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TheRootDC
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Posted at 11:12 AM ET, 10/12/2011

Reviewed: Basketball Wives L.A.

On this episode of Basketball Wives: L.A., Imani is still searching for Mr. Right, Gloria gets bitten by the acting bug and Jackie is as crazy as ever.

All the women, minus Draya and Malaysia, meet to catch up on the latest news in their very exciting lives. “What do you guys think about Malaysia,” Jackie asks. “She finds the good in everybody,” Laura says. “She’s 29 but she’s kind of young too.”

“Maybe that’s why her and Draya get along,” Gloria says.

Jackie says she feels sorry for Draya. Laura agrees. “Jackie’s more forgiving of Draya and her situation,” Gloria says. “I don’t care. That girl can get hit by a bus.”

Nice. This is like watching the Misfits talk about Jem and the Holograms. Maybe one of them can touch one of those huge earrings they wear and turn into a real wife of a basketball player, like Tamia.

Malaysia and Imani meet for lunch. Malaysia tells Imani that left the lounge sick to her stomach because of what went down with Draya there. Imani says it wasn’t cool. Malaysia, referring to Draya says, “She’s already said things about me. I don’t want to get to know her.”

“It’s a manipulation thing,” Imani says. “She’s thinking you guys are like BFFs at this point.”

That sounds like total manipulation on Imani’s part. “Where’d she get that from,” Malaysia asks. “I never said I was her BFF.”

Okay, I should tell you that I’m sick as a dog as I’m watching this show and I can’t breathe through my right nostril. So, there’s not much oxygen getting to my brain. Surely, these aren’t grown women having this conversation, right? Right? “Better you than me,” Imani says. “You can’t escape it; might as well embrace it.” I don’t think Imani has any friends.

Gloria goes to an audition for some type of production that she says is affiliated with Cedric the Entertainer. She’ll be reading with a woman named Pamela, who we learn is also the casting director. Gloria reads her part. “Um, I’ll call that a warm up ne,” Pamela says. Ha!  Pamela tells Gloria that the character Gloria is playing is attempting to get a man’s attention. Gloria should’ve pretended that Pamela was a professional athlete. She reads the dialogue again, and honestly, she’s not that bad. Pam pretty much tells her thanks, but no thanks. Better luck next time, Glo.

Commercials. Someone has decided that Footloose needed to be remade. In this version, it appears that everyone is greasy. Eddie Murphy’s daughter is doing Dark & Lovely commercials. Cute girl, wooden actress. Even Gloria could’ve done a better job.

Once again, Gloria, Imani, Jackie and Laura get together without Draya and Malaysia. They attend some event that looks like it’s located at The Park at 14th in Washington, DC , except without the pretension. It’s supposed to be a place for Imani to find a man. Jackie saunters in, in her most horrible outfit to date. I don’t even know if my description can do it justice. She’s got on a bustier that her breasts are spilling out of and a tight black blazer. Her skirt is a mini, that looks like some type of deep fried dumpling. She looks like the ringmaster at the prostitute circus.

And now the matchmaking begins. Imani is introduced to Derek. Derek is a tall guy with a Mohawk. I want the Mohawk trend to die. Only Mr. T. can make it look cool and Derek, you are no Mr. T. Derek describes himself as a “chill type dude.” “You from L.A?” Imani asks. “You played basketball?” Derek responds yes to both questions. Imani beams.

Imani says in an interview that she’s nervous and doesn’t know what to say. Derek reaches out and grabs her shoulder and Imani stiffens. That was the last we saw of Derek.

Next up is Ray, a friend of Laura’s. Ray kind of resembles what I would imagine Eric Roberson would look like if Eric were an accountant. A little bald man must be thinking the same thing, because he’s standing behind Ray, snapping pictures. Ray seems like a nice, normal guy, so of course, that was the last we saw of Ray.

And finally, there’s Kyle, a Caucasian guy who Jackie introduces to Imani. Kyle is wearing a sweater straight from my mom’s closet. It’s about four sizes too tight and adorned with buttons in a diagonal pattern. Kyle and Imani go sit on a sofa and chat. “I love animals,” he says. Ha! Imani says that Kyle sort of swept her away. “I brought the best guy for Imani,” Jackie says. “I think Imani may have made a love connection.”

“White is right,” Laura says. “White is right,” Imani repeats. I can think of some political campaigns who would love to use this footage. “I may have been playing for the wrong team all along,” Imani says. I don’t think that means what she thinks it does. Laura tells Imani to let her know when she and Kyle have sex.  “You have to let me know the first time you do it,” she says. “I may accidentally purse dial you or I may skype you in,” Imani says. And now my left nostril closes up.

