Only five points from the judges separate nine of the celebrities after Monday’s Personal Story Night on “Dancing with the Stars” we’re reminded at the start of Tuesday’s results show.
Except there are 10 celebrities competing -- and 10 points separate the celebs who got the most points and that tenth celeb: talk show host Wendy Williams. And Wendy’s definitely going home, according to this week’s WaPo TeamTV Dancing with the Stars Poll, which has an accuracy rate that’s every bit as good as our horoscope.
And senior judge Len Goodman notes the field this season is very close. Then he says he wants to see NFL star Hines War re-do his samba with partner Kym Johnson, which is a letdown because, of course, we all want to see actress/professional dieter Kirstie Alley and Maks re-do their Ruptured Rhumba.
So there’s not much drama on this show tonight unless maybe someone on the show wants to take issue with “DWTS” Celebriquarium hostess Brooke Burke stout insistence that Selena Gomez is the hottest teen star in the country.
Hines is even told he’s safe this week before he starts to dance. Then boxing champ Sugar Ray Leonard and rapper Romeo are both told they’re safe.
Then the group One Republic performs. One Republic -- five very cool guys, growing less cool with every passing minutes of “DWTS” -- perform their new single, “Good Life” while, down on stage, professional dancer Dmitry Chaplin shows how a man wears his high heels (Romeo take note), and Lacey Schwimmer shows how a lady keeps her panties up and her dress over her head during a lift.
Wendy, supermodel Petra Nemcova, and Kirstie are sent to the Celebriquarium to talk to Brooke. Wendy and Brooke have a stultifyingly dull exchange about Wendy’s future on the show, of which there is none. Petra giggles about asking her dance partner, Dmitry, to pinch her Monday when she got some 9 scores from the judges. Because, of course, you can’t pinch a supermodel – there’s nothing to grab on to.
“Now, Maks and Kirstie,” Brooke launches. “Tough night last night! We have some video that we’re going to share with you,” she says earnestly.
“Oh, really!? I’m amazed!” Kirstie snarks, as Brooke demands that Kirstie’s pro dance partner Maks Chmerkovskiy “tell me how you’re feeling. Everybody wants to know. Everybody’s been worried.”
Maks thanks fans, and “this one in particular,” referring to Kirstie. “I’m fine – you’re going to need a stretcher to get me out of here,” he says.
“Alright. Love the attitude,” Brooke says as disingenuously as we’ve ever heard that expression used.
“We’ve got the video that has the personal audio people never get to see, so talk us through this specific moment,” Brooke says as the video rolls of the disastrous spill during their rhumba; Maks covers his face with a pillow.
“Kirstie, what’s going through your mind as that’s happening,” Brooke insists upon knowing.
“Where am I?” Who Am I?” Kirstie guesses, as the clip of their fall plays again.
“Alright, you guys,” Brooke says, doing her best to ignore Kirstie, who has started to pet Brooke.
“You look so pretty, Brooke Burke. Let’s change the subject,” Kirstie coos, as Maks laughs and puts his hand over Kirstie’s mouth.
“Alright – they want to move past it,” Brooke says.
Can I get a dollar for every time Brooke says “Alright” this season?
We’ll say this, in re Maks’s injury: “DWTS” was more restrained tonight than we expected. After the weeks-long medical cliffhangers last season with Jennifer Grey, attended by her worried personal physician and malpractice-avoidance expert, we were bracing for a full cast appearance from “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Body of Proof” shows to warn that Maks might never dance again!
Wendy and Petra are clumped together, representing The Bottom and The Top. Wendy theorizes that, “the problem is it’s not my personality in the competition – it’s my feet. If it was my personality in the competition, I’d win!”
Petra is safe. Wendy is not. We celebrate with Selena Gomez, singing “Who Says.” She’s no Rebecca Black and this tune is no “Friday,” but it’s nice to see “DWTS” give a kid a chance to get better known in the hopes that someday she might be a Rebecca Black. Mark Ballas and Chelsie Hightower perform while she sings. Anyway, we think it was Chelsie – she’s getting tossed about so much her hair is in her face most of the time.
Now we find out the fate of the two couples that scored 23 points from the judges: Disney star Chelsea Kane, and former Playboy bunny Kendra Wilkinson. Kendra had explained that her performance on Monday was “one of the top most romantic moments of my life, but unfortunately I has to be with Louis [Van Amstel]” who is her dance partner.
Kendra has replaced the cotton ball on her tail with a chip on her shoulder.
Chelsea is safe; Kendra is not. “That killed it,” Kendra whines.
“That went over well,” Bergeron snipes.
“We’ve never had a field with stars so evenly matched,” Brooke adds.
We can say one thing for sure: the field is close and everyone is evenly matched. Len mentioned it. Bergeron mentioned it. Brooke mentioned it and we think the DWTS Baby Dancers Troupe were tapping it out in Morse Code when One Republic came back to sing their new hit single, “They’re All So Evenly Matched.”
So all that’s left is to find out whether Ralph Macchio, Chris Jericho or Kirstie will be standing on stage with Wendy when she finds out her viewer votes can’t save her from getting the hook.
Macchio is safe. Kirstie is safe. Chris Jericho is not.
Chris, Kendra, and Wendy take the stage with their dance partners. You can feel the lack of suspense. Kendra is declared safe. The person going home this week is…..
Brooke notes Wendy was the only person who had to travel back and forth between Los Angeles and New York to do this show and her syndicated talk show.
“I mean, I’m probably the busiest person in terms of…back and forth, you’re right,” Wendy begins. “In addition that that, I have a marriage, and a child, and a litany of other things to hold together,” she says, just getting wound up.
“So this has been a wonderful opportunity and I want to thank the judge and thank you also, Tony [Dovolani] for teaching me how to dance, cause, you know – no look! – despite stereotypes this is one black girl who can’t even do the Running Man….and I will do the rest of my talking tomorrow – on ‘The Wendy Williams Show’!”
It’s time for Wendy to do one last dance with Tony. But she’s having none of it. Wendy’s officially done dancing. She’s going to shake hands with members of the audience.