What’s the One Thing missing from the Charlie Sheen story?
(Besides, of course, that other One Thing -- Taiwanese animation -- which Spike TV has taken care of with its special, “Charlie Sheen’s Winningest Moments,” airing Wednesday.)
A Charlie Sheen comic book! Am I right again, or am I right again!
Into the void has stepped biography comic book churner-outer Bluewater Productions, which announced Tuesday, “He may not have been bitten by a radioactive spider or escaped a dying planet, but with recent ‘admissions,’ of having ‘tiger blood and Adonis DNA,’ actor and recently ubiquitous bad boy Charlie Sheen has the makings of a comic book character.”
“Infamous: Charlie Sheen,” as they’re calling the new comic book, will not only provide the framework for Sheen’s Scorched Earth Tour, but will show the path of how the highest paid actor working on a TV series - or formerly working on a TV series, we should say -- went from “mile-mannered sitcom actor” to “Vatican assassin warlock,” Bluewater announced.
n case you’ve visiting another planet the past several days and have not seen the news, Warner Bros. Television, which produces “Two and a Half Men” for CBS, on Monday sent his lawyer and 11-page letter detailing why it was sacking the country’s highest paid actor working on a TV series -- or, more accurately, the formerly highest paid actor working on a TV series with a salary of around $2 million an episode. In the letter, Warner Bros. cited an “incapacity” clause in Sheen’s contract, not forgetting the “moral turpitude” clause in same contract, plus those recent interviews in which Sheen vowed never again to work with “Men” co-creator and exec producer Chuck Lorre -- by way of explaining why it was giving Sheen the hook.
Sheen responded with a statement to tabloid Web site cum syndicated TV show TMZ, in which he said, “This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of the bazillions, never have to look at [expletive] again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension.”
And then, according to press reports, he climbed on top of a building in Beverly Hills, waved a giant machete, and drank some “tiger blood” from what looked suspiciously like a Coca-Cola bottle, while paparazzi screamed “We love you!” from terra firma, and a good time was had by all.
“As I am writing this I am constantly aware of what could change at the last possible minute,” “Infamous: Charlie Sheen” issue author Mark Shapiro said in Tuesday’s announcement.
“This is when comic book writing is more like journalism.”
If so, they might want to re-think that “mild mannered sitcom actor” bit.
And, like so man other “journalists” covering this Sheen story, Bluewater has already discovered that there is no winning with the Sheen story.
You take a serious tone and cover it like it’s some Theodore Dreiser tragedy, and you get savaged for doing a sympathetic portrayal of just another one of those overpaid, under-talented, pampered children of Hollywood thespians, who grow up to be two-bit hacks with a sense of entitlement, a substance abuse problem, and a mean streak.
Or, you take a light touch with this most spectacular of Hollywood celebrity meltdowns since Errol Flynn, and you get emails from family members of recovering addicts raking you over the coals for your heartlessness.
Bluewater president Darren Davis hoped to make everyone happy Tuesday, when he stated, “We’re not looking to exacerbate what could be a sad situation; a public person self-destructing on camera. We can all laugh how outrageous Sheen is behaving, all waiting for the next ‘Duh. Winning” moment. But I want to make sure that part of the focus of this issue deals fairly with mental health and substance abuse issues.”
And then, for good measure, Davis added, “If Sheen contacted us right now and wanted us to donate some of the potential profits to a charity of his choosing, we would happily do so.”
Then Davis cast off the veil and complained defensively, “honestly this is no different than People Magazine devoting most of an issue to the story or TMZ or Slate, or the general media’s constant coverage.”