was that’s not what she wanted to be.
“I was in denial,” she said.
And, she was the “Side Chick.”
When thinking of a Side Chick, Mistress, or Jump-off, the first thought that comes to mind is usually, homewrecker, slut, whore, or some other derogatory term to describe this immoral woman who uses her feminine wiles to attract and monopolize the attention of a married or an otherwise involved man.
That’s the easiest way to justify the actions of these women. To say they seek out married men, without regard for the homes and the lives that they will inevitably destroy. Unfortunately, this only describes a small part of this demographic, and at best just ends up being a defense mechanism used by women who fear falling victim to these sultry predators.
To understand the Side Chick, one must first understand what makes a man want to have a woman on the side in the first place. You see, there can be no jump-off, or mistress, without a man that is open to having one. It is your job, as a woman who only desires to be the “Main Chick” or wife, not to get involved with a man who is capable of having a Side Chick.
“But how do I do that?” you ask. There’s no foolproof way to ensure that you won’t be cheated on. However, you should know that a man intent on having a Side Chick is looking for some very specific weaknesses when selecting the wife or girlfriend who gets to wait for him at home
So, what’s the solution? Should one give off a vibe that says, “Come hither, but cautiously…because I’m going to ask for it all”? I would venture to say, yes. What woman doesn’t want it all? The key is to take precious time in developing yourself into a woman that deserves it all. Taking the time to discover what “it all” is; and most importantly, not being afraid to demand it. Many of us don’t ask for everything we want because either we don’t think that we deserve it, or we’re more interested in being married than actually being happy- hence we become a Side Chick)
A woman’s only defense against falling victim to the “Side Chick,” is to be honest with herself about her needs and what she requires to be happy, and those same things in her mate. If you can’t make him happy, don’t waste your time and tears trying. Don’t be afraid to be honest with yourself about your deal breakers, and standing up for them. Recognize whether or not your needs are being met, beyond the fairytale of the ring, the house, and the kids. Define your true happiness, and require that your mate fulfills it. Kelis said it best, “I am the author of the only dictionary that defines me.”
This is the lesson the young woman who was a magnet for married men says she learned: she stopped compromising her values. “I had to let go of these married guys and get emotionally healthy, she said. “So I got counseling, stopped partying so much and started dating nicer men. One of them became my husband two years ago. After years of compromising, I’m in a relationship that’s sure and steady. And that’s how I feel about myself now, too.”
Please tune into Bag Ladies latest episode “Side Chicks, and Mistresses, and Jumpoffs, Oh My!!”, which aired 10/5/11, to hear the full discussion. Part II of this episode will air 10/12/11 at 7:30pm EST and will include the “Male Perspective”
Myra T. Mathis is an International Development, Human Resources Manager with a passion for public health, football, cooking, and good wine. She can also be found throughout the country hosting events and singing her heart out.