The first thing we learn on Tuesday’s “Dancing With the Stars” results show is that Justin Bieber clearly got the memo about the “DWTS” dress code. As the first performer of the night, the YouTube sensation-turned-teen idol is sporting a sparkly purple jacket with tons of sequins. Nicely done, Bieber.
We also learn that “DWTS” loves some Carson Kressley — they bring the former contestant back as a roving correspondent. Carson goes out on a patio filled with “Dancing With the Stars” fans and is instantly mobbed by middle-aged women. Back inside the ballroom, he talks to Bruce Jenner, who’s rooting for his stepson, Rob Kardashian; adorable Coco Arquette, who’s rooting for her dad, David Arquette; and “American Pie” actor Jason Biggs, who ... seems to serve no purpose.
Team Paso (Ricki Lake, Hope Solo, Rob) is on the hook for this week’s encore dance, as the three couples wowed the judges with a dramatic group paso doble to Evanescence’s “Bring Me to Life” and did some impressive cape-twirling coordination.
Flashback time: Rob had his best dance yet last night, though Bruno says that Rob’s large rear end makes it more difficult to get some moves right. “It’s tough, dancing with such a big butt. The things that I’ve gone through. ...” Rob says, trailing off faux tearfully to the camera. Yes, this is the level of discourse we’ve come to expect from this year’s cast. Nancy Grace makes fun of Tristan’s Irish accent before we see that the judges were slightly disappointed with her jive.
Rob and Cheryl are safe!
Nancy and Tristan are in jeopardy.
After a Celebriquarium segment in which Brooke asks many useless questions (but J.R. sings a few bars of a Justin Bieber song), we get tonight’s heartbreaking story. It involves a dancer named Victoria who was diagnosed with a tumor when she was 14. She had to re-learn to walk after her surgery — but within months of her recovery, she was back on stage dancing in a production of “Nutcracker.” Singer-songwriter Christina Perri sings as Victoria twirls around on stage, doing moves that include synchronized falling to the ground whenever Christina sings the word “falling” in her lyrics.
Then, Derek Hough takes off his shirt, throws on some leather pants, and dances with a woman who appears to be wearing a frilly tail that looks like a wedding dress train. Plus, their facial expressions are so tense — is this the interpretive dance for Kim Kardashian’s divorce?
More flashbacks: J.R.’s substandard dance. J.R. sighs that his “Ghostbusters” tango “ghostbusted” him, while Karina tries really hard not to roll her eyes to the camera. Ricki has a rib injury, but she still dances far more impressively than most of the other non-injured contestants.
Ricki and Derek are safe!
J.R. and Karina are ... safe!
The Biebs returns with a much more boring jacket on to sing with Boyz II Men. Then, it’s flashback time to Hope and Maks, who look increasingly miserable every week but managed to improve Hope’s footwork. David Arquette seems to be having the most fun of anyone on the show — which is noticeable in his dancing — and entertains the judges just by being supremely goofy.
Hope and Maks are safe! (Poor Hope.)
David and Kym are in jeopardy.
Anyway, it’s down to Nancy and Tristan vs. David and Kym. And the couple going home is ... David and Kym. The audience does not like this.
David does his best Angry Maks impression: “There must be a mistake. Because this is my show! I can’t be going home,” David jokes, as Tom and Brooke crack up and Brooke pumps her fist in the air. Guess we know whose side they’re on.
The ever-cheerful David shares his last dance with Kym as Brooke Burke Charvet reminds us there are only five couples left — and next week brings the return of Instant Dance.
Last week results: Chaz Bono eliminated from ‘Dancing With the Stars’
Full coverage: ‘Dancing with the Stars’GALLERY: View more photos from 'Dancing with the Stars' season 13.