“Dancing with the Stars’s” first results show of the season opens with the introduction of The DWTS Baby Dancers, in their first dance number, performed to the Jennifer Lopez tune “On the Floor.”
This episode is going to feature two Chris Brown performances we’re going to have to see to believe, “DWTS” Celebriquarium hostess Brooke Burke assures us. In honor of this momentous occasion, Brooke is wearing a wedding dress by Spanx; show host Tom Bergeron is his usual dapper self in a well-cut suit.
This season’s three athlete celebs are lined up to find out if they survive to next week. Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward is safe; likewise WWE wrestler Chris Jericho. Boxing great Sugar Ray Leonard will have to wait until the end of the show.
And don’t forget those incredible performances of music and dance from Grammy nominee Chris Brown, Brooke reminds us. We see Chris in a red suit, equipped with some sort of safety harness around his torso, so we’re expecting some seriously dangerous production number, like maybe a preview of the upcoming Spiderman show on Broadway.
They take a break, to sell some products and cover some ABC execs’ salaries.
When they return, Bergeron wants us to know Chris Brown has been nominated for a Grammy eight times. And here he is to show us why.
Chris is in a pretend deserted alley with lights making a rain effect, and there’s a dumpster too. “DWTS” is not investing much in the way of props for this guy. An adorable kid dancer heralds Chris’s arrival with some breakdancing steps and then it’s off to a full-cast production of “Yeah 3X.” There are dancers dressed in Michael Jackson-esque outfits, dancers in judo outfits, dancers in “Miami Vice” suits. Chris is working it – it’s not a foxtrot, not a cha-cha, so it must be a jive! At one point he launches himself toward the back of the stage with an impressive handspring, or maybe he saw Robin Roberts coming at him with a microphone and a Rihanna question.
Wild applause from the audience. Chris seems happy.
Time to haul the show’s three celebrity actors on stage to hear the voting news. And, by “actors” they mean Ralph Macchio, Kirstie Alley, and Chelsea Kane.
All three of them are safe.
Phew! This is exhausting. Let’s take another break and sell some more products.
In the Celebriquarium, Brooke wonders what’s going through Kirstie’s mind. “Not much,” speculates her dance partner, Maksim Chmerkovskiy.
“I saw a bunch of my friends and then I saw other people I like to wave at,” Kirstie says. Like Maks said – not much.
And her goal for next week? Brooke wonders.
“To do some interpretive dance,” Kirstie smirks; Maks giggles.
“I think, to the judges, it’s almost all interpretive dance in the first weeks,” Bergeron snarks.
The DWTS Baby Dancers are back! They all have names! Two of them are related! The chicks are all flirty and sexy while the guys specialize in doing their own things -- didn’t see that coming!
Time to drag the celebrity guys who did not fit into the “athlete” or “actor” categories on stage, to find out what’s up. That’s Romeo and “Loveline” co-host Mike Catherwood.
Romeo is safe; Mike – maybe not so much. He will find out in the final minutes of the show.
It’s Relationship Back Story Sequence time! In which we get to see more rehearsal tape in order to add shape, color, texture and nuance to our understanding of the competing couples. Hey, why do you think Brooke keeps asking them all “What was going through your mind” -- just to fill time?
We learn that Petra Nemcova is one serious supermodel who thinks “it’s important to have a connection” on a deep level with her coach, Dmitry Chaplin. Or maybe she just sounds serious in English.
Former Playboy mansion tenant Kendra Wilkinson, on the other hand, lets us know that her partner, Louis Van Amstel sensed right away that “I’m a metaphor and analogy person” -- like all Playboy mansion inmates.
We also learn that Wendy Williams’s partner, Tony Dovolani, is very diplomatic. He says Wendy is always, uh, “unpredictable.” Cut to Wendy’s big reveal of the night: “I burp. I burp often. I burp loud and I don’t hold back”.
Kirstie, meanwhile, believes the chemistry between the celebs and their dance partners is the same kind of chemistry actresses “are supposed to have with their leading men: madly in love with them for the extended period of the shoot and then kick them to the curb.”
Chris Brown is back, to sing his hit, “Forever” with dancers dressed in body suits that light up, on and off, and with alternating colors. It’s like they’re extras from “Tron.”
Brown’s performance raises a question: If you’re lip-synching to autotune, is it really singing at all? Or is it a metaphor and analogy for singing? Only Kendra could answer that, but she’s backstage reading Proust. Anyway, we give Chris and his Dancing Holiday Lights Act an 8 for their EnergyStar rating.
Time to head back to the Celebriquarium with Brooke and the show’s female celebs who aren’t actors or athletes: Wendy Williams, Kendra, and Petra.
Brooke wonders if Wendy thinks she’ll survive tonight.
“Well that would be up to the judges,” Wendy responds snippily, like a schoolmarm. “In my opinion I should have gotten 10s across the board – but that’s my opinion.”
“I hope Wendy’s here long enough to work on her self esteem,” Bergeron can’t resist throwing in.
Time for more backstage tape from Monday night – honestly, these results shows give us whiplash.
We wish we could remember more, but most of it was driven out of our head by Kendra saying, “I really want to be this classy lady -- this is my night to shine – but, unfortunately, my armpits don’t smell like a lady.” Can someone tell this chick to stick to one image, please? We were totally going with the philosopher/bunny thing -- and now this!
The ladies are trotted out on stage to learn their fate: Kendra will live to dance another week. She raises her arm in victory and smells her armpit.
Petra is also safe.
That leaves Wendy in the lurch.
They take another break – sell some stuff.
The three still-in-the-lurch celebrities and their dance partners are assembled on stage: Wendy Williams, Sugar Ray Leonard, Mike Catherwood.
Wendy is told she is safe; she makes a heart with her hands.
Sugar Ray and Mike are left.
Senior judge Len Goodman says he has great respect for both men; neither has any professional dance experience but spent weeks rehearsing, just so they could come out and entertain us, and “they’ve done a great job.” Well said.
And with that, Bergeron and Brooke announce Mike is this season’s first booted celebrity.
Mike gets to do a final dance for viewers. He opts for a medley of dances steps straight out of one of those YouTube videos that appear after the weekend, in which some guy dances while his pals record the moves because it seemed really funny to him and his friends when everybody was drunk.
We’ll miss Mike; he really was the most entertaining of the contestants -- the most consciously entertaining anyway. For unconscious entertainment value, we still have Wendy.
Anyway, good-bye, Mike! You seem wasted in the relationship advice and Los Angeles morning DJ games.
So, which of the suriving dancing duos has this season’s LEAST chemistry. Yes, we know no couple can ever hope to re-create the total lack of chemistry so brilliantly demonstrated by Kate Gosselin and Tony Dovolani in season 10, but we think there are some runners-up in the making. Vote here!