An e-mail to the United States from Syrian President Bashar al-Assad

September 19, 2013

In his interview on Wednesday with Fox News, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad said that the U.S.-Russian plan to destroy Syria's chemical weapons would cost approximately $1 billion, a bill he argued that the United States should foot. "If the American administration is ready to pay this money and take the responsibility of bringing toxic materials to the United States, why don’t they do it?" he asked. If Assad is going to ask for U.S. money to pay for the destruction of Syria's chemical weapons, what better form than the Nigerian e-mail scams we all receive. Here's a text that President Assad should feel free to use for maximum effectiveness.


Syrian President Bashar al-Assad gives a news conference in 2009. (Dieter  Nagl/AFP/Getty Images)

SUBJECT: REQUEST FOR URGENT INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL

Dear United States,

Hello I am Pres MR BASHAR ASSAD of Syrian Arab Republic.

This is email with excitement opportunity for international communities. I am hold large stockpile deadly chemical for interest of one MR BAN KI MOON of United Nation and MR BARACK OBAMA of U.S. States. These chemicals for rebels/AlQaeda,not for civilians OK?

Syrian Arab Republic is seek disposal chemical weapons, contain amount one (1) thousand tonnes (KG). We are require funds in amount U.S.$1BILLION for cost. Please I will advice that you contact me through my direct telefax number with all bank infos for dispose sarins.

Sirs, Syrian Arab Republic is nation in difficult time, we have many expense with regards resistance to Western imperialism and for destruction of terrorism and also making instagrams.

This transaction should be kept confidential. Share immediately your financial details, including full Swiss account number in Swiss Bank Of SWITZERLAND, with amount of U.S.$1BILLION to be wired immediately without delay.

For your assistance as the account owner we shall deposit chemicals to United Nation, care of Pres MR VLADIMIR PUTIN of Moscow Russia, only on full receipt of funds plus 300 (four hundred) days or until MR BARACK OBAMA lose election.

Your reply will be appreciated,

YOUR SINCERELY,
PRES BASHAR ASSAD.
DAMASCUS SYRIAN ARAB REPUBLIC

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Max Fisher · September 19, 2013