I swim every day, almost. Why do I swim? Because it is good exercise. Why do I exercise? Because I want to be healthy so I can live a long time and thereby increase the dose of punishment that life will inflict on the living. What kind of punishment is that? Having to wear a rubber hat when I swim is part of it. Why do I wear a rubber hat? Because everyone else does. Why do they? Because there is something in the water that does something bad to your hair. What does it do? I have no idea. It’s gotta be bad though. It better be. It better be worse than the rubber hat, is all I have to say.

I used to have a passably cool-looking black rubber hat. Together with the black goggles and long sleek black trunks (control your fantasizing!) I looked frogmannishly strapping and sporty. Then one day as I was putting on the black rubber hat it ruptured just like the hyper-slow-motion video of a balloon pierced by a bullet. Staring at the tatters in my hands, I was reduced to a day of that kind of breast stroke where you hold your head up really high like a turtle sunning itself. My hair stayed dry though! That’s the main thing!

I went to the sporting goods store on my walk (more exercise!) home from public city pool (my taxes at work!) and strolled in for a replacement hat. Sorry, only one left! A white one! I now look like a clown without his nose ball. A true doofus in the swimming pool. Look at that doofus in the white rubber hat. Pathetic. The guards have decided amongst themselves to let me drown if I get into trouble. Yes, you guessed it, this is a bad, stressful week for me and I’m awfulizing. Later today I will put on my clown head and go get fit and ready for more of the same.