Jackie arrives at Imani’s house wearing God knows what. I think it’s a black sun dress with a visible white strapless bra. Whatever it is, it’s hideous. Imani is wearing yet another ill fitting maxi dress. I think she has one in every color. “I really want to know how she really feels about Kyle,” Jackie says. “He called me and said you were stunning,” she tells Imani. “Out of everybody I said he has the most potential,” Imani says. “I’m taking this as I’m just getting my feet wet.” “It is what it is.”

And now the conversation shifts back to Draya. “What’s your thoughts on all the girls,” Jackie asks. “I’ve given [Draya] about three passes more than she deserves.” Imani says. “I’m tired of handing out passes.” I didn’t know Imani was the hall monitor.

“Everybody knows don’t talk about my relationship,” Jackie says. We see a flashback of the confrontation with Draya where Jackie went from zero to Whitney in three seconds. “She said that and I seen red,” Jackie says. “I really want to spank her for real.

“Right,” Imani says. “How dare you put my husband’s name in your filthy mouth, I don’t know where it’s been.” Even Jackie looks at Imani like she has a couple of screws loose. Imani’s issues with Draya seem to not have anything to do with Draya’s son. She certainly hasn’t expressed any concern for the little boy. She’s always talking about Draya’s alleged promiscuity. And if that’s the problem, why is she hanging around with the likes of Laura? The talk shifts to one of the other Holograms, Malaysia. “At MMA, she was there with Draya before we got there,” Jackie says. “They have become besties when they’re in front of each other,” Imani says. “Now she’s so soft spoken and ‘god is so good to her.’ That’s not reality, boo.” Yes, because far be it for someone to be a good person and thank God for his blessings. I mean let’s be realistic here.

Draya meets with Malaysia. She talks about the night of the confrontation with the other women. “That whole night has been on my mind,” Draya says. “Like, what happened.” “People got their own issues. They keep coming at me like they perfect.” Malaysia tells Draya to turn the tables on the other women. “I feel like I wasted my niceness,” Draya says.

“We all make mistakes,” Malaysia says in an interview. “No one’s ‘perfick’. If she’s willing to be a straight forward person and not be sneaky and be a snake then I’ll have her. I’ll be her friend.” Gee, thanks Malaysia?

Gloria and Imani meet to get their nails done. I must be slumming it, because they’re getting their nails done outside on a terrace. Swanky. “With all this drama going on, we should do like a party,” Gloria says.  “Every time we get around the whole group, it’s like drama.” Both women agree that Draya is not invited. “Oh hell no,” Gloria says. “Malaysia can come,” Imani says. “Would she want to come since Draya’s not there,” Gloria asks. “If Draya’s not there, she may not feel comfortable.” Somewhere around the world a couple of, 12 year-old-girls are having this exact same conversation. These women have a really skewed perception of how cool they are.

Laura and Imani meet up and talk about the guys from the party. Imani says she thought Derek seemed goofy and immature and that Ray seemed nervous. “How about the guy with the buttons,” Laura asks. Laura says Kyle had pants like Teddy Pendergrass. I doubt she even knows who Teddy Pendergrass was. “Put on the biking shorts and let your slong dong ding dong hang on your side,” Laura says. Such a classy lady, that Laura. “I want somebody to take care of me,” Imani says. “I feel safe enough with [Kyle] to go ahead and take the plunge.

Malaysia meets with Laura. Malaysia says that even though she and Laura had a fight, they’re kind of starting over. They make small talk about losing baby weight. Laura invites Malaysia to a benefit she’s hosting for the East Oakland Youth Development Center. “You can do your homework there, you can get your clothes there,” Laura says. “Some kids don’t have nowhere to go. I’ve been privileged all my life, so it’s nice to give back.” Malaysia said she was a child of the inner city so it’s nice for kids to have something like that so they won’t have to turn to gang banging. She accepts the invitation.

At Imani’s party, the women continue to talk about Draya. Malaysia says she doesn’t know why the women would think she approved of Draya’s alleged child endangerment charges. “I feel like that’s her business,” Malaysia says. “It’s all on the Internet that she is on some kind of probation,” Jackie says. “I don’t have a problem with Draya,” she says. “I have a problem with Draya’s actions.” First of all, what kind of tacky party is this? They’re all eating off of flimsy paper plates in the kitchen. If I were Draya, I’d be glad I wasn’t invited.

Draya is standing on a bridge in a park wearing yoga clothes. She gazes over the water. The whole thing looks like the set of a Pepperidge Farm commercial or one for the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints. Laura walks up. Draya apologizes to her for something she says she did a long time ago. God, why isn’t this show over yet?  “I don’t feel peace with you or peace with myself,” Draya says. “I don’t care,” Laura says.  “I don’t want you to think I stress or care about it. I’m a mom. I got to breast feed.” Laura tells Draya, “I don’t think about you, you’re not a factor. I don’t call you. I don’t kick it with you.” Draya is such a non factor, that Laura spent time searching for information about her on the Internet.

