For Charlie Sheen on Monday night, “winning” meant being roasted in a cheap basic-cable show by B and C listers, the very same night CBS introduced Ashton Kutcher as his replacement on the sitcom which once earned him $2 million per episode.
We wish we could go into more detail, describing the bawdy humor, the barbs and jabs, the hilarity that swept through the thousands of households that caught this latest edition of the raunchy Comedy Central roast franchise. The slightest loosening of the Post’s editorial standards and it could have been accomplished. But no.
So here are the printable gags, such as they are:
Seth MacFarlane: “Tonight, on ‘Two and a Half Men’ they’re actually having Charlie’s pretend-funeral. No need to switch over – you can probably just wait a few months and see the real thing. I mean, we all know there is a good chance Charlie will be dead soon, so I wrote an obituary:
Charlie Sheen who became a tabloid fixture due to his problems with drugs and alcohol was found dead in his apartment –
Actually, you know what? I kinda just copied Amy Winehouse’s obituary. I only had to change three things: the sex of the deceased, the location of the body, and the part that says ‘talent that will be missed’.”
Seth MacFarlane: “With all those dangerous-job shows on TV – like the ones about crab fishing, and ice road trucking, why is there no show about the most dangerous job out there -- being an escort for Charlie Sheen?”
Jon Lovitz: “Unlike all of you people on this dais, I actually know Charlie – and I’m famous. No, he’s my friend, I’ve known him for about 18 years and he’s nothing like the character he plays on TMZ.”
Jon Lovitz: “How much blow can Charlie do? Enough to kill ‘Two and a Half Men’!”
Kate Walsh: “I have to say, Charlie, you are an incredible medical specimen. I guess that’s one of the benefits of waking up every morning at the crack of crack.”
Jeff Ross: “This lineup [of roasters] is so pathetic I was hoping I’d get replaced by Ashton Kutcher…Charlie’s meltdown was so bad Al Gore is making a documentary about it.”
William Shatner: “May I suggest to you, Charlie, that you re-examine your relationship with women? Prostitutes cost a lot of money, Charlie! Hasn’t anyone told you that actresses will sleep with you for free? That’s Hollywood 101! You should’ve called.”
Charlie Sheen: “This has been both enlightening and fun. You are all worthy adversaries. But the thing is, I won again. I have come out unscathed. You can’t hurt me… I can’t even hurt me! Drugs couldn’t kill me. Sex couldn’t kill me. The press couldn’t kill me. ‘Two and a Half Men’ couldn’t kill me. Did you really think your little jokes were going to kill me? I’m The Wild Thing — I’m Ricky Vaughn!”
Charlie Sheen: “I still have a family that loves me and that’s why they’re not here tonight. Yeah, they’ve seen me in jail, they’ve seen me rushed into emergency rooms, they’ve seen me in court. But seeing me on basic cable would kill them.”
Of course the show had lots more, running as it did for 90 minutes. If you want to see the naughtier bits, you can catch it any time over the next several days – Comedy Central will probably re-run it about 34 times.