It’s No Judges’ Save Available Results night on “American Idol.”
Last night’s returns are in: “An incredible 53 million votes,” says show host Ryan Seacrest. “That is the highest of the season.” As a special thank you to the voters, the seven Idolettes perform a group sing/balloon drop of “Dancing In the Streets.”
Good to see Ford has opened up the wallet for the music video, after last week’s paper-cutouts cheap-out. This week, Ford went down the block from the Nokia Theater to a costume shop on Hollywood Blvd and rented some wigs and togas so the Idolettes could pose as mythological figures.
Enough prelims, let’s rush to judgment. Call best buds Hollie Cavanagh and Joshua Ledet to center stage.
Mentor-in-Chief Jimmy Iovine says Joshua “did himself a lot of good last night” especially with “Change Is Gonna Come,” Iovine says. “A record company that could find another song like that “would have a great run with him.”
Hollie made some good song choices last night but still has “a long road ahead of her” to make the finale.
Seacrest declares Joshua safe. For Hollie, it’s “to the stools.”
Next, Kris Allen, Season 8 Safe Scrutty White Guy winner will perform his indistinguishable new tune. Kris is not a dynamic stage presence, which “Idol” producers have decided can be fixed easily by putting Kris and his upright piano on a giant Lazy Susan spinning round and round – because apparently the back of his head is Kris’s most interesting feature.
Let’s have Elise Testone and Skylar Laine come forward. That’s Elise, who’s a cliffhanger every week, and Skylar, who’s a weekly shoo-in.
Elise “fell flat” on her delivery of a sexy Marvin Gaye song, Iovine says. “’Let’s Get It On’ caused the baby boom. Last night, no boom,” he elaborates.
“Skylar is the little engine that could…Every week, she gets better and better and in my opinion she’s the best performer we’ve got,” Iovine says. We part company with him here.
Seacrest dangles an opportunity before the dour Elise, and she stupidly rises to the bait. Asked if she thinks the judges “are harder on you than anyone else,” she responds, “definitely,” adding, “I feel a little discredited… but that’s the name of the game, right?”
America’s turn: Elise to the Bottom 3, Skylar to safety.
Next up a tribute to Dick Clark—and Ryan Seacrest. “Everybody needs a mentor, and mine without doubt was Dick Clark,” he begins the segment.
American Bandstand was “one of the most important music programs in music history,” but “closest to all our hearts is ‘Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve’…a tradition I had the distinct honor of being a part of,” Seacrest says. We see Seacrest congratulating Dick on New Year’s Eve back in 2007.
Here to remind us that rock and roll is supposed to be wild and crazy is LMFAO singing their tune, “Sorry for Party Rocking,” while throwing toy animals at the audience. LMFAO are the most polite guys in the industry, doing a mess o’ apologizing, while two guys who drew the short straws dance in a giant zebra suit, and the guy who drew the long straw dances with a box on his head, and the “American Idol” Decency Police manically hit the bleep button. They’s really really sorry for their party rocking, but these guys don’t seem to care if they’re Pitchy or Showing Growth or any of that stuff they’re always talking about on this show.
Let’s throw three Idolettes at Iovine at once: Colton Dixon, Jessica Sanchez, and Phillip Phillips.
Props to Iovine for owning up to his part in failing to steer the very talented Jessica Sanchez away from songs choices that have put her in danger two weeks running.
Watching Jessica “a light went off...This girl is singing songs that are too old for her,” Iovine says. Case in point: Wednesday night’s “Try A Little Tenderness.” “As her mentor I apologize, I should have caught that earlier. And if we get another chance next week I’m going to suggest we move to a song that is appropriate for her age.”
“Phillip did a great job with the Usher song…He could have written that song,” Iovine dreams. But Phil’s second number “Midnight Hour “ was “just a pass last night.”
Colton doing Lady Gaga’s ‘Bad Romance’ was “completely wrong for me,” Iovine says, calling Colton’s look during the performance, “somewhere between 1985 Billy Idol on MTV TRL and ‘Spiderman’ on Broadway. I wasn’t sure what I was looking at!…In order for Colton to get in the finale, he’s got to regroup and get better songs.”
Ah, but that’s not going to happen. Because Jessica and Phil are safe, Colton gets tagged for his first time in the Bottom 3, then Elise is sent back to safety, then a stunned Hollie is too – and Colton’s out.
Asked for comment by Seacrest, Colton says, “I need to apologize. I wasn’t myself last night, and I get it.”
Yes, he devil this week whispered in Good Colton’s ear that he should go out on stage, dressed as Billy Idol cum Spiderman, and perform a Lady Gaga number.
To atone, Colton drops to his knees, and sings what he previously said was his favorite worship song, Lifehouse’s “Everything.” He rises and points heavenward for the finale, singing “He is everything.”