Welcome to the second night “Dancing With the Stars” — it won’t teach you much about dancing, or stars, but it will give you a headache thanks to all the fringe and sparkles flying around.
On that note, we start off the Tuesday night results show with the professional dancers and the “DWTS” dance troupe shimmying around to Lady Gaga’s “The Edge of Glory,” the men dressed all in black and the women in gold and silver. Fireworks go off in the background, just because.
Tom Bergeron and and Brooke Burke Charvet somberly remind us that someone’s going home tonight. But only after performances from crooner Harry Connick Jr. and electro pop duo LMFAO, a winning combination if we’ve ever heard one.
The first three couples take the stage to see if they’ll be safe or possibly sent packing, thanks to a combination of judge’s scores and audience voting. We flash back to the previous night. Ricki Lake and Derek Hough won the judges over. Elisabetta Canalis and Val Chmerkovskiy had a bit of a language barrier issue. Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke got heckled by Rob’s sister, Khloe.
Who’s been saved?
Ricki and Derek! Elisabetta and Val! Rob and Cheryl, however, are in jeopardy. Uh oh. You don’t want to anger a Kardashian.
Brooke Burke Charvet grills Elisabetta and Ricki about how it feels to be safe from elimination. Val hugs Elisabetta close to him says that next week during the quick step routine, “I promised Len I won’t let go...it’s like Jack in ‘Titanic,’ I won’t let go.”
“Is it just me, or do you get the impression that Val didn’t watch ‘Titanic’ to the end?” Bergeron wonders.
Because we have an hour, we get a flashback to the whole “DWTS” cast meeting for the whole time. Ricki Lake has a crush on J.R. Martinez, and the feeling is mutual. Nancy Grace tells Ron Artest to take his shirt off. Rob Kardashian calls Chynna Phillips an “attractive older woman,” which we’re sure she loved.
A very dapper-looking Harry Connick Jr. shows up to sing “On a Clear Day (You Can See Forever),” also the name of the Broadway musical he’s starring in this fall. After a few “Spiderman” musical jokes, Connick says he’s pulling for J.R. Martinez and Chaz Bono.
Back to the sad part of the show: three more couples appear to learn how the votes went. Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy were connected like glue, according to the judges. Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas brought Kristin’s “bad girl” energy. Ron Artest and and Peta Murgatroyd received a very low score, and Ron was not pleased.
Hope and Maks are safe! Kristin and Mark are safe! Ron and Peta are in trouble. The judges have started calling Ron “Metta World Peace,” as Artest legally changed his name to that moniker last week. We don’t want to call him that, however, as it’s an insult to the world, and possibly to peace.
After an introduction to the “DWTS” dance troupe — who, judged by a brief clip, seem to think they’re auditioning to a realy show spin-off — we get a rousing performance from electro pop duo LMFAO. They dance to their new song “Sexy and I Know It,” which involves laser lights and someone with a cardboard robot head. Really, it’s better left unexplained.
Next three up: J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff, who got rave reviews. Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani have Chynna’s husband, Billy Baldwin, rooting for them. Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer also draw praise from the judges.
Chynna and Tony are safe! J.R. and Karina are safe! Chaz and Lacey...also safe!
The last three couples left include Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus David Arquette and Kym Johnson; and Carson Kressley and Anna Krebunskaya. After some chatter about their families, and Carson promising to have a better costume next week, they had down to find out their fate.
David and Kym are safe! Carson and Anna are safe! Nancy and Tristan grab the last lowest-three slot.
So it’s between Rob Kardashian, Nancy Grace, and Ron Artest...and Ron Artest is out. Makes sense, given that he got the lowest score on performance night, but “DWTS” usually isn’t about sensibility. Suddenly, this season has promise.
Metta World Peace (okay, we’ll call him that once) takes over Brooke’s microphone and orders everyone to give a round of applause to Peta. As Bergeron signs off, we see Metta and Peta sharing one last dance to the tune of “The First Cut is the Deepest,” wearing his sparkly vest, bowtie and matching fedora.GALLERY: Click the image above to view more photos from 'Dancing with the Stars' season 13 premiere week.