She continues, “If you a jump off, own it, if you a hooker, own it.” Surprisingly, Laura is not looking at a reflection of herself in the water as she’s saying this. “I feel like at this point, it’s over,” Laura says. “I could care less.” “It is what it is.” And then after all that, Laura invites Draya to her benefit. “I think you should come to my event,” Laura says. She goes into the spiel she gave Malaysia. “It’s for kids. A lot of professional athletes from the Bay come.” All Laura’s words start to run together. She sounds like one of those dirty looking children who sell candy at the metro for their fake charities. Draya looks like the Red Line train can’t get there fast enough.

To no one’s surprise, Gloria didn’t get the part in the Cedric the Entertainer production. So she does a photo shoot in lingerie instead? I’m sure the parents of the children at Gloria’s fake job will be pleased. For some reason, both Matt and Imani are there. It’s a lot of boring meaningless banter, and shots of Matt’s diseased looking tattooed neck, and now that both my nasal passages are blocked, this show has literally turned me into a mouth breather. I can’t believe I’m missing the Golden Girls for this.

Imani goes out on her date with Kyle. Kyle is in the military and says he was in a long term relationship that ended about a year ago. He’s moving in with one of his friends. “Yeah I don’t do well with roommates,” Imani says. “I’ve been so far removed from the one bedroom lifestyle.” Gee, Mrs. Vanderpump, please pass the Grey Poupon. They talk about their last relationships. “We broke up because we wanted different things,” Imani says. Yeah, he wanted you to sign that pre-nup. “Mine didn’t work out because she was just crazy,” Kyle says. Yeah and because she probably got tired of you wearing her clothes. Kyle asks Imani what she’s looking for in a mate. “I want my mate to know this is it right here.” “What about status,” Matt asks. “You went from a high status lifestyle.” “I haven’t been on a budget for so long,” Imani says. “He doesn’t have to make $800,000 a year.” Kyle almost chokes. “I’m just saying,” Imani says. Who is this woman? Does she think she’s some kind of Stay at Home Mom (SAHM)? All the SAHMs I know have husbands. And most single mothers go out and work to support themselves and their children. How can someone with three kids and no job look down on someone for having a roommate? You’d think Imani was Crystal Carrington.  “You use the word sacrifice,” she tells Kyle. “That’s so not sexy.” Get off my screen.

At Laura’s charity event, Draya is the first to arrive. Jackie arrives next and for once, she has put her bosom away. “It’s always a surprise with Jackie,” Draya says. “I never know how to take her.” I think that’s because Jackie has a split personality. One of those personalities is named Whitney Houston.

“I guess I’ll give you a hug today,” Jackie says to Draya. Thanks? Jackie asks Draya how she’s been. Draya, having been Whitney Houston-ed by Jackie at their last meeting, smartly gives a thumbs up. “I like your hair,” Jackie says. “You look real mature and just sexy. All the girls are going to be pissed.” This is probably true. Draya looks really cute. Jackie asks Draya how her meeting with Laura on Pepperidge Farm went. “The end of our conversation was kind of smooth,” Draya says. Jackie begins talking about herself. “You never told me, ‘Jackie I appreciate you pulling me aside,’” she says. “I didn’t know she was give, give, giving for me to say thank you, thank you, thank you,” Draya says. “Me and you got into it,” Jackie says. Draya says she didn’t know anything about Jackie or her marriage prior to that night at Beso. “So you weren’t trying to hurt me?” “Oh I love you. I was like ‘I hate her.’” Draya looks so confused.

This is where Jackie has it wrong. Not only is Draya sort of dim, she’s also only 25 years old. Which would have made her all of maybe six years old when Doug was drafted. She probably has no idea who he is. Her NBA knowledge likely begins where mine ends. She had no idea who Doug Christie was until this show, just as I had no idea who Matt Barnes and Jannero Pargo were until this show. She’s wasting her time worrying about Draya.

“Cheers to me and Draya for hopefully a long friendship,” Jackie says. “We’re not going to tell all the other girls that you like me.” And now Jackie turns into Whitney Houston and I’m as confused as Draya is. Jackie starts rambling. “I just called some people out,” she said “Whoa, I have stood up for you I went and almost got in a fight for you…and here she comes, here she comes.” Draya looks like she wants to crawl away from the crazy, but at that moment, Jackie turns back into her other personality. “Haay, girl, how you doin?” she says. I turn around and it’s Laura,” Draya says.

Previews. Laura and Jackie get into it. I’m so there. Until next week…The End.

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