You know what makes a “Dancing with the Stars” results show really exciting? When you take your dogs out for a walk and come back 8 minutes into the show and discover your DVR has gone haywire. Did we miss Maks Chmerkovskiy’s latest dance debacle?
Fortunately “DWTS” results shows moves at a snail’s pace, and every slight thing that happens is recounted by show host Tom Bergeron and/or Celebriquarium hostess Brooke Burke at least twice, so it doesn’t take long for us to figure out all we have missed is Hines Ward being told he’s safe and Kirstie Alley being told she’s not.
And, lucky us, we got back just in time to watch Toby Keith drawl his way through “Shoulda Been a Cowboy” while Maks Chmerkovskiy and Lacey Schwimmer (who got polished off in the first round this season by her celeb partner, Mike Catherwood) dance the Hollywood Two Step.
Then things go horribly wrong. Lacey head butts Maks’s thigh in what looks like a botched attempt to do a slide between his legs. Maks has had two dance debacles with Kirstie already this season, and now this. Accident? We don’t think so. We suspect celeb-dancer Kendra Wilkinson is behind this somehow. She’s the Voldemort behind all bad things that go down on this show this season, we’re pretty sure.
Brooke, in the Celebriquarium, interviews those who tied for second place with the judges’ votes. Chelsea Kane tells Brooke that next week is Guilty Pleasures Week and her dance partner Mark Ballas is teaching her the quickstep. Silly Chelsea! Mark Ballas’s guilty pleasure next week isn’t performing the quickstep with her; it’s the dance routine he’s going to do on the show next week while “American Idol” reject Pia Toscano sings to him on stage. Rumor has it Pia and Mark are an item.
Brooke moves on, asking Romeo if it was frustrating to be so close to the top of the leaderboard this week without actually being at the top. Romeo, still dressed in his top hat, white tie, and tails, affects some mobster accent and says he’s going to put on his Scarface and some people will come up missing, like maybe he’ll put Superglue in Hines Ward’s toothpaste.
Brooke is confused by that answer but keeps plowing through her prepared questions like the trouper she is, asking Chris Jericho another of her trademark Inane Questions about who knows what. But Chris says he’s still back at Romeo’s Brooklyn-cum-Luxembourg accent.
Everybody’s out of control tonight,” Brooke concludes.
“I think we’ve learned top hat undercuts Tough Guy,” quips Bergeron.
Chelsea is declared safe -- Romeo too. Chris and dance partner Cheryl Burke are still in jeopardy, joining Kirstie and Maks.
Mike Catherwood, returns for a taped bit in which he’s going to get his revenge for being the first to get the hook this season. “Dancing with the Stars Exposed!” -- the title flashes across the screen and Mike promises some investigative journalism which turns out to be a bloopers tape.
We see Hines Ward break wind while dipping partner Kym Johnson, though surely they sonically enhanced it, unless it was actually a horse in the room.
We see Chelsie Hightower’s bra, or maybe falsies, or, as Romeo calls them, “mechanical bam-bams,” pop out from under her sweater while coaching Romeo.
We see Maks explain to Kirstie that he’s not arrogant, he’s merely a “stick that’s been dipped in a boiling pot of sex.”
We can explain each of these incidents: Kendra, Kendra, and Kendra. She not only made these things happen, she made the bloopers tape happen.
It’s Macy’s Stars of Dance time! A New York-inspired dance number, set to Janelle Monae’s “Tightrope,” is performed wonderfully by the Step Up Dance Crew. It’s choreographed by Jamal Sims who has choreographed Miley, Britney, and Madonna.
Time to send the three celebrities with the fewest judge points, and their dance partners, to the Celebriquarium to be grilled by Brooke.
Petra Nemcova bats away Brooke’s Inane Question, saying she only wants to talk about Mak’s stick-dipped-in-sex self-portrait
Kendra agrees with Brooke that she had a blast this week – getting to whine about judge Carrie Ann Inaba being so mean to her last week, and then getting to perform the show’s 1,000th competitive dance.
Ralph Macchio insists to Brooke he’s not — repeat, NOT — disappointed with his judge’s score this week. Ralph channeled his inner Kendra on Monday after being told he’s got to bring the fire “down there” to his dancing by judge Bruno Tonioli. Seen backstage from Monday’s show, Ralph grouses, “I have two kids to show for my ‘fire.’ What does HE have?’
And yet, Ralph and Kendra are both declared safe while Petra, who has never had an unpleasant word to say to anyone on the show, is still in jeopardy.
During a commercial break, a member of the audience gives judge Len Goodman a mug with the Disney character Grumpy on it. Then Toby Keith is back to sing “American Soldier.”
After a taped bit in which the judges assess each remaining celebrity at the halfway mark in this season, it’s time to announce this week’s ousted.
Chris Jericho and Kirstie Alley are declared safe.
Petra must go. We admire her for taking on a dance show, seven years after being seriously injury in a tsunami, without complaining about her injuries weekly. We admire her for pitching her school-rebuilding charity every chance she got. We think it’s a shame “DWTS” isn’t sending her off with a big check for the kids.
Of course, we know exactly why Petra’s going home. It’s the don’t-hate-me-because-I’m-beautiful syndrome -- first identified by that classic Pantene commercial of the 1980s -- that’s done in Petra. Millions of women young and old in the “DWTS” electorate said to themselves: “Those legs, and that figure, and that hair, and those cheekbones, AND the Mirror Ball Trophy? Not while I got two thumbs left to text!”
That, and Kendra.